Embrace your Vulnerability

I have been thinking a lot about the term vulnerability lately.  It is such a two edged sword--on one edge is the idea of being open, being a risk taker, being passionate and exposed to life.  Sucking the marrow out of life as they say in one of my favorite all time movies Dead Poets Society.  However, in reality being vulnerable has the potential to cause pain. Thus the double edged sword.  Inherent in the act of vulnerability is risk.  The risk to love, to dream, to inspire, to aspire, to be happier. All of those things require us to be open and vulnerable to potential pain and suffering.

Vulnerability by it's very nature means potentially being wrong, it means opening oneself up to pain and sorrow. Vulnerability means potentially failing, picking the "wrong" love, aspiring for the "wrong" goal, putting one's hope and dreams on the line.  It means, letting someone see me as weak—that I haven’t planned ahead—that I am not in control. Vulnerability is full exposure.  It is all defenses down, no safety net, no harness. Not being willing to be vulnerable is why many of us are afraid to move forward in our lives.  Because being vulnerable leaves us raw, open and exposed.

However, I believe vulnerability has gotten a bad wrap.  Vulnerability in my opinion is truly living. It is juicy and risky and in some ways down right relaxing. It allows us to drop the pretense of control or perfection (which we never really have anyway) and really just live--allowing people to see us for who we are and allowing us to be open to their love and their vulnerability. Vulnerability is being human and trusting that it will all work out how as it should even if decisions cause pain and challenges. Even if I mess up big time and end up a puddle on the floor. Even when someone sees me fully exposed, naked, bare souled crying and miserable. Vulnerability allows them to pick me up and dust me off and share a part of my soul. Vulnerability is not a weakness, from vulnerability comes great strength.  

What greater gift than that to give to someone and to myself the gift of me being me--no pretense or hiding, just me. AH! That is the challenge:  to live life open and vulnerable, not scared, sad and insecure.  Not using the hammer on a regular basis.  Open to what life brings you, open to the people in your life and the relationships that if you would just let in might be the best thing that ever happened to you. 

We are not taught to live with vulnerability, we are taught play it safe, be responsible, protect yourself.  But I will push back and say some of the best experiences of my life have been when I have allowed myself to be vulnerable, both in my career and in my personal life.  I am not saying all of those experiences were joyful happy ones, but they were rich and juicy and I wouldn't change them for the world.  The ACTUAL quote from, The Dead Poet's Society is "Sucking the marrow out of life doesn't mean choking on the bone. There is a time for daring, and there is a time for caution.  A wise man understands which is called for."  That is the challenge of vulnerability, trusting yourself to know when to be open and when to be cautious.

Today think about where could you be more open to life, where could you tear down some walls and allow some light in? Where could you drop the illusion of control and relax a bit into your humanity?

What Makes Your Life Worth Living?

Frequently we get stuck in the mind frame of I'll be Happy When Syndrome.  We get stuck in forward thinking, planning for a big event or looking for what's next.  When we live our lives constantly 'counting down' to the next big fun thing in our life we miss all the little fun things that happen on a daily basis. We miss the little things. 


Yesterday a friend of mine posed a question to me that made me say, "hmm"  So today I am posing the question to you: What makes life worth living?  What on a daily basis makes it worth it for you, to put one foot in front of the other and engage in life?


The amazing thing about this question is for each person it will be unique.   I challenge you to really ASK it and be specific.  I assume a lot of people might say family. What about your family makes them so special?  The way they make you laugh?  The ages of your children?  The conversations over dinner?  

Or would you say your career.  What about your career?   The way it makes you feel? The success you are achieving?  The fact that you are doing something you love (for the most part)? Or is it that it pays the bills so you can spend your free time engaging in amazing activities?


Or maybe it is friends.  What about your friends?  The fact you can count on them no matter what? The fact they are game for anything?  The laughter you experience with them?


I challenge you to go beyond the basics and get specific with it.  For me when I really answer the question it is a combo of the big things and the little things--it is of course my family, my friends, my career but more specifically it is: crawling into a freshly made bed with clean sheets, the greeting my dog, Mocha, gives me first thing in the morning, watching an amazing sunset, having a glass of wine with a friend while having a really great conversation, having a nice dinner with my parents, scheduling a 'spa day' with my mom, watching my nearest and dearest laugh, being able to take walk in the middle of the day just because it is sunny and 65.  I could go on and on but THAT is the beauty of this question--there are 50,000 things that make YOUR life worth living.  The challenge is finding them and recognizing them on a daily basis.


So, what makes your life worth living? 

Live Happier Tip: Pay Attention to the Road

One of my favorite quotes is from Alice in Wonderland when Alice is talking to the Cheshire Cat.

Alice: Can you tell me which path I should take?

Cheshire Cat: That depends a good deal on where you want to go!

Alice: I don't really know.

Cheshire Cat: Then, clearly, any road will do!

That is how a lot of us start out our lives--blindly picking a road and heading down it.  The key to living happier is once we have picked a road to ask ourselves--where do we want to go and is this road helping us get there? We need to pay attention to the road and ask ourselves how do we respond to the people/activities/values on that road—do we need to detour? Take a side street?  Slow Down?  Back Up?

I had a client a few years ago who was just getting out of a bad, toxic relationship.  She had stayed in it for close to a decade, telling herself she was 'happy enough' so it was ok.  When I asked her what happy enough meant she said, 'well he wasn't abusive, we got along ok, and I had my career'.  When I pushed her further for what she wanted out of her life she had said she wanted, kids (something he didn't), to get married (something he didn't) ,and to travel (something he didn't).  She had in essence given up 10 years of her life to be 'happy enough'.  When she came to see me, she was coming out of the relationship and going through the process of recognizing that she deserved more than 'happy enough'.  Through our work together she started paying attention to her road and figuring out what was important to her.  Eventually she went back to school, found a new career, moved to Florida and started a new life.  During our last session she said, she couldn't imagine how she had lived all those years, not paying attention to what she wanted.  

It is my belief that in order to live happier, you need to pay attention to yourself on the road.  You need to make sure you are present with your mind body spirit. 

Living Happier, is an ongoing activity.  It is a process we live every day constantly listening to self and checking the road.  Our life ‘map’ may be a swirl of roads, we might detour or take side roads and that is ok.  Unfortunately in this culture we value picking one road and blindly sticking to it without any thought as to whether or not we actually like the road.  

 It doesn’t mean if we don’t like something or we don’t enjoy something we need to immediately back up or get off the road.   But maybe we need to detour or rest stop or make sure we are really connected with ourselves and the road we are choosing.  The point of life is to fully engage and actively pursue our values and passions.  

So today, as you think about your road, remember--any road WON'T do, happy enough isn't ok.  Ask yourself:   Are the activities, people and events you have in your life something you really CHOOSE to engage in, or are they filler in your life?  Are they something you want on your road?

Put Down the Hammer

Lately a lot of people I know (including myself) have been going through periods of self-doubt and self-hatred.    In fact, two wonderful bloggers, Danielle LaPorte at White Hot Truth and Aidan Donnelley Rowley at Ivy League Insecurities have written about their own struggle with self hatred and not feeling good enough.  It was fascinating to realize that these 2 women who are accomplished, successful and living the dream struggle with moments of 'I am not good enough'.  What I find most interesting about self-doubt and 'feeling not good enough' is that it seems to happen to all of us--some of us more than others but at some point that dark cloud of self doubt creeps in and tell us that we just aren't enough.

It is my belief and I have written about it here frequently, that you are enough, period.  However, I have found that even though I believe that to be true, powers greater than me are out to subterfuge that belief.  As I have shared before, I still struggle with feelings of judgement against myself.

Somewhere in my psyche is the irrational belief that the more I hammer myself the more I will be motivated or the more I will succeed.  I admit at times I believe I am successful  because I am modest/humble and constantly remind myself how small I am.  Growing up many of us, especially women were given the message to stay humble, stay modest, don't brag etc.  And in our brains we got that confused with beat yourself up, keep yourself down.  The two are not linked in any way.  In no way does hammering myself on how much I don't live up unreal expectations match with keeping myself humble.  I can be a successful person, share my gifts with the world, be happy AND be humble and modest.  It is like I believe feeling not good enough is the price I have to pay for happiness or success. I even commented on Aidan's blog that maybe feeling not good enough is the yang to the ying of succeeding.

But today I am calling bullshit on that belief (pardon the harsh language but I think it is warranted). My beliefs of feeling not good enough and not worthy are not serving me in any way.  Somewhere I justified these feelings by saying they are all part of life's balance but in reality these beliefs do nothing but hurt me.  These beliefs don't serve us in any way, the don't make us better human beings, they don't make us happier and they don't allow us to give back to the world.

Today I am shedding light on my 'I am not good enough beliefs' I am going bring them out in the open and build some awareness around them.  I am going to put down the hammer and I challenge you to do the same.

The belief that these thoughts are serving us, keeping us modest, humble and nice is incorrect and the less we foster these thoughts the happier we will become.

Significant Relationships: It's Not All About You.

Today, I just received the latest issues of Psychology Today which has a wonderful article called "The Love Fix--Get Beyond Your Expectations". This article compiles research from the past few years on marriage/significant relationships.  One of the main points of the article (and there are many) is that in relationships we expect perfection.  We expect the ONE person we have chosen to be married to or commit to, to be perfect, to fulfill our every need and desire.  By expecting perfection we don't allow for our partner's imperfections and tend to overly dramatize our partners humanity into tragedy.  For example, the fact that our partner might not like PDA (public displays of affection) becomes all about us and the fact that they don't really love us or they would show it in public.  When really, PDA makes them uncomfortable and it has nothing to do with us.

I have talked about this before in two posts about Loving them Anyway-Part One and Part Two. But this article gave me a new perspective on the topic.  In summary, it stated to have the right partner you have to BE the right partner--so yes some of relationship is about picking the right person for you but almost larger than that is being the right partner within the relationship.  So showing up, holding the space, being present and recognizing that it's not all about you.

As we walk through the world,  most of us (me included, I have to confess) are pretty self absorbed we think most activities people engage in around us is about us are a reflection of us.  When in reality most of the time people aren't thinking about us.  Which as a side note, is why the find 3 reasons rule is so life changing!

But I think in relationship it is healthy and important when our partner engages in an activity that is annoying or responds in a way not to our liking to remind ourselves it might not be about me.  Like the PDA example above.  Or on an even simpler level, a client of mine was telling me the story of her husband.  Every morning he gets out of the shower and doesn't dry off and gets the shower mat sopping wet.  When she gets out of the shower she doesn't have a dry place to stand.  To her this was a totally obvious consideration and the fact that he wasn't engaging in a 'common nicety' showed that he didn't really care for her.  She would start her day in a huff each time she stepped on the soppy mat because she personalized his mistake.  Eventually she checked it out with him and shared with him how much she hated stepping on the wet mat--he responded back that he never thought of it as a nicety and in the morning was only thinking about getting out of the shower and dressed as fast as possible so drying off in the shower never even dawned on him.  As my client shared this story she said she couldn't believe how much time she wasted thinking it was all about her--when in reality it had NOTHING to do with her.  She told me recently that on occasion he still gets the map sopping wet--but it is her reaction that is different and it has become a source of humor for them rather than a trigger of hurt.  That is the key--forgiveness.  Yes, kudos to her for stating the need.  More kudos to both of them for recognizing that the need might not always get met and they can still build each other up in the process.  I admit that it is a simple example, but those silent misunderstandings and internalizations happen all the time, because we assume it is all about us.

According to the Psychology Today, article--the key to a happy relationship is to be engaged in a partnership where both people are trying to build the other up as much as possible. So that you are working together to build and bring out each others dreams/goals/positive qualities.  That would be a powerful goal for any relationship but most especially our intimate ones.  If we took a deep breathe and walked into the relationship with the attitude of how can I help you be the best you possible rather than how can I get my needs met, we would all be happier.

So starting today try these 2 new ideas on for size:
One:  Remind yourself it's not all about you, recognizing that your partners idiosyncrasies or habits might not be because they are trying to bother you or hurt you but might just be because they don't know better or they are being genuinely themselves.  So rather than internalize their behavior--check it out and apply some genuine understanding and forgiveness.

Two:  Look at your partner and ask yourself how can my response help them achieve THEIR goals/their aspirations (not mine for them)?  How can my response/action/reaction help them become the best person they can become?

What are your thoughts? What do you think are the keys to a lasting relationship?

The Power of Perception

Below is an e-mail I recently received from some friends.  It is a true story based on a Washington Post social experiment organized in 2007 about perception, taste and people's priorities. 



Washington, DC Metro Station on a cold January morning in 2007 a man walks to a corner of the station pulls out his violin and begins to play.   The man with the violin played six Bach pieces for about 45 minutes. During that time approx. 2 thousand people went through the station, most of them on their way to work. After 3 minutes a middle aged man noticed there was a musician playing. He slowed his pace and stopped for a few seconds and then hurried to meet his schedule.
4 minutes later: The violinist received his first dollar: a woman threw the money in the hat and, without stopping and continued to walk.


6 minutes later: A young man leaned against the wall to listen to him, then looked at his watch and started to walk again.
10 minutes: A 3-year old boy stopped but his mother tugged him along hurriedly. The kid stopped to look at the violinist again, but the mother pushed hard and the child continued to walk, turning his head all the time. This action was repeated by several other children. Every parent, without exception, forced their children to move on quickly.
45 minutes: The  musician played continuously.  Only 6 people stopped and listened for a short while. About 20 gave money but continued to walk at their normal pace.  The man collected a total of $32.
1 hour: He finished playing and silence took over. 
  
The violinist was Joshua Bell, one of the greatest musicians in the world. He played one of the most intricate pieces ever written, with a violin worth $3.5 million dollars. Two days before Joshua Bell sold out a theater in Boston where the seats averaged $100.


I was blown away by this article not just amazed at how many people missed out on this 'free concert' but in thinking that I too might have missed out.

In my research about this experiment,  I stumbled upon on a few posts about it--a few people expressed frustration about the experiment.   Their view was if people knew it was a free concert they would have stopped but because no one told them they had things they had to do in their lives.  THAT is EXACTLY the point.  Absolutely, tell people they are getting something for free and they would stop, just for the mere fact they are getting something for free or because they are seeing a famous musician.  But when walking through a crowded subway station headed to your next meeting or event and you hear beautiful music playing by a perceived street musician, do you stop?  Do you take time out of your day to listen and enjoy? Or do you keep moving?

One woman did stop--at the end of the video you can see her standing there and then she says, 'only in DC would this happen' she loved the music, stopped to listen and then recognized the musician.  Had she not followed her instincts to stop when she heard the music she would have missed out on enjoying a serenade by one of the world's top musicians--free or not.

How many opportunities like this do we miss in a day, the chance to talk to a stranger/friend, listening to our partner's story about his/her day, hearing our children laugh, watching a beautiful sunset.

I am always amazed how on vacation the sunset becomes a giant part of the day--each day on vacation we watched for the sunset, in fact a large crowd gathers to watch the sunset.  Makes sense, we are all on vacation, we are all of the mindset of relaxing and enjoying our time.  However, at home, we rarely watch the sunset--granted these days it is hard to see with all the clouds.  When we get home, we have things to do, people to see and the sunset becomes lost in the shuffle.  In reality, the sunset happens at home the same as it does on vacation.  So I was surprised and touched when my nearest and dearest said to me one of the favorite parts of his job is from his window he can watch the sunset each day.  That is what this story reminds us of:  Little moments happen every day that we might just miss because we are too busy or because we perceive them as insignificant.

So today my challenge to you is to follow your gut--listen for the beautiful music, the touching story or the heartfelt laughter that makes up your day and then stop and enjoy it!!!

If you are interested, here is the original article in the Washington Post.

Living on the Edge

Back from vacation. We had a totally amazing trip and now I am attempting to settle back into life as usual.

One of the things I love about vacation is that it pulls you out of your regular every day routine. I am not a risk taker by nature, I like to THINK I am but really I tend to be more of a play it safe, good wholesome girl who follows the rules (real or imagined).  This is a running joke between me and my nearest and dearest who tends to be a break the rules kind of guy.  On vacation I was a bit more of a risk taker, climbing up the stone wall at the pool, wearing slinkier outfits, just not always playing by the rules.  We had the running joke that I was 'living on the edge' on this vacation--even shortened it to be LOTE and when I would do something slightly daring my nearest and dearest would cry out "lote, lote".

It was a cute inside joke but it also got me thinking about how easy it is to get stuck in a rut.  Many of the 'lote' things I would do weren't that crazy not like base jumping or running naked through the resort.  They were minor shifts in my thinking, or my behavior.  What was amazing was how those minor shifts were so freeing--so perspective changing.  We don't always have to follow the rules.  Many times we have just made up the rules or they don't apply anymore.  It is my belief these rules keep us stuck, stuck in a rut, stuck in negativity, stuck in closed thinking.  Rules such as 'be a good girl' and 'don't stand out' are so vague and general they are hard to actually follow.  But try as I might I am constantly trying to follow those rules, when I 'broke them' on vacation the heavens didn't open up, the hotel guards didn't come get me.  In fact many times my bliss and joy from engaging in the rule breaking behavior showed up on the faces of those around me.  So I decided today as I shift back into the real world I am going to pay attention to my rules, the rules that keep me stuck, that keep me from Living on the Edge of my life, my passion, my personality.

So today I challenge you pay attention to your 'rules'.  What rules do you follow unnecessarily? What rules do you have that don't serve you anymore? What is keeping you from living on the edge of your life?

Enjoy the Ride!!

Today's post is a hodge podge of ideas.  Forgive me for being scattered, but I leave for vacation in 2 days--2 days, I am so freakin' excited I couldn't sleep last night!!  Going to be a LONG 2 days.  But I am really trying to embrace my joy around this trip.  In keeping with that theme, check out this wonderful post on Cold Antler Farm about living your dreams and happiness.  I am consistently inspired and awed by Jenna's passion and eloquence!

Yesterday in thinking about my post on celebrating joy, I was reminded of  one of my favorite movie clips, from the movie Parenthood (I know I am dating myself with that movie reference).   I thought I would share it today, as a wonderful reminder that life is a roller coaster filled with joys and pain and the challenge is to embrace them all.

I am off to Costa Rica so I won't be writing next week--I hope you have a wonderful week and I will see you in March :)

What Keeps You from Celebrating Your Joy?

This week has been a really good week.  In all honesty, it has been one of the best weeks I have had in a while.   For a variety of reasons, I have just had a lot of positive things happen, some of it is the fruit of a lot of work and some of it is luck or the universe or something like that.  Plus in 3 days I leave with my nearest and dearest to sunny Costa Rica for 7 days!  Considering we have 2 feet of snow on the ground and are now in our 3rd week of temps under 32 this is a blessed event!  So in summary:  a really good week.

You would think I have been leaping from the ceiling, dancing a jig, smiling from ear to ear all week.  But no, I have been spending much of the week vacillating between holding myself back from celebrating and reminding myself how important it is to celebrate.  I realized that I am struggling to celebrate the joy of the week. As much as  I hate to admit it I also realized in some ways I am almost more comfortable when things aren't going so well.  When I have something to strive for or work towards, when I am in struggle.  How crazy is that?!!?

So I started throwing the question out to friends/acquaintances this week how do you celebrate your joy? What do you do when things are going well?  This question has led to some interesting discussions and exposed some fascinating beliefs about celebrating happiness.  I realized, I am not alone in my struggle to celebrate my joy.  If my life mission is to help people live happier, then we need to have the ability to recognize and celebrate when we are in fact happy!!!!

Below are the major beliefs people have around celebrating when things go well.

Our Happiness Days are Limited Belief:  If we celebrate that things are going well they will immediately stop going well.  It is as if the universe is watching us and if he/she knows that we are happy he/she will immediately take it away.  Or another popular theory, we only have a finite number of days we can truly be happy so you don't want to waste those days on minor celebrations.

Our Happiness Might Make Others Feel Bad Belief:  The second most popular belief revolves around humility.  If we celebrate our happiness and joy we basically make other feel like crap and that just isn't nice.  So if our life is going particularly well we need to not celebrate it for fear that we will make other people feel less good about their own lives.

You'll Eventually Get Smacked Down Again Belief:   And finally: you shouldn't celebrate happiness because life always brings you back to reality. Eventually something bad will happen (e.g. I will return to the cold and snow after my vacation) so you might as well just keep yourself on the flat even road of life rather than ride the roller coasters of ups and downs

As I talked with people about these beliefs and even as I write them now I am amazed at the craziness of them--seriously, a limited number of days?  But I admit, crazy or not  I have internalized these beliefs too. So I am going to debunk them as best I can.

Our Happiness Days are Limited Belief:  The universe is not out to get us.  This belief's foundation comes from the idea that we are alloted a certain number of days to be happy--that true growth comes from suffering.  While I believe we learn from suffering we also learn from joy.  We learn from happiness and celebration!  The universe has better things to do then keep us in check on our joy levels, in fact I believe the universe would be better off if there were more joyful celebrations out there.

Our Happiness Might Make Others Feel Bad Belief: This belief is a solid one for me, I struggle with celebrating too much because it might make others feel bad.  But in reality my happiness and their happiness are not linked at all.  When someone close to me is having a really good day or gets to do something really fun, I don't feel bad, in fact I feel happier because they are happier.  If I do get jealous or envious, that is about me and my need to take a trip of live a dream not because THEY are too happy.  I am not responsible for someone else's happiness.

You'll Eventually Get Smacked Down Again Belief: As I always say living happier is about experience a wide range of emotions, it is about feeling the joy and the celebration and about experiencing the grief and sadness.  Life is a roller coaster and which means it is an exhilarating, exhausting, scary, fun, thrilling, nauseating ride.  It is a ride.  So yes, I might be experiencing pain in the upcoming months so why does it follow that I shouldn't experience joy.  In reality, preventing myself from feeling joy doesn't make the pain any less painful--it just means I didn't get the thrill of experiencing my joy.

So there you have it--my 'what keeps you from celebrating your joy' social experiment.  Now I am going to throw the question out to you--do you struggle to celebrate your joy?  What are your beliefs around this concept?

What are your barriers?

The Persian Mystic, Rumi has many many wonderful quotes--one of my favorites is:


"Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it"--Rumi

Rumi is talking about love but in reality, you can replace the word love with anything you are seeking: success, peace, money, joy, freedom, commitment, etc.  Every now and then I come across a quote that just allows me to take a deep breath and say, "yes".  This is one of those quotes.

I tend to be a doer a goal setter, list keeper type-A personality type of girl.  This quote reminds me that frequently we are getting in our own way.  Sometimes the reason we aren't achieving or getting something we desire isn't because we aren't working hard enough, it is because we aren't open to it.  It is the difference between doing vs. being.  I admit it sounds a little 'woo-woo' and I am a practical gal.  But here's the thing, I am not necessarily talking about energy blocks, I am talking about limiting beliefs, unresolved hurts and issues.  We all have blocks and barriers to stuff.  Even the things we want most in life we have protections built up around them.

Take love for example:  many of my clients are looking for love an intimate partner to share their life.   Frequently, I have found with some of my clients because they want love so much they are on a high mission to find it, 'seeking it ' like crazy.  Often times because of this seeking they enter into unhealthy relationships that end poorly. However, when the look deep enough they see they are picking less then compatible partners so they don't have to be truly vulnerable or really commit.  If someone isn't compatible then they don't have to deal with their lack of self esteem.    To Rumi's point, if they stopped seeking outside themselves and worked on the barriers they have put forth to finding love e.g. commitment issues, vulnerability issues, self esteem issues they might have a better success finding true love.

Another example I find frequently in my clients is career fulfillment/success.  Many of my clients want to find a career they love. They might be working hard to find that, taking many assessments, seeing a career counselor, and applying for jobs they like.  They are doing a lot of foot work.  In reality there are a lot of barriers within them around the career eg. self esteem issues, lack of support of family/friends, negative self talk, etc.  These barriers keep them from truly getting in touch with their success and their passion. They are spending a lot of time doing the work of looking for a job but not paying attention to the limiting belief barriers that are getting in their way.

This week I have had a lot of small victories in my business:  new clients, new opportunities, accolades and positive feedback.  Yesterday, as I was writing my goals for the coming weeks,  I glanced down at my desk and saw the quote.  I had written it down a few weeks ago to use in a blog post and I thought, 'ah, relax girl'.  I have worked hard to get the victories of this week but rather than enjoy them I just felt more pressure to add to my to-do list.  I know for me, when I tend to feel the need to run harder and faster, there is a barrier there that I need to work on.  

 One of the reasons the Rumi quote speaks to me is that I tend to just keep adding things to my list, setting new goals, trying new things.   So this quote is a wonderful reminder to me to relax, take a deep breath and realize that sometimes you are getting in your own way. My job isn't to get stuck in the doing it is to take care of myself and make sure I am as open and barrier-free as possible.

What are you seeking for and what are the barriers you have around it?  Where do you see barriers getting in your way?

Self Help: There is No Such Thing as Get Fixed Quick.

Lately many of my clients have been coming in to my office after having read a self-help book of some kind.  Sometimes these books have inspired my clients to change and seek help, sometimes they have left them beaten down and disheartened because they can't seem to implement the steps that the book spells out.

In my opinion, one of the problems with self-help books is they tend to break it down into 10 steps to change your life--when in reality implementing one of those 10 steps could take years.  The problem with many pop psychology books and principles is that they make us believe in the get fixed quick principles. In reality, this stuff is hard. (I wrote this post last year and it is one of my favorite posts)  

This is something I struggle with as I write a daily blog post on living happier--how to break something extremely challenging down to 5 paragraphs. True change takes awareness, persistence, desire, and time.  It isn't something that happens overnight when you can just 'bam' start being more loving or caring or open.

The first goal of living happier is to embrace yourself who you are to remember that you are valuable, lovable, worthy period.  You don't need to change to become a better person.  The second goal is once you have fully embraced that you are lovable, to then look at your life and see what is getting in your way of living happier.

Then pick one thing that you want to change.  Maybe it is your desire to be less self critical.  So first you have to start catching yourself when you are self critical.  Because being self critical has become something you do without thinking, you might just do an inventory at the end of the day so you can start bring your self-critical tendencies into the light.  Then gradually you start noting them down right after they happen, then  you start noticing what triggers your self criticalness--maybe it is your job or your lack of close relationships or maybe you are tired all the time or maybe it is just habit.  So once you have built an awareness around your self-critical tendencies you can figure out  how often they occur, when they occur and perhaps why they occur then you can start changing them.  You can start catching yourself in the moment and replacing self criticism with a loving thought about yourself or the situation.  During this time you may have days where you fall back into the pattern and beat yourself up all day and you might have days where you are super loving to yourself.  All part of the process.  That is how change starts to happen. That process is then repeated daily over and over until eventually your self critical tendencies become less.

It isn't an easy get fixed quick concept--it isn't just like we can change our thoughts and feel better.  We are human beings who are complex and messy.  So give yourself a break.  The goal of living happier is to just slowly, gradually implement principles that allow us to live a little happier then we were a month ago or a year ago.  It is about paying attention to our lives and noticing how we are feeling, what we love about ourselves, what we might want to change and giving ourselves the space to do that.

Who is in Your Tribe?

As a response to yesterday's post on Loneliness.  I thought it might be helpful to think about who makes up our tribe.  Who are the people that we lean on? That we can go to when time's get tough or when we have something to celebrate?

This weekend we are celebrating Valentine's Day. For some people believe this holiday is merely a torture mechanism to realize they are not in a relationship or their partner isn't as romantic as the people on the Kay Jewelers commercial.  But I think this holiday give us a chance to celebrate our tribe.

What is a tribe?  A tribe is the group of people we have in our small part of the universe that helps us get through life.  Our tribe consists of our life partners, friends, children, parents, aunts and uncles, cousins, co-workers, ministers, grocery clerks, mechanics, and teachers.  All those people who help support us and make our lives easier.  We might interact with them daily or weekly or yearly.  Regardless they are the people that help us Live Happier. They are the people who impact our lives in big and little ways. They are the people we should be honoring on Valentine's Day.

We can't do it alone--without our tribe we would be sunk.  So this Valentine's Day--make a list of all the people who impact you and send them a little love.

Facing our Loneliness

In my opinion, one of the toughest emotions to deal with is loneliness.  Loneliness can creep in during the middle of the night as we lie in bed, it can show up in the middle of party when we realize we don't really want to be there, or on the couch with a partner who really doesn't get us. Loneliness can show up when we are truly alone or when we are surrounded by other people.   The truth is loneliness is real.  It is a part of the human condition-it is something we all have to face and deal with whether we are in a healthy partnership of 25+ years or have been single for 5+ years.  Loneliness is different then being alone.  You can be surrounded by people and feel lonely and you can be alone and feel joyous and happy.

For many of us we run from this loneliness, we shove it down, we ignore it, we jump from relationship to relationship trying to not experience it.  But loneliness is always there.  It is a painful reminder that we aren't getting a need met, that we are sad or scared or vulnerable.  Many of us make bad decisions all in the name of trying to avoid loneliness. We stay in unhealthy relationships, we hang out with people who don't support us, we fill our lives with noise and distractions so we don't have to face ourselves.

For most of my adult life I have lived alone.  I use to book myself sold with parties, dinners, movies, just to be out of the house.  I convinced myself that I had a full exciting life because I was never home.  One night as I was sitting across the table from a friend eating dinner out for the 20th straight night I realized, I felt lonely.  Even though my schedule appeared busy and I was alway surrounded by people, I wasn't really connecting with anyone.  I was trying to avoid the loneliness that I felt in my soul by booking myself solid with dinners and people.  I booked myself solid with people who didn't really know me or care about me.  I realized I had to face the loneliness.  Today I still have moments and periods of loneliness, and honestly, my first instinct is always to run from them.  But I have learned that loneliness is part of the human condition, it is there to teach me something.  I built relationships with people who love me and support me who I know I can call when the loneliness overwhelms me.

Facing our loneliness allows us to Live Happier.  It allows us to look at our lives, our relationships and make sure we are hanging with quality people who love and support us.  Loneliness might be there to tell you it is time to face a loss, move on from an unhealthy relationship, or gather new friends.  It is counter-intuitive because we all want to run from it.  The next time that dreaded loneliness creeps just TRY to welcome it.  Ask it what it has to teach you, write in your journal, or call a friend whom you trust. Most importantly, start building some awareness around your loneliness and how you deal with it.

When does loneliness creep in for you? How do you handle your loneliness?  What are your favorite ways to distract yourself when you feel lonely?  Who do you trust to talk to when you feel lonely?

Life is Just a Mix of Sand and Rocks

Recently I was reminded of this story--you have probably heard it before as I had--but it was a good reminder to me about life and priorities.  

A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks right to the top, rocks about 2" in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full?

They agreed it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them in to the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. The students laughed. He asked his students again if the jar was full? They agreed yes, it was.

The professor then picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. “Now,” said the professor, “I want you to recognize that this is your life.

The rocks are the important things – your family, your partner, your health, your children — anything that is so important to you that if it were lost, you would be nearly destroyed.

The pebbles are the other things in life that matter, but on a smaller scale. The pebbles represent things like your job, your house, your car.

The sand is everything else. The small stuff. If you put the sand or the pebbles into the jar first, there is no room for the rocks. The same goes for your life.

If you spend all your energy and time on the small stuff, material things, you will never have room for the things that are truly most important. Pay attention to the things that are critical in your life. Play with your children. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal. Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just pebbles and sand."

I talk a lot in my practice about what is it you value? What is it you need?  This story illustrates the power behind that process.  When we don't take the time to figure out what we value, love, need we fill our lives with empty space and useless dirt rather then filling it with love, joy, and value.

What are your rocks?  What do you value above all else?

Unconditional Love vs Loving Without Boundaries

Last week, I gave a talk to a local group on communication and conflict.  If you are a regular reader, you know one of my biggest beliefs is that what we all crave is a little validation and unconditional love.  Especially when we are dealing with conflict, we need to have the ability to hear people's stories and understand their perspective.

One of the women at the presentation came up to me afterwards.  She had the belief that if you unconditionally love someone they will take advantage of you or not perform their best.  She told me the story of her adult son who was struggling to get his life going and had made some bad decisions.  She felt one of the reasons he was struggling was because she had loved him too much. As we talked more, I began to realize there is a difference between unconditional love and love with no personal boundaries.  Unconditional love is the concept of I know you are doing the best you can with what you have, it is being present to someone in need and holding the space.  Love with no boundaries means I allow you to take advantage of me, to hurt me, to belittle me in the name of love.  In the brief conversation with this woman, it became clear that her son was taking advantage of her generosity and her kindness.  It also became clear that what she thought was unconditional love (financial support and helpful guidance) was laced with criticism and judgment.

It is my belief when we unconditionally love someone when we allow them to be all that they are failures and strengths, personality glitches and generosities, people soar to meet our expectations.  Unconditional love is such a rare and wonderful gift.  We all want to be loved just for being who we are.  When someone gives us that gift we want to strive to be the best person possible.  However, to unconditionally love someone doesn't mean I need to accept someone's rude behavior, or put up with someone's disrespect and lying.  I can unconditionally love someone and have strong boundaries that don't allow that behavior in my presence.

Unconditional love means I see in you all your wonderful gifts and strengths and I am going to continually point those out to you AND when you are struggling and making bad decisions I am still going to see all the wonderfulness that is you.  I am not going to judge you or criticize you AND I am going to have strong boundaries so you don't take advantage of me or hurt me because you are struggling.

As the woman walked away, she said she had never thought of love that way.  She said she realized that she was more angry at herself then her son because she didn't have good boundaries so she allowed him to take advantage.  Don't get me wrong, the son was clearly in the wrong for hurting his mother, however she also had some responsibility in allowing to happen repeatedly.

Unconditional love is not for the weak of heart. Unconditional love requires the strength to love them anyway.  It requires the strength to set personal boundaries so you can love from a distance if need be. It is not critical, belittling or manipulative it is open, full and accepting. Unconditional love allows us to see the best in other people and allows them to become their best.  Bottom line, unconditional love is a wonderful, challenging, difficult gift we can give to ourselves and those close to us.

What are your thoughts on unconditional love?  What do you struggle with around this concept?

Birthdays, Rituals and Cake

Today is my birthday.  I am a big fan of celebrating my birthday!!!   In fact, I usually throw myself a birthday party but this year I am opting for a more quiet celebration and taking a vacation with one of my nearest and dearest!

Honestly, I don't understand those people who don't want to announce or celebrate their birthdays!  I love my birthday, not just because I get to be the center of my own universe for  a day--ha!  I love my birthday because it is a day I can celebrate me!  It is a day I can look back on and celebrate the fact that I am still here, still growing, still learning, still loving life.  I am another year older and hopefully another year wiser.  Now don't misunderstand me--some birthdays can be a struggle.  I usually have a pause at the idea of growing older.  Every now and then I realize I am not 21 anymore even though most days I still feel like it.

One of the keys I think to Living Happier is having rituals or traditions.  Markers at which you celebrate or honor something.  Birthdays are one of these markers.  To me birthdays aren't necessarily about presents or fancy dinners (although those can be nice).  Birthdays are a chance to enjoy the love of family and friends, to reflect on the past and dream about the future.  Birthdays give us a chance to celebrate our lives.

I believe we should celebrate our birthdays with fun rituals/traditions whether that be a card from your mother, your favorite breakfast in bed, a bouquet of your favorite flowers or a birthday cake.   For me, it is the cake.  Hands down my favorite, have to birthday tradition is to have a cake. The picture above is a birthday cake from a few years ago. Those that know me, know I have to have a cake, preferably one that is yummy.  

Overall, my birthday traditions are pretty simple:

• Have time to reflect on the past year and the dreams of the year to come.
• Take time to soak up the joy and love from my family and friends.
• Eat lots of yummy food especially cake.
• And most importantly, all day long as I go through the day I have my own private celebrate me party.  

How do you feel about your birthday? What are your birthday traditions/rituals?  I would love to hear how you celebrate the uniqueness that is you!!

Passion and Cooking

I have become obsessed with the movie Julie and Julia--it actually was in theaters last year and was released on DVD a few months ago. The movie follows the lives of two women.   Julia Child and her struggle to get her cook book Mastering the Art of French Cooking to be published and Julie who decides to take a year to cook every recipe in Julia's book and then write a blog about it.  The movie flips back and forth between these two stories, in the 1940s-1950s and in the year 2001-2001.  I admit I enjoy the Julia Child (played by Meryl Streep) parts better.  But overall, I love the movie because it talks about passion.

The movie shows how these two women discovered their passion for both cooking and life.  I love watching them go through the joy, self doubt, passion, love, fear, self-judgement that all goes along with living passionately.  Somewhere we were taught that once we find what we are passionate about everything will just fall into place.  Finding what you are passionate about simply helps you engage in an activity you love.  Finding what your passionate about helps you live happier because you are feeding your soul with an activity that makes it soar.  Anyone who saw Julia Child cook (and I know I am dating myself here) saw her passion for cooking, her absolute joy in it.  That passion wasn't discovered until she was in her 40s, before that she was a secretary for the US Government.  Once she discovered cooking she just couldn't get enough.  She took classes, she became a teacher, she wrote a book, she appeared on TV.  All those things took years, years of self doubt, of risk of fear.  However, what she kept coming back to, was her passion for cooking.  She moved through her fear, self doubt and continually went back to what she loved.  And with the support of her husband and friends she did finally reach her goal of having a book published that made French cooking accessible to Americans.

I think passion has gotten a bad rap.  Passion has become something that we search after, something we think we need to find. Passion is thought to be this ONE thing and once we find it all will be good with our lives.  I believe, passion is not something we find, it is how we live our lives.  When we live passionately, we participate in activities that we enjoy and spend time with people who engage us.  Passion can infiltrate everything we do from playing with our kids, having coffee with a friend, to working on the computer.  Passion is a state of mind.  However, having passion doesn't prevent us from having self doubt or wondering if we are doing the right thing.  Passion allows us to live with zest and zeal and embrace all of life:  the joy, the fear, the thrill, the doubts.  Julia Child lived her life with passion, from how she engaged with her husband, to how she ate her food she was a passionate person. And she also experienced self doubt and frustration.

So today think about your day as a chance to live with passion.  How can you add more passion to your life?   Where do you get your passion?

Feeling Both: Cranky and Blessed

Back from vacation and I admit I am struggling a bit this morning.  In fact, in the interest of full disclosure it took all I had to pull myself up out of bed this morning.  Partially because I am still experiencing jet lag and partially because in all honestly I am just not looking forward to my day.  As I made my way from my nice warm bed to the bathroom my head was spinning with negativity.  I was feeling down right cranky.  Cranky at having to get up out of bed, cranky at being done with vacation and back into the routine, cranky with having a to-do list a mile long and specifically cranky about the things on my to do list today.  Not feeling down or depressed just not wanting to do anything.  Honestly, just wanting a few more days of vacation.

By the time I had come downstairs and was greeted by my dog (even that didn't pull me out of my mood) I was beating myself up for feeling cranky and for not enjoying my blessings, for not recognizing that really I have it pretty good.  I have a lot to look forward to in the coming weeks and days.  But this "you SHOULD be grateful" mini-lecture didn't really help.  Instead I was now in a bad mood and feeling selfish.  As I poured my cereal and made my coffee and started my morning ritual, I thought to myself, "what if you just went with it".  Just feel what you are feeling.  Don't talk yourself out of it, don't beat yourself up just be.  So I am. And you know what I feel better.  I am not looking forward to my day, I still want to crawl back into bed but I am not swimming in a pool of self hatred and guilt. I know when I give myself space to feel my feelings I usually feel better.  When I allow myself to just feel cranky, tired, in vacation hang over mode, I feel better faster.  The problem comes in when I try to convince myself my mood is inappropriate or not valid.

The truth is we ALL have bad days.  We all have days we don't feel well, aren't looking forward to, or just wake up on the wrong side of the bed.  During these days our first reaction is to try to talk ourselves out of it, to talk ourselves into a good mood.  One of the ways we do this is by using gratitude.  We try to convince ourselves to be grateful.  Gratitude is awesome and I am a HUGE fan of being grateful.  But somehow/somewhere our moods and gratitude got connected.  I can be grateful AND tried and cranky.  Gratitude is meant to help us gain perspective, to help us relish the little things and see the beauty in the every day.  Gratitude can help us feel better and see our lives differently.  But when gratitude or lack of gratitude is used as a way to beat ourselves up it is painful and unhelpful.

Today I am having a bad day.  Today I am grateful for all my blessings for my dog, my house, my career, my family and friends.  I am grateful I am celebrating my birthday this week (more on that later) and in less than a month I get to take another vacation.   I am grateful I get to write this blog and talk about living happier.  Today I am both:  Not looking forward to my day, feeling pretty cranky and grateful that I was able to get up out of bed and feel healthy.  So I am going to hold both, I am going to allow myself to feel both blessed and cranky.  

What are your thoughts on bad days?  How do you help yourself feel better?

The Power Of Giving

I the link to this article from CNN on the power of giving from my aunt last week.  Although, it is from December and is geared toward the holiday time, I thought it would be helpful to have this reminder during January.  Giving of ourselves, our stories, our time, our resources, our gifts, allows us to see the big picture.  Giving expands our hearts, our worldview and allows us to feel and express our humanity.

Giving can be as big as traveling across the world to help those in other countries learn how to grow food, or gain an education. Or as small as giving of a smile or a helping hand to a stranger.  We have opportunities to give on a daily basis.  What is your giving story?  How has giving of yourself and your gifts enhanced your life and those around you?

Live Happier Lessons From The Mountain

Doesn't that title make me sound all buddhist like?  Really, I mean from the top of Mount Bachelor in Bend, Oregon.  I have returned from 2 days of skiing and I am very excited to report I had a wonderful, relaxing, joyful time.  I had fun with my friend, I didn't beat myself up and I greatly improved my skiing!  It was the best ski trip ever and I am know I owe a lot of it to my attitude change.

While I was on the mountain I came up with a few, pretty basic, but still powerful thoughts on living happier.

Be Present.  Wow it was breathtaking up there, sunny, blue skies, snow capped trees.  Absolutely gorgeous.  After we were done skiing we always meet on the lodge deck for a celebratory beer and a snack. I was the first to make it to the deck and as I sat looking at the mountain, watching the skiers I noticed myself getting a little antsy.  I was ready for the 'next thing'.  Then I reminded myself 'look around, you are surrounded by beauty, take a deep breath, relax and enjoy the view'.  Being a person who is usually on to the next thing, someone who deals with anxiety on a daily basis I need to actively remind myself to stay in the moment.  The beauty is when I have the awareness to catch myself and I can then re-engage.  So I sat back, drank my beer and enjoyed the view.  Today enjoy the view of your life, of your kids playing, of your comfortable home, of your back yard.  Take some time to reflect and enjoy the view.

It's not all about speed.  I am a big fan of speed, I like to go as fast as I can, get there and get it done.  That has been my M.O. with skiing, go as fast as I can (and usually stop myself by falling).  This year I actually had some control, I could adjust how fast or slow I went (did I mention I didn't fall once!!). And while I enjoyed the times when I could fly down the mountain, wind whipping my hair.  I noticed I enjoyed the times more when I could make wide strokes across the mountain and just enjoy the feel of my legs on the ski's and the snow as I pushed through it.  Frequently, we get stuck in 'getting it done' and we forget the journey.  We forget it is the process of getting there that is fun, sometimes we need some speed to get through and sometimes we can just enjoy the ride.

Laugh.  One of the things I love best about visiting my friends in Oregon is that they make me laugh.  Big long belly laughs. I love to laugh, I have one of those loud booming laughs. I love laughing so hard that I can't catch my breath.  I get to do that frequently when I am out here visiting.  But I really noticed over the past 2 days how laughter can just immediately relax me.  It was a great reminder that I wasn't trying to solve the health care crisis or negotiate world peace, I was just skiing. I was just having fun. So when my friend and I would ride up the ski life, inevitably he would make me bust out in laughter and I would immediately relax and remember where I was and my mission to have fun.  Laughter gives us a natural pause, it gives us a chance to experience some joy and relax.

Engage with others.  During most of our days we are in our groove, we talk to our friends, our co-workers our family members but we rarely chat with random strangers.  One of the things I love about vacation is how easy that is to do. Sitting at the lodge, riding the ski lift, waiting in line, I met a number of interesting people who shared a bit of their story with me for the 3 minutes we were together.  I like to hear people's stories (one reason I am a good therapist) and it was nice to have the time and the relaxed attitude to engage with other people.  Today as you move through your day, engage with others, give them a smile, a nod, ask them about their day, their lives.  Hear their stories.

As I said in the beginning, these lessons are simple and basic, but sometimes we need reminders on the little things to help us live happier.

The Messages Behind Love/Hate Relationships

As I have talked about before, I believe thought patterns and old tapes are one of the main things that prevent us from living happier.  I am constantly amazed for both myself and my clients how these thought patterns can play in our unconscious without us even knowing.  As I have said before, awareness is the key to stopping these patterns and deleting the tapes.  Without awareness we cannot discover, let alone change these endless tape machines that drone in our brains.

This week I am in Oregon, visiting some very close friends of mine and doing a little skiing.  I am actually in my ski gear as I type preparing to dash out the door and up to Mt. Bachelor.  I am a beginner skier--I only ski one or two days a year and I just started skiing 5 years ago.  I am not a terrible skier, I tend to go to fast and fall too often.  But for the most part I really like it.  I like the rush of trying something new, the thrill of going down the mountain.   I especially like the post-skiing chili and beer which I share with one of my dearest friends as we re-cap the days events.   I also hate skiing, I hate that I am not very good at it, I hate that 5 year olds can kick my butt as the zoom down the hill.  I hate that I get so nervous I feel like I am going to puke each time I start out.

So this week my friends and I were talking about my mixed emotions around skiing.  We were analyzing and bringing to awareness what it is I don't like about it. Basically what I hate about is that it triggers old patterns for me.  A few of these old tapes would be :  "You are not good at physical activity, you are out of shape and uncoordinated.  To be good at something you have to struggle--you can't have fun while learning.  Because you have to be the best."


I don't know if it is my protestant upbringing or the fact I had 2 older brothers who consistently belittled my physical prowess.  Truth is, it doesn't matter where those beliefs came from--what matters is they don't serve me anymore.  In fact, I am as I keep saying, 'in the best shape of my life" I work out 5 days a week I swim, I lift weights, I do cardio.  I am in good shape--maybe I am using different muscles to ski.  The argument that I am not good at physical activity or uncoordinated is not true.  Also, telling myself how terrible I am at skiing doesn't make it any more fun.  In fact it makes it miserable AND I am not going to get better at something that makes me so stressed.

Yesterday I started noticing my thoughts as I prepared for today's ski trip. Anytime I repeated one of my tapes I gave myself a new belief, a new thought. This morning as I write this post, drinking my coffee in full ski gear I am looking forward to skiing.  I am excited to see how I do, to just have fun, get some exercise, enjoy the company of a good friend and feel the wind as I whoosh down the mountain!

I will let you know how it goes!

Is there something you have a love/hate relationship with?  What is something you dread doing?  What messages are you telling yourself around this activity that might help you change perspective?

Loving them Anyway #2: Loving Over the Long Haul

Last week, I wrote a post on loving them anyway.  Inspired by Thich Nhat Han, and discussing how we need to be open to people's failings and love them anyway. I received a few comments from people who resonated with this post.  One that really got me thinking (which is why I love her writings because she usually does get me thinking) was by Lindsey from one of my favorite blogs A Design So Vast.  She talked about how she has struggled with the line between loving someone when they are imperfect and accepting someone's bad behavior.  I have been thinking about her comment and the concept of where is that line?  Because I too struggle with it.  Growing up with messages of avoiding co-dependency and women who love too much, I have noticed myself and some women in my practice become  hyper aware of  our own  needs and what we want our of a relationship.  We have lost the idea that relationships are about give and take.  They require some measure of vulnerability and risk.  The goal of a relationship is to show up for your partner over the long haul and be open to their needs as well as your own.  Healthy relationships involve give and take and a sense of loving someone even if they don't hit the mark all the time.  

Please hear me, I in no way want to encourage abusive or negative behavior.  Someone degrading, hitting, yelling, or belittling another human being is unacceptable behavior in any relationship.

I am talking more to those daily mess-ups or when someone just isn't quite there for us when we need them.  I feel that somewhere in the world of relationships we lost the human factor.  We lost the belief that for the most part we are all trying to do the best we can with what we have.  There are people out there who are abusive and negative and we don't want them in our lives.  AND there are people that are trying and because they aren't hitting perfection on a semi-regular basis we are frustrated.

When I look at long term successful (or what I see as successful) relationships in my world, what I see are 2 people who decided that there is more good here then bad, people that have committed to each other to work through their problems and live out a life of mutual co-existence and make a life that is happy.  They are committed to each other's happiness and sharing a life--they are not keeping score or holding a tally sheet.  They are over the long haul loving and supporting each other through life.

So when you think about your relationship I want you to ask yourself--over the long haul...  Is this person adding to my life?  Is this person building up more than tearing me down? When the chips are down would this person be there for me?  Does this person celebrate my successes and dry my tears during my challenges?  Is this person truly capable of showing me in ways I can feel it that they love me?     Then ask yourself.  Do I add to this person's life?  Do I build this person up more then tear them down?  When the chips are down am I fully there for this person?  Do I celebrate their successes and dry their tears during the challenges?  Am I capable of showing them in ways they can feel that I love them?

If you answered yes to these questions, be grateful and celebrate the genuinely sturdy foundation on which your relationship is based.  If you answered no, now is a time to take a deeper look at your relationship, at your needs and your partners needs and explore ways of re-building the foundations of your relationship.

Relationships is about playing a game of catch.  And we need to have some awareness and communication  around our relationships, around what we need, what our partner's need and how we can  help each other meet those needs.

Thanks to everyone for your comments--my goal of this blog is to make this a conversation about Living Happier as a person, in relationship and in your careers.  Thank you for showing up and sharing.

The Power of Our Thoughts and Living Happier

I am constantly amazed at the power of our minds in shaping our emotions.  However,  I think the idea of just think happy and it will be so, can be over simplified.  I am a big believer that we need to actually FEEL things, feel grief or anger or betrayal and putting on a happy face and ignoring any feelings of pain or anxiety isn't going to make us feel better in the long run.  So for today I am talking about those days when we are just feeling in a funk or just woke up on the wrong side of the bed.  On these days I do believe we can change our moods by changing our thoughts.  We can as they say make lemonade out of lemons.

So yesterday I was at the gym and my trainer (who I love to death and thank her daily for whipping me into shape) had me doing this awful and I do mean awful push-up, turning, abs,  pilatesesque exercise.  One of those it hurts so bad it BETTER be good for me exercises.  We were at the end of my workout and I was just DONE I mean D.O.N.E.

For this exercise,  I had to do 5 reps each side 3 sets in total.  During the first set, after each side I would put down the weights and just complain to my trainer about how much I hated this exercise, how much it hurt and how hard it was.  During the second set, I gave up complaining out loud and just voiced it in my head. Just going to town with how much I HATED this exercise and how bad I was at it.  On the last set, I was sick of myself complaining and said to my trainer, "ok, I am just going to do it--I love this exercise, I am strong and this is making even stronger" and she said ,"yes, you can do it" and started cheering me on. Throughout the third set I just kept saying to myself "you are strong and getting stronger".  Amazingly the last set was not only my best set form wise but I whipped through it with much less pain and effort.  Now you could argue that it was my last set and that is why I felt better, which might have something to do with it, but I honestly think it was my attitude.  I felt lighter on the 3rd set, I felt more confident and the exercise felt easier. I realized that my thoughts were literally dragging me down, making the exercise 1000 times harder than it already was and when I finished I said wow it is amazing the difference your thoughts can make.

I notice that on the days when I am feeling grumpy for no reason that when I start paying attention to my inner dialogue it's not positive--it is full of judgements about myself or just plain old negativity.  When I switch those negative thoughts to positive I do feel better, my posture changes,  my walk is lighter, I add a smile to my face, I honestly feel happier.  All that it required was changing my thoughts.  Sometimes life truly does hand us a bad batch of lemons and there is no hope of getting any lemonade and we do need to experience that pain and disappointment.  We need to vent and feel sad.  Sometimes life hands us what we perceive as bad lemons when if we look at them again they are sprinkled with sugar and we can make some wonderful lemonade by reframing the situation and changing our thoughts.

What do you think is living happier as easy as changing your thoughts?  Do you have examples of times you have changed your negative thinking and felt happier?

The No Judgment Experiment

A couple of weeks ago a friend of mine was telling me about a guy where he works who had told him that he had recently started trying to live his life being without judgement of himself or other people and that he felt  much happier.  So my friend said to me "hey maybe that is a blog post idea, live happier by being non-judgmental" (side note: since writing this blog you would be amazed how often "hey that would make a great blog post" comes up in daily conversation). Although the concept that non judgment is a key to living happier isn't a new one, it wasn't one I had actively engaged in--in my own life.  As a  therapist and teacher, I pride myself on being pretty non-judgmental, pretty open to people and their lives/life choices.  But I know I have a tendency to be pretty judgmental on myself and so I wanted to try the experiment and see how it felt.

So  decided the next day I would start trying to live a life of being non-judgmental and then blog about how I felt.   As I said at the beginning, this whole concept came to my thought process a couple of weeks ago.  Since that time I have tried to make it through ONE day with the consistent, conscious thought of being non-judgmental, unsuccessfully.  Finally, I decided that it was too much to go with the goal of being non-judgmental.  First (as I always say) you have to start with awareness so Monday I decided to just be aware and notice when I am judgmental and what I am judgmental about.  The theory being if I can figure out what I am judgmental about I can bring more awareness to those areas and eliminate them.  But my findings were very interesting.

This is what I learned in my two- day experiment:

• I tend to be most judgmental of myself (not surprising).
• To that same end, many of my judgments about other people come from some place of insecurity about myself.  I see someone who has a nice body or looks especially cute and I make some judgment about her intelligence to make myself feel better that I don't have that body.  
• Much to my dismay, I tend to be more judgmental when I am around certain people--so if someone around me is judgmental and I don't know them well or am not particularly comfortable with them I tend to just go along rather than stop the judgment.

I admit part of the reason I didn't want to write this blog post is because I didn't want to admit I am judgmental and I do judge myself and others more than I thought.  But what I found most enlightening about this experiment (which I hope to continue and falls nicely in my year of love theme) is that judgment is directly correlated with my level of insecurity.  I am very live and let live about people and their life choices.  However, the areas I am personally insecure about are the areas I tend to be most judgmental about in myself and other people.  Therefore-if we can start eliminating the insecurities/judgments it stands to reason we would live happier because we would be less insecure, less worried about the outside world, more grounded etc.  Now I don't know if the goal of completely eliminating insecurities and therefore judgments is a realistic one--but it is totally worth a shot to decrease them.

So today I challenge you to your own Non-Judgment experiment.  Just for the day notice when you are judgmental.  What are you most judgmental about both in yourself and in others? What are the themes that emerge?  Remember the key is to be non-judgmental about your tendency to be judgmental (as hard as that is).

I would love to hear from you about your experience--were you surprised at your judgments?  Did you find similar findings that your judgments=your insecurities?

I will keep you posted on my non-judgment experiment as the year goes on.