Work Happier. Live Happier.

What do you REALLY REALLY REALLY want?

2012-01-26T10:29:00.000-05:00

A few weeks ago one of my clients was sharing how she had been waking up each morning and asking herself what do you REALLY REALLY REALLY WANT? She had seen it on an Oprah episode and had found it interesting. As she asked herself the question each morning she would make note of what came up for her. Most of the time it wasn't a big or life changing want but more of a small want; like I want to do yoga more frequently or I want to eat pizza for breakfast.

The part of the exercise she found most interesting was just in asking the question. The natural pause that the question caused. No matter how many times she asked the question, she said there was always a moment of "huh" and then she was usually surprised by the response. As she asked and answered the question she started to learn more about herself and what was important to her. The question seems so basic, so 'duh' but when you are trying to figure out how to live a life of intentionality and meaning asking yourself these types of questions can really help.

I have found personally asking this question in times of conflict with another person has helped me get clear on what is really going on. If I am having a disagreement with a friend or colleague or even my nearest and dearest I will pause and ask myself ok what do I really really really want out of this situation. (Sometimes that pause comes in the middle of the conflict sometimes it comes at the end) Most of the time my answer isn't what I am fighting for or even asking for--most of the time I am somewhat stunned by the answer. Honestly, what I really really really want is usually possible but the vulnerability around asking for it is too much. So I put up a number of smoke screens in the conflict rather than go through the vulnerability to ask for what I really really really want. When I ask the question and can ask for the answer the conflict usually dissipates relatively quickly.

Whenever I am stuck, feeling overwhelmed or just curious I will ask myself ok what do you really, really, really want and the response usually surprises me. Not necessarily that I need to act on that want in the moment..but it allows for the pause and brings a certain level of clarity to the moment.

So today just ask yourself, what do you REALLY REALLY REALLY want out of your day, your life or just the moment? You might be surprised by the answer.

Add a Little Silly

2012-01-25T09:58:00.000-05:00

Lately I confess it has been a little intense in my world. With the new year came a new list of goals, ideas, projects etc. I have been a very head down, studious and hard working girl. I have accomplished a lot, moved forward on a lot of goals and ideas. Which is awesome and wonderful!!

Then amazingly, yesterday, I had a pleasant reminder of how much I love to laugh, and how laughter has been missing from my nose to the grindstone life of late. I couldn't even tell you what happened but somehow I ended up laughing so hard I couldn't catch my breathe. And then I remembered how much I love to laugh, how good it feels to just let loose and be silly. I am a big believer that in midst of all things you need to laugh--laughter is a key component to my work as a counselor.

It is important as you move through a transition, debate life issues, think about what comes next that you take time to laugh, to be silly, to blow off some steam.

I absolutely LOVE thinking about the best way to move forward, the next step in the path and different ways to grow personally and professionally. I LOVE helping clients think about those concepts and figure out what comes next. However, I also LOVE to just be silly. I love to laugh until I can't breathe, dance until my legs want to fall off, and just plain have fun. And I confess I don't do it nearly enough. Fortunately for me I have people in my life who remind me the importance of being silly, cutting loose and just ENJOY life. We all need that balance, the yin to the yang of life.

When we don't have those 2 counter energies...life gets to be too much, it gets to be overwhelming.

So today I am going to keep it simple and just say give yourself a break. Do something fun, watch a silly movie or read a book that makes you joyous. Add a little silly in to your life.

The War of the Wants and the Shoulds

2012-01-24T12:06:00.000-05:00

What if the possibilities were endless? What if you could do whatever, whenever, wherever?

This is the question I keep having with myself in relation to how I want to spend my time next weekend. You see, next Saturday, I will be celebrating my 39th Birthday!! Next Thursday my nearest and dearest leaves on a 5 day boys weekend to celebrate a friend of his 30th birthday. So I have the whole weekend to myself and I can't for the life of me figure out what I want to do with my time. As a side note: Yes, I am sad that my nearest and dearest won't be here ON my Birthday and quite honestly that is how I would want to spend the day--but I am excited for him to get to hang with his friends whom he doesn't see very often and we will have many weekends in February to celebrate!

I have thought about taking a trip, hanging with friends, throwing a party, renting a party bus, staying home to chill, and going on a meditation retreat. I feel I should be social, get out of the house, I should take a trip, go someplace warm, really whoop up my 39th and kick off my last year in the 30s with a bang. Bottom line I just don't know I am having choice anxiety. Overwhelmed by too much possibility.

I think this frequently happens to us in our lives, we get overwhelmed by decisions with what do next?

First we think about all the options I could go back to school, I could move to Jamaica, I could stay at my current job and ask for a raise, I could move companies and do the same job or I could do nothing. Yep, the possibilities are endless.

Then we think of all the shoulds, I should be making more money, I should be responsible, I should stay where I am for the kids, I should have a Masters Degree, I should study something appropriate and on and on and on...

More often then not we choose the do nothing option. Not because it is what we want necessarily, but because it is less painful. Frequently the wants and the shoulds are contradictory and we can spin and spin and spin on all the options, contradictions and possibilities so we stay put. Doing nothing. Sometimes that is ok. Sometimes the timing is off, we know WHAT we want do but it isn't the right time, we don't have the appropriate funding, we aren't quite ready yet, the kids are too young or we need to do some more research.

The danger comes when we aren't intentional about what's happening. When we stay stuck not because it makes sense but because the battle between the options and the shoulds is too great. When we go back and forth ad nauseum.--as I have been doing on my how to spend my Birthday debate. It isn't that I don't know what I want to do it is that I think I should want something different.

I don't want to have a big ring in the 39th celebration--(like I think I should) I don't want to plan a trip and organize (or pay for) flights, hotels dinners etc (like I think I should). I want and crave a quiet weekend at home--just me and our pets, watching movies, reading books sleeping in and eating yummy food. Is it what I think I should want? No. But that's ok. The minute I was honest with myself the decision came to me as well as the reason why it was so challenging, my shoulds were louder than my wants. So frequently we are stuck because our shoulds are louder than our wants--and when that occurs it is next to impossible to move forward until we are able to be honest with ourselves.

Whether the decision is larger or small, impacting the long term or short---whenever we are listening to the voice of the should we will remain stuck and we most definitely will not be living happier.

What Do You Believe...

2012-01-19T09:52:00.000-05:00

Photo Credit: SweetonVeg

Yesterday I posted about facing some of my own fears when it comes to growing my business. One of the lessons I have learned is you have to know what you are working towards, know what you value and what you believe in. If you don't have this foundation it is a lot more challenging to forge on when things get challenging.

Yesterday, Lynn at Power Chicks wrote a similar post talking about her own fears and how she recently came back to figuring out what she believes as her guiding force. When you can name what you stand for, what you believe, or what you value, you can return to that foundation as the road gets bumpy, curvy and just plain fogged in.

For example, if you believe living a life of integrity is most important, than decisions you make, careers you think about and people you engage with should all support your integrity value. Similarly, if you believe a loving family eats dinner every night, than the priorities you set and the decisions you make all support that belief. Or if you believe responsible people pay their bills on time...you will do everything in your power to make that happen and fulfill that belief.

Our beliefs are like a guiding light, they make us who we are and structure our day to day lives. It is just a rarity that we say them out loud. One of the exercises I have all my clients do is a Values exercise, I have them name their top 5 values and then I have them share how they are living those values in their life and career right now. So frequently the pain and discomfort we feel in our lives is when we aren't congruent with our values. I believe one of the keys to being happier is to align our values with our day to day actions the best we can. Admittedly we can't always do that do to life circumstances, past decisions or the people around us. However, the goal is to start building awareness around what you really believe is important to you and what are the small changes you can implement to make those beliefs congruent with your lifestyle.

So today I ask you to think about and share in the comments (if you are so inclined) What do you believe?

First Hand Wisdom on Facing the Fear Monger

2012-01-18T12:26:00.001-05:00

Thanks to Kevin Shorter

One thing I do consistently is practice what I preach. All the tips, wisdom, insights I post on this blog I try to engage in, in my day to day life . Lately, I have been facing the Fear Monger, building awareness around my internal messages, and going for my dreams. In the spirit of my year of honesty, I am going to share a bit of honesty in my post and a bit of wisdom as well.

Last year was a big year for me, my nearest and dearest moved in, I got engaged, planned a wedding, got married, was there for my in-laws and my husband as my mother in law fought her cancer battle, and also began dealing more seriously with my father's fight with Parkinson's. It was A LOT of stuff--needless to say my business got moved to the back burner. Partially because of all that stuff and partially because to move to the next level I had to face some fears and deal with some demons and quite frankly I just didn't have the energy for that. So I kept my business going status quo, saw clients, blogged here and there and while my business did fine there wasn't any real growth.

At the start of 2012, I decided a couple of things: one I wanted my business to get bigger, I wanted to reach more people, do more writing, speaking, counseling and just generally put myself out there in a bigger way and two I wanted this to be my year of honesty. Frankly, to do number one I believe you have to do number two. So in the past 18 days I have put myself out there more, I have worked on a new bigger business plan, I have written more, posted more, face booked' more, tweeted more, and in general each day I have just showed up and been engaged in my business more. And I have to say it has been hard, challenging exhilarating, energizing, anxiety producing, joyous, and exhausting.

But here are a few insights, lessons I am re-learning and ideas that I have had over the past few weeks:

1.You never feel more alive than when you are pushing your limits. Facing my fears, questioning myself, checking in and asking what I want to do next is nerve wracking and exhilarating. But it feels 1000 times better than living life one foot in one foot out--living in the status quo.

2. You have to have a vision. Each day I return to my overall vision for my business and my life: to help people see the possibility in their lives and to help them live genuine, authentic lives so they live and work happier. Yes, I have to do a lot of other stuff in order to do that--marketing, using social media, networking etc. But doing all the stuff that I don't like is a lot easier when I know why.

3. There isn't always a right way. Yep, I am a bit of a perfectionist--sometimes to the determent of my productivity and of my sanity. I get too caught up in doing it right--and usually there isn't one right way.

4. There is a time to push and a time to rest. I admit I can be a bit too driven--pushing myself too hard and in the process missing the forest for the trees. There are times when I have found myself during 'work hours' forcing myself to be productive and just not feeling it. More often then not when I step a way, take a breathe and concentrate on something else I can come back feeling more productive and committed.

5. Celebrate the little things. When it comes to facing the fear monger, and chartering new territories you can get so focused on the big picture you don't take the time to celebrate the little victories. Some days just coming up with a blog post is a HUGE day for my. Somedays I am a writing and marketing wiz--regardless I am learning to celebrate both days equally.

6. You have to walk before you can run, or more importantly you have to fall before you can walk. Mistakes happen, progress is slow but any time you are putting one foot in front of the other you are moving more towards your authentic life---and that is a win in my book.

What about you? Any lessons you have learned in facing your fears or going after your goals?

Keep Calm and Carry On.

2012-01-17T09:32:00.000-05:00

Keep Calm and Carry On is a phrase you see and hear a lot these days. Ironically it was designed by the British government during World War II to be used to keep up morale in case of a German invasion. Fortunately, they never had to be used. Then randomly, a bookseller found the poster in a box of books he had received at auction and framed it on his wall..from there the sentiment took off.

The idea was in stereotypical British fashion to keep the stiff upper lip and in essence--"never let them see you sweat". I like to think of it as just keep going, one step in front of the other...don't panic, and carry on. Another poster that I have found oddly inspiring says "keep making things idiot". Again similar concept of just keep going, keep putting one step in front of the other. Keep creating, keep making new things, keep growing.

I find comfort in these sayings because I too need the reminder that change is hard. We need to show up every day and put one front of the other, handle the fear, embrace the joy and create. No matter what change you are engaged in: figuring out what you really want to do, looking for a new job, building a business or simply changing a mis-perception you have of yourself. You have to start someone where you have to simply 'keep calm and carry on'. In today's society of instant everything it is so easy to get caught up in instant change, instant success, immediate gratification. But real lasting change, real lasting success takes time...it takes one foot in front of the other. One phone call, one email, one belief, one creation.

In our fast paced world it is easy to get caught up in comparing yourself to other people or 'shoulding' all over yourself. True change, true success comes from staying calm, listening to yourself, and carrying on one foot in front of the other. So today I encourage you when your anxiety fires up or your fear monger's voice becomes louder than your own, remind yourself to simply...keep calm and carry on.

Love Letter to Yourself

2012-01-12T08:43:00.000-05:00

This week I was reminded about one of the practices of one of my favorite speakers/authors Elizabeth Gilbert. When she appeared on the Oprah show discussing her book, Eat Pray Love, she talks about writing a love letter to herself from the perspective of a dear friend (in the spirit of we talk nicer to our dear friends then we do to ourselves). She engaged in this practice when she was feeling particularly anxious and stressed, specifically during her divorce.

First off, a small rant that when I am feeling anxious and stressed and I stop and breathe and say out loud the messages that I am hammering myself with I am constantly amazed!! If we don't stop and breathe and listen, Fear Monger messages just play there on and on like our own personal negative record player (or iPod if I am going to be hip). When they go unchecked they are brutal and relentless and can do serious damage to our goals, dreams and passions. They keep us safely stuck. And 99% of the time they are based in nothing, irrational beliefs that are there to protect me against old wounds (many that have since been healed) and past tapes of relationships long gone. So regardless of engaging in the letter writing, pay attention to when you are feeling particularly anxious, unfocused, angry and notice what is quietly playing there. End of rant.

So writing a letter to yourself. I admit it sounds hokey and I also admit I have given this assignment to clients only to be met with a blank stare or a "yeah, great idea" knowing they will never complete it. But it is an amazing exercise in self love. To talk to yourself in the voice of a friend is so foreign to us and so welcomed. When we are going through transition, feeling stuck and scared, the fear mongers can be relentless. So it is important to remind ourselves in a loving caring voice that yes, it will be ok, you are a lot stronger than you think, you are a dynamic caring insightful human being. I know for me when I am feeling particularly scared and the fear monger is taking up WAY too much space in my mind I will pull out a piece of paper and on one side write everything the fear monger is saying just to get it out of my mind and on to a piece of paper just to see what I am mindlessly thinking and then on the other side of the paper I will write what a dear friend would say to me. I write a few sentences or a long letter. I write loving, caring supportive words. I remind myself that no I am not all the things my fear monger is telling me and yes I am capable of more than I ever thought possible.

So today I encourage you to write a love letter to yourself. Even if the fear monger isn't coming living rent free in your head...write it any way we always need to give ourselves more love and appreciation.

Stop Apologizing

2012-01-11T12:15:00.000-05:00

Photo Credit: P-A-T-R-I-C-K

What I love most about my job is the "ah ha" moments I get from my clients. Recently a client was lamenting to me about how often she apologizes for herself. She had realized the frequency in which she apologizes for innate parts of personality--most annoying, the parts of her personality she really enjoys!! As I sat there listening to her voice her frustration, I thought, to myself, she is not alone...we all apologize way too often for way too much.

Now for the record, I am not talking about apologizing when you do something hurtful or say something inappropriate. I am talking about apologizing for your mere existence on the planet. Apologizing for the fact that you understood something easier, jumped a few steps faster than a co-worker or even streamlined a project with ease. Somewhere along the line we were taught to apologize for our gifts--apologize for the traits that make us unique or different.

It has become the new norm in polite society to apologize for having an opinion, perspective or solution that is different. It is ironic because on one hand we celebrate our differences and that no two people are alike and on the other hand we spend my of our time conforming to make sure no one gets uncomfortable.

The problem, as my client was lamenting, is that apologizing for ourselves keeps us stuck. When we say "I'm sorry" for every difference, every little thing we keeping our unique gifts from begin shown to the world. In making sure everyone is comfortable and safe we aren't growing and changing as a person or as a community.

It is almost laughable when you think about the things we apologize for...in paying attention to myself I apologize for being too insightful, or too 'therapisty' or even too sensitive to others needs. All of these traits are aspects of myself I like about myself. They are traits that not every one has and admittedly traits that can be overwhelming...but not traits that I need to be ashamed of or sorry about. They are traits that make me who I am.

When I look at the people who inspire me they are putting themselves out there, unabashedly sharing their ideas and opinions.

What about you? What do you find yourself apologizing for?

Dyana Valentine, recently did a talk at Tedx on this topic called I'm Not Sorry . Check it out!

A Call To Stop Dog-Earing

2012-01-10T08:15:00.001-05:00

Thanks Angusf's for the perfect photo!

This weekend during coffee o'clock, my nearest and dearest turned to me and said, "you know I was thinking last night, real change has to start with more than just turning down the corners of a magazine"

I looked at him inquisitively and he went on to say, "you know how people mark catalogs with stuff they want by turning down the corners of the page...well real change requires more than just having an interest in the subject."

The insight reminded me of a conversation I had with a friend of mine last week. I was telling her about a book that I had just found which I thought might be helpful to her---I asked if she had heard of it and she replied, "yep, actually I bet it is sitting on the book shelf over there" We both laughed, knowingly. One of our many inside jokes is the number of books and resources we have purchased and never read. This use to be a HUGE problem for myself--I could have purchased stock in Amazon. Anytime I had an inkling to learn something new or start a new adventure I would go out and buy a book (ok, maybe 2-3 books) and then they would come and I MIGHT crack them open and skim them or I might just put them on the book shelf telling myself I would read them 'at a later time', but never actually getting around to it.

Finally, a few years ago I had a little 'come to Jesus' moment as I call it and realized not only was I wasting a lot of money but there was a deeper problem going on. I was taking the safe road, making the easy move...looking for the resource, doing the research but not really making any real changes. I was kidding myself that I was going to learn photography, color mandalas, or train my dog...the list can go on and on.

So often we buy a book or take a class thinking we will be changed in just in the purchase alone. But change is greater then a purchase, greater than even reading the book. Change is consistent process of action. Sometimes that action, moves us forward, sometimes it moves us backward, sometimes it is learning how to just be. But it is an action. Change requires pushing our comfort zone paying attention to when we get uncomfortable. Change requires awareness of how we feel when we pick up a book or walk into a class to learn something new. Without this awareness we unknowingly put up roadblocks and passively prevent change. So maybe we need to pick up the book and do a quick skim, maybe we need to just read chapters 1-5 and let it percolate, maybe we need to just dive in and embrace the fear and learn something new.

The point is it is time to stop dog-earing our way through life!!! All those years I have been just 'dog-earing' the page of the things I want to change and learn. What ideas have you been just dog-earing in your own life?

*** Have to give a special shout out to my nearest and dearest for the blog inspiration--don't know what I would do without you!

2012 My Year of Honesty

2012-01-05T09:23:00.001-05:00

Thanks to Cynthia for the pic!

In the blogosphere (i.e. the world o'blogs) it has become trendy and hip to determine your theme or word of the year. Actually, my friend and colleague Michelle Barry Franco has been doing this for years. The concept is that each year rather than a resolution or intention you have an over arching theme that you want to work on or work towards. I admit I have hesitated to participate--mostly because it has become trendy and hip and I didn't want to be 'yet another person jumping on this band wagon'. After years of observing I have watched my friend Michelle really get something out of this idea of a theme. So this year, after writing my intentions the thought keeps popping into my head about my year theme and what that means.

I like the concept of a theme because it fits into so many areas of our lives. We can have the theme of family, health, joy, laughter or relationships and from those themes can come many different intentions. So if your theme is health you could have the intention from quitting smoking to taking 5 minutes a day to meditate. If family is your theme you could have anything from learn your roots and work on your genealogy to spend more time with your immediate family. The possibilities are really endless.

So what is my theme you might ask? After much debate and thought...I kept coming back to words like genuine, congruency, authenticity and truth. Words that had the theme of honesty. So I decided my theme would be honesty. To be honest (ha!) I was surprised that this was the word that resonated the most, because I value truth, I am a trustworthy person. However, honesty fits for me, in this time, for this year. To be honest, I have a tendency (as we all do..but I have a skill at it) of burying my head in the sand and heading into denial. Yes, I believe denial is there for a reason to protect us from the pain of life, but I want to be more honest as to how long I stay in the denial phase of pain management!! I want to be more honest with myself in what I really want out of my life, and my business I want to be more honest in my relationships in what I need and how I feel. I want to be more honest in what is happening around me, and the actions I need to take.

There you have it.. me sharing (and honestly feeling quite vulnerable about it) my 2012 theme of Honesty. What themes resonate with you? What words peak your interest for the year 2012 or even just for the month of January? Feel free to share in the comments.

The Beauty of the Reframe

2012-01-04T10:31:00.000-05:00

My nearest and dearest and I have a wonderful little schedule I get up early and do my morning routine, have my coffee, read the paper and ease into my day. Then usually I get an hour or so of work in before he makes his way downstairs to begin his day. Occasionally he will surprise me by waking up with me and shaking up my morning routine. This morning was one of those mornings, and my ability to shift and change wasn't quite there. I love my husband, I love spending time with him AND I love my morning routine. So I confess I was a little discombobulated this morning.

Then randomly, I looked over and I say my nearest and dearest sitting on the couch, coffee in hand with our cat, Pooh stretched out beside him, both looking so cute and comfortable. And I thought to myself, wow how lucky are you, to have a husband who wants to get up with you and start the day with you, who wants to hear about your life, who supports you and loves you. He just woke up early and was excited to have coffee with me, he wasn't trying to 'get in my way' or 'mess up my morning routine' he was just being my wonderfully impulsive, no particular routine nearest and dearest. I admit, I got a little teary with gratitude, and a little ashamed of my original discombobulation. But after that reframing, I walked over and gave my husband a kiss and went on with my day...feeling gratitude.

Reframing: Seeing a situation through another lens, from another angle. One of the keys to living and working happier is reframing. Unfortunately, reframing doesn't always come that easily...it takes a little intention, and awareness. Reframing requires us to be aware that we are upset, angry or annoyed and then it requires us to intentionally look at the situation from another person's lens. When we are open to seeing a situation differently, open to letting go of our annoyance, open to a new perspective, situations become easier, relationships become better and life becomes happier.

Too often it is just requires too much effort to reframe. Quite honestly, we just want to be pissy. Too much resentment or anger has built up and a simple reframe just seems impossible. It is when we reach this point that reframing seems impossible that we need to reframe all the more...that anger and resentment is only hurting us. It is making us miserable, sucking our energy and hindering our ability to be happier.

I guarantee if you can slowly start chipping away at that negativity, slowly start seeing the world from a different lens, the picture becomes brighter and the frame becomes prettier.

Turning Wishes into Intentions.

2012-01-03T14:00:00.000-05:00

Thanks to thoseshortbangs

Happy New Year! Welcome to 2012. I am very excited about the new year, feeling the renewed energy of possibility and freshness. Some of you may know that I am a not a big fan of resolutions. Largely because resolutions become more of a chance to beat up on ourselves when we don't do them correctly, rather than a chance for us to give ourselves a little self love and self reflection. All change is incremental...and resolutions are no different. We will fail at the detoxing from sugar (as I am trying to do right now), we will not get to the gym every day, we will have a cigarette...the point is to not get stuck in the failure but to remember it is a process and to know that mistakes are all part of the process.

That said, I left 2011 by having us complete our 2011 Wish List. It was a two folded exercise. First, it was a fun way to look at our lives and just dream...dream big...without judgment or criticism. Second, I thought it would be a helpful jumping off point for seeing what changes, additions, hopes we had for 2012. The wish list is the dream of all dreams..it is the core of what I believe will help me Work Happier and Live Happier. The wish list is constantly ebbing and changing but it the wishes I wrote down took some time and some thought...so they are an insight into what really matters to me. They touch on my values, my beliefs and the people and things that are most important in my life. I am going to use my wish list as a example for what I am talking about.

My 2011 Wish List

A Cure for Parkinson's Disease, Cancer and Epilepsy--
Continued Good Health for myself:
The Ability to Eat WHATEVER and Not Hurt my Health.
Compassion.
Travel.
My own private jet and someone to take care of it and fly it.
A Maid.
New Sheets Every 6 months.
Consistent Supply of Quality Books.
Intentional Living.

Example of My 2012 Intentions

To take the time to spend with the people in my life who have been touched with Parkinson's, Cancer and Epilepsy. To be empathetic to their illnesses and to support and love them as best I can.
To take care of myself as best as possible... I already work out daily, and eat pretty healthfully but I want to become more intentional around meditation, relaxation and boundaries.
Unfortunately I can't eat whatever I want (BIG DREAM) but I CAN be intentional about what I eat and when. So when I do treat myself to a piece of cake to really enjoy that cake each and every sinful bite.
I want to practice more self compassion and give myself a break from time to time.
Travel is always a priority for me...figuring out how to keep travel into my every increasingly busy life.
Own jet plane--not going to happen for a VERY long time---but it is is still a dream.
A Maid is long term goal...in the mean time I can find fun ways to make cleaning the house more enjoyable.
New Sheets every 6 months---again an impossibility---but I can (and usually do) make an effort to put clean, fresh sheets on the bed frequently and acknowledge that warm wonderful feeling of crawling into a freshly made bed.
I have already started making reading more of a priority..shutting of the TV and opening up my book is a good start.
Intentional living is something I do each and every day of my life. Fortunately I approach this year with renewed energy to help spread the message and power in living intentionally with as many people who will listen to me!!

So there you have it--for the record I am not implementing all of these intentions today! These are intentions for the next year--and currently I am actively working on 2-3 of them. They are all powerful and important to me in their own way (after all they came from my Wish List) but it is impossible to make that much change at one time. For the sake of example, I wanted to give you as many options as possible in transferring your wish list into an intention list. Clearly, not all your wishes can become intentions (that is the beauty of having big dreams). Many of them can be tweaked in some small way to help us implement ways to do what makes our heart sing!!

As always, please feel free to share your 2012 intentions in the comment section.

My 2011 Wish List

2011-12-15T13:06:00.001-05:00

Photo Credit: stevendepolo

So earlier this week I posted about Creating Your Wish List. I talked about getting in the Holiday Spirit (no matter what your tradition, this time of year for most of us is a time of miracles, magic and wonder) and writing down all the items you wish for right now. Practical, impractical, physical or imaginary. The key is to write them down.

I have to admit this was a more challenging and more fun task than I thought it would be. I have spent a lot of time thinking on what I would want, pondering my list in the shower, in the car and even yesterday as I was getting a massage. It has been a rewarding assignment--a way to look at my life differently--to stop myself from saying "no you can't have that" to allowing myself to just dream.

So here it goes:

A Cure for Parkinson's Disease, Cancer and Epilepsy--3 conditions that have changed the lives of myself and those close to me.
Continued Good Health for myself: This year has made me appreciate my health more than any other year and I wish that it continue.
The Ability to Eat WHATEVER and Not Hurt my Health. I love food. In order for me to maintain my weight and my health, I need to monitor my food intake and quite honestly...it gets old.
Compassion. I think compassion would solve a lot of the world's ills. It is the key to peace, happiness and joy. If I could have a little more self compassion my life would be a better place. If everyone could have a little more compassion for themselves and their fellow man, the world would be a better place.
Travel. I have traveled a lot in my life but there is a lot more I want to see: Australia, New Zealand, Fiji, Brazil, Ireland (just to name a few).
My own private jet and someone to take care of it and fly it. To get to above places a lot easier.
A Maid. I hate cleaning my house--so to have someone take care of that for me---would be awesome.
New Sheets Every 6 months. Nothing is as amazing as new sheets.
Consistent Supply of Quality Books. I love reading, but have a hard time finding good books so to have that supplied to me would be wonderful!
Intentional Living. I wish everyone had the chance to live a life that is intentional. If everyone could life with intention, we would all be taking steps to live and work happier.

Now it's your turn, as my nearest and dearest said...Nancy's North Pole is open...time to share your wishes and dreams. What do you have on your Wish List (remember it can be 2 items or 2000 items)

As someone who doesn't always write stuff down and take time to fully engage in activities such as this one---I REALLY encourage you to take some time, think it over and commit it to paper. Feel free to share some (or all of your) wishes below in the comments, I would love to hear what you are wishing for this year.

This is my last post of 2011---I am going to take the next 2 weeks off from blogging to spend time with family and friends and enjoy the holiday season. I hope you have a wonderful holiday whatever your traditions might be!! See you in 2012.

Assignment: Creating your Wish List

2011-12-13T14:00:00.000-05:00

I remember it like it was yesterday, entering Santa Land at the Downtown Lazarus store in Columbus. It was a HUGE deal to go to the 'big city' and enter the fancy department store only to be transported to magical Santa Land. I remember waiting patiently (although I probably wasn't very patient) and finally having my turn on Santa's lap. After much deliberation and pondering I hopped up on Santa's lap and told him my wish list, smiled for the camera and assured him I had been good. And then just like that it was over. I remember feeling so at peace, so joyful that everything was going to be fine, I would get my gift of choice because I had talked with the 'big man' himself.

It always is interesting to ask people about their Santa Stories...inevitably they will be transported back in time and will describe in full detail a Santa Experience that is near and dear to their hearts. As I was thinking today about my own Santa Story--I was thinking about my wish list. The amount of time and care I spent on that list, thinking about what I wanted, perusing through catalogs and generally just taking time for myself to figure out what would be the best gift. How rarely we do that today, I seldom think about what I want for Christmas. Much by my design, gift giving has become more the norm in my world. But when you think about the concept of a magical wish list, offering that up to someone who seems larger than life and believing that he will produce it...it is a little freeing, a little magical, a little fun.

So where am I going with all this Santa talk?!!? Well... I think this year we should make our own Wish List. Think about your life right now...what would you wish for...you could have anything in the world...what would it be?? Just Believe.

The assignment is: over the next few days we are going to take the occasional break from our 'adult' world, tap into the wonder and amazement of childhood and we are going to make a Wish List. A list of all the things you want for your life from the practical, (a new stove) to the ridiculous (a trip around the world) and everything in between. I want you to really take some time to dream, imagine and believe. Think about changes you would want in your life, additions you would make, and things you could do without. Maybe your contains stuff you could buy in a store, or make by hand or it is just ideas. Your list can have 2 items or 200...it doesn't matter. The point is to tap into spirit of magic that is in this season and see what your heart can imagine.

Over the next few days I will share my list and maybe you can share yours too..but for now just ponder...what if I could wish for anything what would I wish for?

No matter what your December tradition and most of them include a story around miracles, magic, wishes, and fresh starts.

The Moments of And

2011-12-01T13:56:00.001-05:00

AND, it is such a lovely word, all encompassing, inclusive. Over the past couple of years, I have changed the way I talk to include AND more often. I love you AND I am hurt that you didn't call. I am unhappy in my career AND I know it pays the bills.

In using AND more often I believe we open ourselves up to the possibilities of both. I have also noticed, that as humans we don't like holding both, the messy place of I want to go back to grad school AND I am scared to death of that change. Is hard.

We want things to be packaged neat and tidy. We want to believe that once I make a change or once I make a decision, the hard part is over. Unfortunately, not my friend, that is when the messy begins. Moments of AND happen all the time in our lives.

I need to get some work done AND I need to catch up on my sleep.
I need to workout AND I am behind on work.
I am sad about the break up AND I know it was the best thing for me.
I want to figure out what comes next in my life AND I am totally exhausted right now.
I am happy about all the changes in my life AND change is stressful.

We have AND's all the time. Holding them both is the challenge. Because bottom line it is hard to feel two contradictory emotions at one time!! AND the more awareness we can bring to how often those moments happen in our lives, the more space we give to both truths, the more we can allow emotions to surface, the happier we will be

In my opinion, true growth comes in the Moments of And. When we learn how to recognize the beauty in both. When we are start getting comfortable with the messy. When we begin to make space for two completely separate truths that is when we start to see life for what it truly is: a fun, challenging, exhilarating, exhausting, joyous. terrifying ride!!

What are some of the Moments of And in your life??

The Danger of Comparison

2011-11-29T14:47:00.000-05:00

Let's say you are struggling to make a life decision--you have been debating it for awhile and you just can't figure it out. So you decide you need to do some research, figure out the best way, the right answer, see what other people are doing. You get on the internet or you ask those around you, Have you ever experienced _____ ? or What would you do if you were me...? And before you know it you are inundated with advice, insight, information. Your head starts spinning, you've lost all perspective on what YOU want and you find yourself stuck, no closer to a decision and more confused with what is the right path.

I confess, I am guilty of the above, looking outside of myself for the RIGHT way, comparing myself to other's to see if I am ok or if I am 'normal'. To some extent this is human, we all want to fit in, we need other people to help us, we need the guidance of people who have been their before or know us well. And to some extent, this is self sabotage. When comparing ourselves to other people, or looking to others for advice makes us feel bad about ourselves, incompetent, insecure or feeling like we are doing it 'wrong' then we have crossed into the danger zone of comparison. There is always someone out there who is doing it different, better, smoother, easier, and with more finesse. But there is only one YOU...there is only one person who has your unique set of needs, skills, life circumstances, gifts and challenges. So yes, we can go out into the world to see what others have done or are doing, but we always need to bring that information in and check it with our own unique situation.

Too often I get on-line to see what other coaches and counselors are doing, or I look at my friends to see the 'proper' way to handle a certain situation. I know when I am doing this too much I lose sight of what I want, of what makes me passionate about my business or what makes me unique in how I handle situations. The point is there is no right. Yes, it is always helpful to seek advice, gather information from those that have gone before us, but when that information gathering starts chipping away at your self esteem or drilling down your dreams then it is time to stop and ask yourself--why am I needing more advice? What is it I am really needing here?

Frequently we are needing a little support, a little compassion, a little gut check to remind us of who we are and what we value. So the next time you catch yourself looking for advice or input...make sure input is what you need and you aren't getting too caught up in Comparison Danger. Because honestly all comparing does is keeps us from moving forward towards a happier life.

Celebration and Sorrow

2011-11-16T14:20:00.001-05:00

I apologize, for going missing recently. Sadly over the weekend, my mother-in-law died after a 19 month fight with pancreatic cancer. She lived longer then most do with such a cruel and despicable diagnosis. Fortunately those 19 months were filled with family and friends, she was able to see her 4th grandchild be born and her youngest son get married--all of which we didn't believe she would see when she was first diagnosed in early 2010.

Since yesterday I have been honestly wondering what to write here...what can I say in the midst of such loss and sorrow? Right now, It doesn't feel like I am living happier. However, if there is one thing I know for sure, loss and sorrow are just as much a part of living happier as joy and celebration.

I am struck by the wide range of emotions that have been experienced over the past few days. Relief that her suffering is over, Joy for those that believe she is gone on to a better place, Sadness for us left behind and will miss her, Reflection on our own lives and how death effects us all, Anxiety around the change that this loss brings and Celebration of an amazing woman who lived a giving and generous life. All those swirling emotions, each of them raw and stinging. And that is life. Life is messy.

Life is filled with holding both...the celebration and the sorrow. So while I may not feel happier now, honoring my mother-in-law's life, supporting my nearest and dearest, crying with my own pain...all of these will help me live a richer more happier life.

Today I encourage you to kiss your loved ones, celebrate the joys in your life and cry over the sorrows. Life is short and I believe the key to living happier is to fill it with as much authenticity as possible.

Little Things

2011-11-03T08:55:00.002-04:00

Thanks to Lindsey Mead and Ali Moore for the great reminder that the joys of life come in the little things.

Kissing my nearest and dearest on the cheek before I crawl out of bed and hearing a sleepy "i love you" coming through the darkness.

The game my cat and I play each morning as she insists on having the bathroom door open and I insist on keeping it closed--guess who always wins.

Greeting my dog each morning--sometimes she is standing at the bottom of the stairs waiting for me...sometimes she hasn't woken up yet and I find her curled up all warm and snuggly in her bed.

That first cup of coffee.

Feeling the crisp cold air on my face as I reach out to get the paper.

Catching a glimpse of the sunrise while standing on the heating vent.

The hug my nearest and dearest gives me after he gets up.

Knowing Friday mornings are my mornings to sleep in--ah! no alarm.

Those are just my little things since waking up this am---just in the past 90 minutes I found 8 legitimate parts of my life I am thankful for!! I have to say it was an amazingly fun experience to look back on my morning and see the little fun things that make up my day.

Try it---throughout the day pick a random time and look back and name all the little things you are thankful for--maybe there will be 2 maybe 22. Regardless I believe it is a fun experiment to see our lives from a minuscule perspective from time to time to see what we have and are thankful for. Rather than constantly striving for the big picture and looking at what we lack.

Enjoy this wonderful experiment and as always feel free to share in the comments!!

What If There is No Right Answer?

2011-11-02T08:10:00.000-04:00

Get it...no right?--ha!!

Lately I have been struggling with the same phrase over and over in my brain. You have to 'do it right'. This applies in so many areas of my life---doing it right in my career, doing it right in my marriage, doing it right with my friends even doing it right when it comes to every day life activities. As I began to recognize the pattern the incidences and examples were endless.

One of the biggest examples for me was on our vacation in September. We were staying in a secluded B&B on San Juan Island in Washington state. It was a gorgeous sunny day, low 70s blue sky that went on for miles. My nearest and dearest was taking a nap and I was reading my book while lying in the hammock (Something I LOVE to do) after about an hour--I was kind of done, it was getting cold and I wanted to check on my nearest and dearest and figure out dinner. But as I lay there I thought

"no, you can't get up...you are on vacation...you LOVE lying in the hammock...you NEVER get to do this...you need to be ENJOYING this moment..you can't go INSIDE it's beautiful out here".

As I started to pay attention to my stream of consciousness i was struck by the demands in my head!! I WAS on vacation so if I wanted to sit on our couch in our room all day I could--there was no RIGHT answer.

And so I asked myself, "what if there is no right answer?" and for a minute I was dumb struck--yes actually paralyzed by that fact---what if there is no right answer???? What a freeing thought!!!

Since that trip I have been catching myself frequently looking for the 'right answer'. Trying to catch myself when I start down the path of looking for the 'right way' and what I 'should be doing'. It is such a freeing moment when I realize there isn't a right way!! I have been using this with my clients too--simply asking them what if there wasn't a 'right answer'? They have a similar reaction to me in the hammock--dumb struck and amazed and then they get a little grin on their faces. A knowing 'aha', a sense of relief that there really is no right answer. Most of the time there is what we choose.

Yes someone, somewhere probably would give us their right answer, and make it sound like our right answer. Most likely that is where the 'this is the right answer' voices come from...all the knowing voices we have internalized.

So I challenge you, the next time you start coming up with excuses "I can't do that...what would so-and-so think...you should do (fill-in the blank). Smile, take a deep breath and ask yourself 'what if there is no right answer?' and then wait to see what comes up.

7 Ways to Make Your Heart Sing

2011-11-01T08:43:00.002-04:00

Over the past couple of weeks I have written about the 7 Ways to Find the Work that Makes Your Heart Sing. Today I just wanted to summarize each of the keys areas I talked about in one concise blog post--Enjoy!

Get Out of Your Rut. Shake it up! Get out of your day to day patterns and try something different. Because too frequently we get so stuck in the schedule and the pattern we forget what it is that we really love...what really matters to us...what we are passionate about. We get trapped in the to dos, the obligations, meeting other people's needs and expectations we forget to look at our own heart and passions.  Changing it up reminds us of what if feels like to take risks, to spontaneously laugh, to the ideas and people that bring us passion and make our heart sing!!!

Treat Your Life Like a Mystery Novel: In order to figure out what makes your heart sing--you need to start viewing your life as a great mystery that needs to be unraveled and explored. You need to get curious about your own life. Start investigating, start exploring, start unraveling you. As you go through your day--pay attention, do some investigating. Dig deep, ask one question then ask another and pay attention to the themes and patterns that come up for you.

Have ~~a Little~~ A LOT of Self Compassion. As you go through this process...stuff comes up, (and by stuff I mean: dreams, ideas, thoughts, plans) maybe it is stuff you have forgotten about, maybe it is stuff you convinced yourself was wrong, maybe it is stuff you just never even thought of. Starting now we are going to great those ideas with self compassion and love. Take notes, write it down, pay attention to what comes up for you. What ideas, thoughts, plans are the scariest? What are the most ridiculous, which ones have you built the most excuses around (those are all usually signs that you are on to something!!)

Get Creative: Merging Your Dreams with Your Reality Up to this point you have been dreaming big, looking at your life in new and different ways, figuring out what you value, what you love, what makes you tick. Now we are going to merge those dreams with the reality of your life, your family, partner, kids, bills, mortgage etc. Remember, just because you don't have the time, energy or resources RIGHT NOW for your dream, doesn't mean you have to give up or are destined to live a life not having your heart sing. You can merge both ideas--you just need to get a little creative!!

Face the Fear Throughout this process of finding the work that makes your heart sing. Fear will come up--I believe we each have a Fear Monger inside of us. A part of us who's job it is to protect us, keep us safe and minimize risks. Pay attention to the message she/he tends to send and when he/she tends to come out the most. The fear monger is clever and tends to pop up in a variety of ways speaking to our value system, "you can't do that it will take too much time away from the kids"; "you can't go back to school, what about the money?"  Dealing with fear is a process, when we know our big picture (why we want to get out of our comfort zone), and our action steps we can bless our Fear Monger along the way and live happier lives.

You Can't Do it Alone. Bottom line you need other people to help you achieve the work that makes your heart sing. You need support, connection, and contacts.  Reaching out to people, sharing our dreams, fears, and needs is challenging. So take baby steps, open up a little at a time--start with the 'safe' people you can trust with your dreams: friends, partners, family. Then slowly start expanding your group to acquaintances, friends of friends, people in the community. Pick one person and share your dreams, share what you need. Ask.

Rinse and Repeat: This is a Process Unfortunately, it is not a plug-and-play game where you punch in your skills, interests, values and out comes your ideal work. Because we are human, we are complex and emotional. This is your life, which is an on-going, constantly changing, entity. So finding that work that makes your heart sing, is challenging, exhausting and can be down right hard. AND it is exhilarating, life altering, and game changing. Doing the work that makes your heart sing is why we are here. Figuring out how to live the best life possible, how to share your gifts and life from your heart is, in my opinion, the point.

I can guarantee, if you live your life from the concept that finding the work that makes your heart sing is an process of these 7 ideas on repeat you will LIVE AND WORK HAPPIER.

So there you have it---my 7 ways. Let me know what your think...send me an e-mail at nancy@nancyjanesmith.com or just leave a comment below!!

Rinse and Repeat: This is a Process

2011-10-27T09:09:00.000-04:00

This is it--the last in my 7 part series on How to Find the Work that Makes your Heart Sing. If you have missed them or if you just want a refresher--the first 6 ways (in no particular order) to find the work that makes your heart sing are here:

Busting Out of Your Rut

Treating Your Life Like a Mystery Novel

Having A LOT of Self Compassion
Getting Creative
Facing your Fear
You Can't Do it Alone.

The 7th tip is Rinse and Repeat

This is a process. Unfortunately, it is not a plug-and-play game where you punch in your skills, interests, values and out comes your ideal work. It is not follow these 7 rules and I guarantee you will figure out your ideal work. Because we are human, we are complex and emotional. We have doubts, fears, insecurities, and rooted belief systems that keep us questioning and stuck. We have kids, bills, sick parents and a myriad of responsibilities.

This is your life, which is an on-going, constantly changing, entity. So finding that work that makes your heart sing, is challenging, exhausting and can be down right hard. AND it is exhilarating, life altering, and game changing. Doing the work that makes your heart sing is why we are here. Figuring out how to life the best life possible, how to share your gifts and life from your heart is, in my opinion, the point.

I confess I hesitated to put this in as one of the 7 because I want to be able to say it is easy, I want to offer the plug and play game. However, I KNOW from my personal experience and from watching my clients there is no magic pill, or easy solution. This is an on-going process of spiraling up and checking back in.

Even this week, I sat in the back yard with my nearest and dearest as he worked in the yard chatting with him about my work, re-evaluating, checking-in with myself and what makes my heart sing. I was checking in with myself, because my life circumstances have changed, my values are different, I have grown...so to has my work.

I can guarantee, if you live your life from the concept that finding the work that makes your heart sing is an process of these 7 ideas on repeat you will LIVE AND WORK HAPPIER.

So there you have it---my 7 ways. Let me know what your think...send me an e-mail at nancy@nancyjanesmith.com or just leave a comment below!!

You Can't Do it Alone

2011-10-26T09:05:00.000-04:00

Today we are on Number 6 of my 7 part series on How to Find the Work that Makes your Heart Sing--the second to last tip.

So far you have learned about :

Busting Out of Your Rut

Treating Your Life Like a Mystery Novel

Having A LOT of Self Compassion
Getting Creative
Facing your Fear

Today's tip is You Can't Do it Alone.

Bottom line you need other people to help you achieve the work that makes your heart sing. You need support, connection, and contacts.

You need people who...

debate ideas with you.
challenge you.
support you no matter what.
make you laugh.
give you new ideas.
think outside of the box.
are practical.
have great connections.
know where the jobs, resources, next steps are.

You might have a different person for each role or you might have one or two people that fit each quality. The point is you NEED these people to help you get to the place where you are Working and Living Happier. Without people we are just isolated in our goal.

I have found, hands down, this is one of the hardest tips to follow for my clients (and myself!). Reaching out to people, sharing our dreams, fears, and needs is challenging. So take baby steps, open up a little at a time--start with the 'safe' people you can trust with your dreams: friends, partners, family. Then slowly start expanding your group to acquaintances, friends of friends, people in the community. I know most people love to help, they love to support people in following their dreams and when you find someone who doesn't...move on, quickly!!

So reach out, take a risk. Today, pick one person and share your dreams, share what you need. Ask.

Face the Fear

2011-10-25T13:47:00.005-04:00

Today we are on Number 5 of my 7 part series on How to Find the Work that Makes your Heart Sing--we are over half way there!!

So far you have learned about :

Busting Out of Your Rut

Treating Your Life Like a Detective Novel

Having A LOT of Self Compassion

Getting Creative

Today's Number 5 is:
Face the Fear

Throughout this process of finding the work that makes your heart sing. Fear will come up--I believe we each have a Fear Monger inside of us. A part of us who's job it is to protect us, keep us safe and minimize risks. I call it the Fear Monger--because a monger's job according to the World English Dictionary is a promoter of something unpleasant--this part of our personality has the job of promoting fear for a variety of reasons, safety, security, minimizing risk and protection. But I believe one of our rights as humans is to face this fear...make changes...risk in a variety of ways and bust out of our ruts. If we don't risk, change, grow and dare to look at life differently--what's the point?

So we all have A Fear Monger. And the fear monger is clever, it pops up in a variety of ways, usually speaking to our value system or what we love the most.

Step One: Start recognizing your Fear Monger. Give her/him a name a face--it can be extremely creative or something as simple as Scared Nancy (bet you couldn't guess, that's mine ). I will encourage clients to draw a picture, or write a description of what their fear monger looks like and/or sounds like.

Pay attention to the message she/he tends to send and when he/she tends to come out the most. The fear monger is clever and tends to pop up in a variety of ways speaking to our value system, "you can't do that it will take too much time away from the kids"; "you can't go back to school, what about the money?"

Build awareness around how you react to the fear monger, do you eat, watch TV, become agitated, pick a fight or just give up.

Step Two: Once you recognize the Fear Monger has been playing your head acknowledge it, actually bless it. Frequently I will say, "thank you 'scared Nancy' I appreciate your fear but I got this one. I can handle this and I want to move forward". I know that sounds crazy--but trust me it works. It is as if acknowledging this very real part of us allows her to relax--she feels heard and she can then settle down.

Physically make some shifts in your body as you acknowledge the fear monger--place your hand over your heart as you bless it, get up and walk it out of the room, hold your hand up to say stop, thanks but no thanks. Adding a physical movement makes a more real change.

This is a process, at first you might not recognize your Fear Monger has been talking until you are in the midst of an argument with your spouse. The more you practice, the quicker you will catch The Fear Monger in the moment. Eventually you will catch him/her as they are chatting away their negative propaganda and you will be able to bless them and move on in the moment.

Step Three: Know your big picture and take small steps The Fear Monger is there to help us from getting hurt. He/she is a real part of us, just a scared fearful part. So in order to keep her fear messages to a minimum, you need to have a two fold process:

First know your big picture. Know what you are going after: more time with your family, more fulfillment, more happiness, more vacation time, etc.

Then begin to break it down into small steps. Maybe you are wanting to explore going back to school. It doesn't mean you have to quit your job and go back to school next quarter. You can start with small steps: researching schools, gathering application materials, making a plan for finances, and taking entrance exams if necessary.

I know from experience, when we know why we are pushing ourselves out of our comfort zone (big picture) and then able to take action steps (small steps), blessing our Fear Monger along the way we will be able to live happier lives.

Here are some other posts I have written on Fear:

Facing our Demons

An Interview with Tara Sophia Mohr

A Lesson in Facing My Fear Monger

The Suffering of Fear

Get Creative: Merging Your Dreams with Your Reality

2011-10-20T08:18:00.000-04:00

Happy Thursday! Today marks the 4th day of my 7 part series on How to Find the Work that Makes your Heart Sing--we are over half way there!!

So far you have:
Busted Out of Your Rut
Treated Your Life Like a Detective Novel
Had A LOT of Self Compassion

Today's tip is:

Get Creative: Merging Your Dreams with Your Reality

I have to admit, at first I was going to call this tip Get Practical but then I decided that was too much of a downer AND what I really meant is for us to Get Creative about our lives. Up to this point you have been dreaming big, looking at your life in new and different ways, figuring out what you value, what you love, what makes you tick and then bringing a lot of self compassion and openness around those ideas. Today we are going to merge those dreams with the reality of your life.

For example, maybe you decide you love nursing and you really want to go back to school and become a nurse. But you also have 3 children and a spouse, plus a mortgage, car payment and monthly bills. You need to keep your full time job to help support your family, full time nursing school is not an option. But part time is...maybe even 1-2 classes a semester, maybe you can even take them on-line. Maybe you just don't have the time, energy or finances for 1-2 classes; so you could volunteer at the hospital or assisted care facility on Saturdays--maybe if your children are old enough you could bring them along. Or you could start reading books about the medical profession, learning as much as possible about the subject.

My point being....just because you don't have the time, energy or resources RIGHT NOW for your dream, doesn't mean you have to give up or are destined to live a life not having your heart sing. You can merge both ideas--you just need to get a little creative!!

What do you think...how is this process for you. I would love to hear so feel free to comment below or or send me an e-mail at nancy@nancyjanesmith.com

Have A LOT of Self Compassion.

2011-10-19T08:32:00.003-04:00

Photo Credit: vvonstruen

Today is day 3 in my series: The 7 Ways to Find the Work that Makes Your Heart Sing. Yesterday in #2, I talked about Treating Your Life Like A Mystery Novel and really getting curious about what makes your tick.

Today follows nicely with Number 2 (although these are in no particular order). The 3rd tip is:

Have ~~a Little~~ A LOT of Self Compassion.

In fact without number 3, number 2 is pretty useless. If you don't have a little compassion for yourself you won't be able to move forward into the ideas, thoughts that come forward from your great detective work you started yesterday.

What does self compassion mean? Yep--it is something that is a bit foreign to us.

Self compassion is:

Loving yourself no matter what,
Letting go of the shoulds,
Looking past the rules and comparisons
Just appreciating where you are and allowing yourself to be fully who you are.

As you go through this process...stuff comes up, (and by stuff I mean: dreams, ideas, thoughts, plans) maybe it is stuff you have forgotten about, maybe it is stuff you convinced yourself was wrong, maybe it is stuff you just never even thought of. Regardless when this 'stuff' appears welcome it. As Tara Brach says, "welcome it to tea" Sit down with your dreams and ideas and welcome them in to your life.

Too often, we push them aside and ignore them because they are too great, too overwhelming, too ridiculous, too scary!! Today we are going to great those ideas with self compassion and love. Take notes, write it down, pay attention to what comes up for you. What ideas, thoughts, plans are the scariest? What are the most ridiculous, which ones have you built the most excuses around (those are all usually signs that you are on to something!!

What do you think about these tips? We are almost half way through! Anything exciting coming up for you? I would love to hear--if you don't want to share publicly on the comments below--feel free to e-mail me at nancy@nancyjanesmith.com

Treat Your Life Like a Mystery Novel

2011-10-18T08:45:00.000-04:00

Last week I started the series
7 Ways to Find the Work the that Makes Your Heart Sing.

The first was Get out of Your Rut.

Today--number two (and again in no particular order) is:

Treat Your Life Like a Mystery Novel.

In order to figure out what makes your heart sing--you need to start viewing your life as a great mystery that needs to be unraveled and explored. You need to get curious about your own life. Start investigating, start exploring, start unraveling you.

Honestly, the answer to what makes your heart sing--is inside of you. It is your heart, your skills, your passions, your interests that I am talking about. You just need to start getting curious about your own needs, wants, passions. As you go through your day--pay attention, do some investigating. Dig deep, ask one question then ask another and pay attention to the themes and patterns that come up for you.

What do you dread about your day?

Why do you dread it so much?

What activities make you down right giddy to get out of bed?
What makes you smile?
What movies/books/songs do you love?
When do you find yourself getting stressed and annoyed?

What are you annoyed about?
What in particular is stressing you?

What fascinates you? Be specific--what are you curious about?
Where do you find meaning?
How do you spend your time?

How do you want to spend your time differently?

What do you value, I mean REALLY value?

What are the most important people/places/things in your life?
What about them is important?

What activities/thoughts/ideas do you just lose time with?
What could you do for hours and hours and hours?

You are the person that you will spend the most time with in your life---so why not get to know that person as much as possible. When we truly know ourselves we can start naming the activities and work that makes our heart sing.

Get Out of Your Rut

2011-10-13T09:26:00.004-04:00

Today marks the beginning of my 7 day series on the 7 Ways to Find the Work that Makes Your Heart Sing. So with out further adieu: Starting with Number 1 (they are in no particular order):

Get Out of Your Rut.

So often we just get stuck in our day to day activities, we build a pattern of getting up, eating breakfast, going to work, coming home blah, blah blah. Even if that isn't your particular pattern I would bet you have one. And to some degree, we need patterns and schedules to make our lives flow easier. But too frequently we get so stuck in the schedule and the pattern we forget what it is that we really love...what really matters to us...what we are passionate about. We get trapped in the to dos, the obligations, meeting other people's needs and expectations we forget to look at our own heart and passions.

In order to find the work that makes your heart sign you need to break this rut pattern--break out of your schedule and do something different.

It can be as simple as:

taking a different way to work,
stopping for ice cream with the kids after running errands,
taking a walk in the middle of your work day
trying something new for dinner,
or grabbing your partner and doing a dance in the living room.

Shake things up!!! And then pay attention to how that feels--what got stirred up--what emotion, thoughts, ideas came to the fore front.

Or you could be a bit more radical:

Taking that class you have been putting off.
Going on the vacation you have been dreaming of.
Throwing yourself a party.

When we get out of our rut and shift our patterns we can also slowly start shifting our thinking and then eventually our lives. Changing it up reminds us of what if feels like to take risks, to spontaneously laugh, to the ideas and people that bring us passion and make our heart sing!!!

Roadblocks and Detours

2011-10-12T08:49:00.000-04:00

Yesterday morning my nearest and dearest and I headed out for an 8:15 appointment. So we had left on-time (shocker) and when we hit the main street traffic was congested. We chalked it up to rush hour traffic which we usually miss since we both work strange hours. As we made our way on to the freeway we soon realized why there was so much congestion--the main outer belt had been shut down and we were being forced off the freeway in the opposite direction!!

Panic set in--we were already running late and now we were headed in the wrong direction with thousands of other panicked cars also headed in the wrong direction!! It didn't help that I no longer carry my i-phone so looking up directions, finding the name of the place to call and say we were late, all impossible. So I pulled out the map from my glove box (circa 1990--a shout out to my father who always insisted I carry a map) and we called my mom to look up the phone number (who did so using the yellow pages--again circa 1990). Long story short we made it to our destination just 45 minutes behind schedule.

It got me thinking about unexpected road blocks and diversions in our personal life path. So often we are headed down a path, and suddenly we are met with a road closure and forced to detour--whether that be an we meet the love of our life, we get offered a new job, someone close to us unexpectedly dies, or we are presented with an opportunity we can't pass up. Detours both good and bad happen all the time in our lives--the trick is in how we handle them. Panic, uncertainty, doubts and questioning all take place at the same time as figuring out how to move forward and making informed decisions.

Too often we pick one or the other panic or stoic resolve. We don't allow for both. We either move into panic which makes moving forward, next to impossible OR we pick stoic resolve where we pick a new path and stick to it without allowing for the grief, doubt and uncertainty that comes with change.

Through the uncertainty the problems arise the questions that need answered come to the surface. If you just pick a choice with stoic resolve you might miss an area that needs your attention. Throughout our journey yesterday am we were consistently recalibrating, shifting between 'we got this, we are doing fine' and 'OMG we are LATE, we are going the wrong way'.

In true transparency--it is much easier to go through the road closure and detour of life (and traffic) when you have someone to share them with. I admit I tend to be a stoic resolve person making decisions, not always taking into account emotions while my nearest and dearest tends to be a panic person pointing out the issues, and problems --so together a natural balance seems to form.

The Unnecessary Pressure of "Callings"

2011-10-05T14:02:00.000-04:00

A couple of weeks ago I stumbled across an article called Jobs, Careers or Callings. This article describes the research of a group of Yale professors on job satisfaction based on our definitions of what we do. In a nut shell, they interviewed a group of employees in a variety of occupations asking them to select whether they viewed their job as a calling, career or a job and then asked them to answer series of questions to determine job satisfaction. Not surprisingly they found that individuals that viewed their work as a calling reported more job satisfaction then those who viewed it as a career or a job. Interestingly they found that people in the same occupation, defined their job differently. Specifically, there were some administrative assistants who viewed their work as a calling and some who viewed it as a job (those who viewed it as a calling reported more job satisfaction).

Since reading this research I have been thinking a lot about jobs vs callings and what this all means in terms of working and living happier. So yes, working at our calling=job satisfaction therefore we should all be working at doing our calling. Which to some extent I think that is true. I believe we all have something we were put on this earth to do, something we excel at, we thrive in doing and we love. For some people that can be translated into a paying career, for other people they might work 'a job' in order to pay for the work that they do in their calling. Personally I think we run into trouble when we have the idea that to be happy we MUST be getting paid to do our calling. Confusing coming from a career counselor who helps people find the work that makes their heart sing. But notice I said finding the 'work' that makes your heart sing, not the career, not the job. I help people find their life's work, their life's passion. So let's say you love writing and that is the work the makes your heart sing. You would LOVE to get paid to do that and to have that be your career, but for the time being you enjoy writing. You just love writing for the sake of writing. So you have a job that is ok, not fantabulous but it requires limited energy and gives you the time and inspiration to write. While you are working at your 'job' earning money you are finding creative ways to enjoy your calling. Maybe you are writing for the company newsletter or the company blog, maybe you are submitting articles to be published. Or maybe you figure out that you are happy working at your 'job' and writing for yourself and your close friends and family. Regardless of what it looks like, the goal is to determine your calling and then figure out creative ways to weave it into your life (as a paid position or not).

Maybe your calling is being a great mom, a nurturer, caregiver, loving mom. Is this a highly paid job? No. So even though being a mom is the work that makes your heart sing, you might need a career or a job to help support your family. But while your children are young or while they are in school you are going to poor most of your energy into being a mom because that is a calling of yours. So your career might not take off during this time because you are working on your calling of being a mom.

There also is a need to get creative. For me my calling is caregiving, nurturing being "Mama Bear". Because that is something I love doing, something I feel compelled to do, something I do it without even thinking of it. It also means there are certain jobs that I excel at that don't feel like work...such as counseling or mothering. But another less obvious one which is one I was very good at for years was administrative assistant. I made an awesome assistant! I loved predicting what my boss needed and getting it for him. I loved making sure my boss was prepared for the day and ready to handle any situation, I loved being his right hand person.

So I believe our calling is more than our job, and we can find outlets for our calling in a variety of ways paid and unpaid. The absolute KEY is figuring out your calling (or the work that makes your heart sing) and then figuring out the ways to implement that in to your life as much as possible.

Give Yourself a Break

2011-10-04T09:13:00.000-04:00

Any time I get sick, inevitably my dad will call and ask how I am feeling and then follow up with "you must have been doing too much and not getting your rest". It is one of his dad'isms, one of his favorite sayings and pieces of wisdom: Lots of rest, and low stress=no sickness (not that he necessarily always follow his own advice). But he is right, last week after weeks of pushing myself to hard, not getting enough rest and not engaging in self care I got sick. SICK: stuffy nose, cough, headache, barely move you are so tired sick. So I rested. I rested because clearly my body was telling me I needed to. The body is an amazing thing--if you don't take a break and rest it will make it very clear to you when you need to.

The irony of it was earlier that week I was just talking to a friend about the need to take a break every now and then. Not just a physical restful break but an emotional, mental break. That when we are going through transition (job change/search, loss, relationship issues, general life struggles) sometimes we can't be 'processing all our emotions' or reacting and acting in the most mentally healthy of ways. Sometimes we need to allow ourselves time off from life.

I remember a few years ago I heard Ilyana Vanzant speak and she was talking about the power of re-charging, taking a break, taking care of ourselves. So when she started sharing her favorite re-charging practices, I thought I was going to hear some wonderfully soothing practices of meditation, yoga or prayer. And then she said hands down her favorite relaxation activities was to put on her pajamas and sprawl across the bed watching Law and Order repeats.

I was amazed! I was relieved! Here is a self-help guru, a woman who teaches on spiritual practices telling us that she LOVES watching Law and Order repeats and finds great comfort in it! It was then I realized, there is no right way. We all are doing the best we can with what we have and we all need to give ourselves a break!!! Remember that change is hard, transitions are exhausting and there is no 'right' way to move forward. Sometimes when we push too hard we can end up exhausted and frustrated. It is counter-intuitive but in order to make quality decisions and to know what's best for ourselves and others, we need to give ourselves a chance to rest, regroup and relax. Whether that means sitting watching TV while playing Plants vs. Zombies (my personal favorite), having coffee with a friend, taking a nap, doing yoga or going for a run. Whatever allows you to relax and disconnect for awhile is helpful.

What is your favorite way to regroup and relax?

Colds, Flashbacks and Fummers

2011-09-28T10:32:00.000-04:00

So today I was going to write on Taking a Break and then somewhere along the way I caught a cold. Ironically...I am being forced to take a break and take care of myself. So I am sharing a flash back post from September 2008 today:

I love this time of year--the strange time when summer the heat of summer is not quite over but the cold of winter isn't here yet either. It is too hot for sweaters during the day but too cold for shorts at night. It isn't quite summer and it isn't quite fall--it is in between--"fummer" if you will.

It got me thinking about all the times throughout our lives when we are in a fummer--not quite one place or the other--we are simply on the road. Not quite in that perfect relationship, not quite figured out the job, not quite happy. We are in fummer--actually most of our lives we are in that in between place--we just don't realize it or embrace it. To often we are waiting for the next season or long for the past season. We are fantasizing about the snow or depressed because the days by the pool are gone.

We aren't enjoying the fummer when it is sunny and bright during the day and cool enough to have the windows open at night. We are dreaming about when our job will be perfect and missing out on the fact that we had a great meeting this morning or received a compliment from a boss today. We lament 'the one that got away' rather than seeing the funny cute woman at the coffee shop who talks to us every time we are in there. We miss the fummer because we are too busy looking at our past or leaping into the future. Enjoy your fummer! It won't be here for long!!

Dealing with a Demanding Boss

2011-09-27T10:40:00.000-04:00

For as long as I can remember my dad has worked for himself. He has always been a hard worker both in his professional life and in his personal life. Whether working with clients, or working in the yard he has always pushed himself sometimes beyond his limits. To say the least he has a tough work ethic. Frequently my mom will get frustrated with him working so hard and will jokingly say to him "I hate your boss, he just never lets up on you, he is so demanding". It is a loving way to remind him that he is the one driving himself to exhaustion, he is the one pushing himself past the point of comfort, he is the one who is setting his schedule, his goal, and his long term planning. It is also a great way to separate himself from his 'boss', to give him some perspective.

To some extent all of us have a 'tough boss' inside of us. Even if we don't work for ourselves, we still have the little voice (the fear monger, the inner critic, the gremlin) that tells us we aren't good enough. That tells us to keep working harder, be more dependable, more responsible, more on 'top of things'. So frequently that boss voice plays there under our subconscious over and over again.

I am constantly amazed that I could complete the same amount of tasks/stuff on two different days and one day my 'boss' would be ok with it and one day my 'boss' would be riding me ass that I didn't accomplish enough. The difference in the days depends on a lot of variables: how good I am feeling when I start out the day, how much time I had in the day, my expectations for the day etc. But the biggest variable I have found is how much credence I give to the "boss" in my head. The amount of time I let my boss just pick at me unchecked is frequently the key to whether or not I end the day happier or not.

So I have found a great way to combat my boss is to first notice him there. To be aware that I am being extremely harsh on myself, I am aware of that in how I feel about my work (usually negative), how I carry my body (I tend to get a tightness in my neck/chest), the words that come out of my mouth (usually more discouraged and down), the thoughts that toss around in my head (pretty negative and self sabotaging). All of these variable show me that maybe my boss is being a little too tough. And then I will say something to my internal 'boss'. Letting my boss know that she is not in charge here that I have some say and that although I love her for keeping me on task I need a little more support if I am really going to be a success. MOST of the time she settles down and the 'push' decreases, occasionally I need to address her multiple times in the day before she will settle. It is this awareness of my boss and the acknowledgement that she is just a part of me not my whole being that helps me work with her instead of against her.

What about you? How does your internal boss manifest itself? What ways have you found to lovingly deal with him/her?

Ending the "I Have Never Liked My Job" Lament

2011-09-22T09:27:00.000-04:00

We all know that the economy is challenging right now. I have had a number of clients (I would say the majority) who are motivated to come see me due to a pending merger, layoff or buyout. I have had clients ranging from 25-65 who's jobs and lives have been effected by the economy.

I was struck by one client who during her free 20 minute session asked...I am 62..Am I too old to work with you? "Absolutely Not, I replied" "No one is too old to figure out what makes their heart sing" "Good," she replied "That's what I thought too." When I hung up the phone with her I was thrilled. Here was a woman in her 60s who hadn't given up hope, who was motivated and excited to say "I am ready to work happier". Even though she had the common lament of "I have never liked my job" she was ready to change that and finally find something she loved to do.

When she came into see me she was a mix of excitement about what comes next and fear about the uncertainty of it all. She had just talked with her financial planner who had painted a gloomy picture of working for the next 5+ years and struggling to make ends meet. But the financial planner had given her a number she had to meet, an amount she had to bring in every year. So, as she said "All I have to do is find a job(s) I love that matches that number". She was excited about "finally doing something she loved", "getting out from behind the desk". So as with all my clients we began brainstorming the various ideas she had and by the time she left she had 4-5 job ideas as well as a plan for making them come to light. When she left she was a completely different person then when she came in. She was excited, energized, and ready to get working. She had a plan, an idea a way to move forward out of the doom and gloom of losing her job.

Another client recently told me 'I am half way through my career life and I have never liked my job." That is a common lament. I don't believe we are told we CAN find a job we love, we are told to suck it up, pay the bills, work 8-5 and retire. We are told the economy is bad, jobs are scarce, keep your head down and stay on track. Never mind that you barely can get out of bed to make it to your job, or that you come home exhausted and unfulfilled. Never mind that you have spent 20+ years of your life working all day at a job you think is OK.

I believe we can find a job we love, even in this economy. I believe we don't have to 'suck it up', 'keep our heads down' and just plug along until we retire. I believe all of us deserve a life that is engaging, full of passion and helps us reach our full potential. I believe to live this life we need to be honest about what we want out of life, to know our values and our goals, to know how much money we need to make to sustain our lifestyle, and then to get creative and think out of the box on how we can achieve our goals. Do I believe it is easy? No. Do I believe it is for the faint of heart? No. Do I believe it takes time, perseverance, desire and drive? Yes. Do I believe it is worth it? YES!! Do I believe I can help you get there? Absolutely!

What if you just started exploring the career that might make your heart sing? What if you looked at your finances/goals/needs and figure out what you needed in a practical sense to move forward? What if you started paying attention to what are the voices, doubts, and road blocks that are keeping your stuck? What if you were finally able to work happier? Together one step at a time we can end the "I Have Never Liked my Job" lament.

Happiness According to Mad Men

2011-09-21T09:28:00.002-04:00

The other night we were watching Mad Men--(yes I know I am a little late to this party,we finally got on board and started with watching Season 1 and it has lived up to all the hype). For those of you who are late to the party, like me, Mad Men is a TV show about an advertising agency which takes place in the 50s. Frequently when we are watching TV/movies I get struck by a random quote, which makes TV watching all the more enjoyable. In the first episode of the first season, one of the ad execs gave a definition of happiness that made me sit up and scream "yes!!"

".....And do you know what happiness is? Happiness is the smell of a new car. It's freedom from fear. It's a billboard on the side of a road that screams with reassurance that whatever you're doing is OK. You are OK. "

So granted, this quote pertains to advertising and the back story involves an ad campaign for Lucky Strike cigarettes shortly after it was released that smoking will kill you, but I have been thinking and thinking about this quote tossing it around seeing if it really fits the general definition of happiness and I believe it does.

When I think to the times the that I have been the happiest, my wedding day, being on vacation, or working with a client. During those times I was feeling confident, secure, positive and I was getting confident, secure, positive feedback around me. I knew what I was doing was OK. I knew I was where I needed to be, making choices I needed to make and was feeling the support of my own gut as well as the people around me.

Similarly I think about days when I am feeling happy vs days I am not and the simple tasks that one day might make me happy while the next day I resent. Walking my dog, Mocha is a great example. Frequently there are times that I walk her and I just feel giddy...she is excited and joyful, the day is beautiful, we are out of the house getting fresh air and I am fully present and happy. And then there are days like yesterday when I head out to walk the dog because I haven't done so in 3 days and I am bitter and feeling bad that I haven't walked her, we are running late and that my to do list is a mile long. So I spend the walk feeling insecure, unconfident and ineffective, Not present, Not joyful. Basically...not happy.

I see it frequently with clients who leave my office all excited that they have figured out what comes next in their career, their gut is telling them it is a good idea, the research they have done is telling them it is a good idea and their support system is telling them it is a good idea. They are OK, they are happy. Then they leave my office, head out into the world to network, job search, apply to grad school and they get rejected, disappointed or hurt and they aren't feeling reassured anymore they aren't ok. They aren't happy. But it isn't because they have picked the wrong career or that their heart can't sing. It is the ebbs and flows of happiness.

I do believe happiness comes and goes...there are days when I am more happy, more confident, more self assured then others. There are days when all pistons are firing, conversations with clients are dead on, writing is fluid and I absolutely adore my job. And then there are days when I can't come up with an idea to save my life, client meetings are stilted and cloudy and I question my value as a career counselor.

So how do we fix the unhappy days? The key I have found (and I open to your thoughts) is to recognize we are going to have off days. We are going to have days when we aren't clicking, when the world outside and inside is making us question our choices. The trick comes in recognizing those days are all part of the journey. Happiness will come, we will feel OK again. The power in change is keeping moving, keep carrying on even when we are having an off day, even when we aren't 'feeling it' knowing that it is a temporary glitch in our long term plan. When we can recognize that the self doubt and feeling 'not ok' are all part of the process of life we can slow down and let those days pass without taking them on as 'the truth'. Then when the happy days come we can celebrate them with gusto!!

What are your thoughts? Do you agree with the quote? How has happiness or "feeling OK" played out in your life?

My AWOL Iphone.

2011-09-20T09:11:00.002-04:00

Photo Credit: RenaissanceChambara

Over the weekend I decided to stop using my iPhone. The true confession is there are few things in the world I love more than my iPhone. I know that sounds pathetic...which is one reason I decided to get rid of it. But when it comes to possessions, things I owned, used and enjoyed I would have placed my iPhone at the top of the list. If you knew me you knew my iPhone--it was like an appendage. So when my iPhone went AWOL at the Dave Matthews Band concert I was surprised by my reaction. I didn't freak out (ok I did freak out a little but I didn't totally lose it) I remained calm and collected and quickly moved to acceptance.

In reality, although I said I loved my phone I really had a love hate relationship with it. I loved it's technology, being connected all the time, the many apps that I found useful. But I didn't like that I frequently used it as an excuse to check out of social situations, I would find myself on my iPhone rather than talking to my nearest and dearest or interacting with friends. I thought I NEEDED to be connected all the time and then realized how much I resented being connected. But I admit I never would have thought to let it go myself. Until it went AWOL...maybe my iPhone knew it was time to move on, time for me to grow, time to see what life is like not quite as connected. So now I have a regular cell phone (I didn't go completely unconnected!!) and I have to say it has been amazingly fabulous!! I have been more present, less anxious, and more grounded. I never realized how much I had begun to resent my phone.

Which got me thinking how many other areas of my life could be simplified? How many patterns/habits/toys do we just keep around even though they aren't serving us anymore? So often we keep plugging along...doing what we always have done even if it doesn't give us joy anymore. My iPhone example is a small, yet life changing example. I am amazed at how much it ruled my life...something so small...something so insignificant...something that if you asked me a month ago I would have said was a necessary tool in my life. And now I realize...not so much is it serving me, in fact it was hurting me, causing anxiety, guilt, and frustration.

What about you? What are the things, jobs, people, hobbies that you loved at one time and now might be causing your more frustration then joy?

Facing our Demons

2011-09-15T09:25:00.000-04:00

Thanks to Ark for the photo.

Lately I have been thinking about getting out of our own way, facing the fear monger and dealing with the 'demons', self doubts, fears and insecurities that keep us stuck. Hands down the first thing clients say to me when we meet for the first time is "I want to figure out where to go next, I have no idea what to do with my career". So we figure it out, through assessments and worksheets and talking we figure it out. And inevitably we get to the point where they figure it out the 'aha' moment comes, and they decided this is it. You might thinks we are done..but that is when the real work starts. Because that is when the fear monger, jumps in and starts hammering with all the doubts, insecurities, and fears he/she could possibly dream up.

Recently Ted Williams, made it back in the news. For those that don't know the story...he is a homeless man from Columbus, Ohio (my hometown) who was discovered on a street corner by a reporter because of his amazing radio voice. Check out the video clip below. He immediately became an overnight sensation appearing on the Today Show, Dr. Phil, David Letterman etc. And then a few weeks later it came out that Ted has an addiction to drugs and alcohol and soon those demons became to much for him and he fell back into obscurity.

So here is this guy...has an amazing talent, knows he has an amazing talent, has others telling him what an amazing talent he has and offering him jobs yet his heart isn't singing with this amazing career...the demons were too much. You might be thinking, well this is an EXTREME example. And yes, it could be...but I would argue that Ted's demons just happened to be a disease called addiction that is easily identifiable as a problem. For many of us our demons and fears are more hidden, they come up through procrastination, half-heartedy approaching something, and other forms of self sabotage not as prominent as addiction.

When Ted was first discovered last January people were saying that they were jealous wishing they had this chance, that someone would discover them and that they knew what made their heart sing. Ted's story is a great one because it illustrates that we all have fears and self doubts. This process is not easy...even if your dream job is handed to you...you still have to get out of your own way to make it a reality.

Fortunately for Ted, he has found a new support system, has completed rehab, found trusted partners and is starting over one small step at a time. I hope he succeeds. I hope he lives a life that makes his heart sing. I hope that for everyone...but in order to make our heart's sing we need a support system and a plan. Fortunately that is something I get to do every day...help people figure out what makes their heart sing and then figure out the plan to make that a reality.

My Favorite Definition of Peace

2011-09-14T09:30:00.000-04:00

This sign sits in my office. It is one of my favorite sayings and is the guiding principle of my work. "Peace. It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work, it means to be in a the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart."--Anonymous.

This is also my definition of living happier. Living Happier means that even when life gets rocky and hard you can still keep your footing, stay grounded and remain at peace...content. Living Happier does not mean always feeling happy, never dealing with problems, never experiencing pain or sorrow, never moving through hard work. When I work with clients I help them to become more at peace, to recognize no matter what the changes, transition or decisions that need to be made they can remain grounded, solid and calm in their hearts. It is common place when we hit snags in the road to throw up our own roadblocks, through drama, arguments, and avoidance. When we can experience these snags through a place of peace life is better.

Last week I wrote a blog about a question that would change your life and I asked you to visualize how you want your life to look and start making steps to get there. Someone asked me--what if my vision doesn't match my families? And then gave the example what if I want to be near the beach and my family is perfectly happy in Minnesota how can I make that happen? It was a great question. And of course I have an answer--that is not an easy one.

First off I would encourage you to look at ALL the options. You could move your family to Fl, take your kids out of school and change your residence permanently, or live summers in Fl, or just you could move to FL and you could visit your family, or you could leave your family all together and live at the beach (probably not the best option but I said to look at all of them!).

Then I would ask what is most important? Where you live or keeping your family happy? I mean in all honesty families can be moved--that may not make them the happiest but it can be done. But to be clear that you aren't moving to the beach because you value what's best for your family and not because your family won't 'let you' is helpful.

I would then ask, why the beach? Do you like the warmth, the water, the sun or the lifestyle? Is it the people or the sense of always being on vacation? What about the beach is particularly attracting? Then I would ask is it possible to get those things in Minnesota or in your life now. Maybe it means saving money so you can take all your vacations at the beach or by a beach house? Heading to visit one of the lakes/streams and rivers in Minnesota more often or implementing a more laid back lifestyle into your life.

Finally I would start making a plan for moving to the beach--maybe it is once the kids are grown or before they enter middle school or when you retire. But start saving for the beach house, cutting out pictures of the beach house, making the beach house a reality in your mind's eye.

It is possible to have the life you dream of...not always in the time frame you want it or in the exact way you desire it. BUT I believe we need to take an active role in designing that dream, and living that life by setting our priorities, taking small steps and living the dream. Using the above quote as your guide and remembering peace is being in the midst of the trials and tribulations and feeling calm in your heart. Being in the midst of not being able to live your dreams RIGHT NOW and still finding a way to live happier in your heart, that is the goal.

Stepping Out of My Box: Follow-Up

2011-09-13T08:59:00.001-04:00

Well I am back from a wonderful, restful vacation. As I talked about a couple of weeks ago this vacation was a little out of the box for me. My nearest and dearest and I traveled to Washington to see Dave Matthews Band play a 3 day concert. It was my first experience camping or at a music festival. I am happy to report I had a great time!! I really enjoyed hearing all the music, loved the camping and met some great people in the process. Overall I was glad I pushed myself out of my comfort zone to experience something completely new to me--I believe our lives become richer and more techni-color when we are able to move out of our every day into new worlds. However, it is not all peaches and cream to expand out of our box. I learned a few things during my out of the box experiment and wanted to share them here.

Flexibility: One thing I really struggle with is flexibility, 'going with the flow', bending with the wind so to speak. I like my plans, my calendar, my schedules. I like to know what is happening next, and what comprises both the big picture and little picture. But this trip was about moving with the crowd not figuring out my plan or agenda. I continually reminded myself that if I was going to really experience the music festival I needed to let go of the reigns a bit and be flexible. Now in true confession, I did earn the nickname "Mama Bear" so I wasn't totally successful in letting go of my care taking tendencies--but I was able to loosen up enough to experience the world differently.

It's not permanent: I am not going to be a music festival groupie, traveling around camping, not taking showers, and eating PB&J for most of my meals. I am a girl who likes comfy beds, good meals, regular showers. The whole point of stepping out of the box is just that--to break free from your ordinary regular patterns. However, I also had to regularly give myself a break that sometimes stretching out of our comfort zones is really uncomfortable and hard. So it is ok that I didn't make it all 3 days without a shower, that I was the first to bed each night, or that I knew which vendor had my favorite food. In the process of stepping out of your box you still need to take care of yourself.

Self talk is key: I think self talk is the key to almost everything. When we pay attention to the words we say to ourselves we can really learn a lot about our motivations and our challenges. Quite honestly if my nearest and dearest wasn't a huge Dave Matthew fan and didn't love camping and going to musical festivals I would not have gone to this event. A huge reason why I went was for him AND because I wanted to see what it was like, I wanted to stretch myself. But the times when it was hard and I was just done I would think "man he is really going to owe me for this one" and then I would catch myself and realize "this was my choice to come along, my choice to get out of my box, my choice to see his world and spend time with him" so just because I was challenged doesn't mean he deserved to be punished. Pay attention to how much your struggling is being 'put on' to other people. And give yourself and them a break.

I admit my example of stepping out of the box was limited and pithy. Many of you are struggling with major life changes, job transitions, grad school applications, even relationship changes. But the principles above still apply. Flexibility, the temporary nature of change, and your self talk all play a role in how easily you are able to manage stepping out of your box.

What are your tips for handling new experiences?

The One Key to Living and Working Happier

2011-09-08T08:01:00.000-04:00

Recently someone asked me, What is the one key to living and working happier? To be honest I was stumped, there are so many keys to being happier--if there were just one we would all be doing it :) Curiosity, awareness, facing fears, less self judgement are all a big part of living and working happier. But after a few days of thinking on this topic I came up with the one that encompasses all of them: vulnerability.

The one thing that allows us to live and work happier is vulnerability. Vulnerability to ourselves and the world around us. Being open to ideas and thoughts and not pushing them down with self judgement and blame, being open to the fears and doubts that creep in, being open to the questions and insecurities that come up and begin open to the joy and passion that we experience in life. By being vulnerable to life, we are open to it, open to the new experiences, the fears, the pain, the joy the passion. Just open. If we aren't open to life, we can't live and work happier.

My first session spent with clients is usually brainstorming all the ideas they might deem as 'crazy' that they have about their career. I love this session--it usually starts out rough, people aren't use to just brainstorming about their lives, dreaming, playing around...it requires a certain level of vulnerability. But by the end of the hour session people are usually beaming with excitement. Nothing has been decided, nothing has been committed to they haven't gotten a new job or a new life, but they have opened the door to possibility...vulnerability, step one.

I admit part of the reason I picked vulnerability as the one key is that it is so freakin' hard to be vulnerable. It is a life long struggle to stay open to the world around you. To understand the fine balance of when to self-protect and when you are protecting too much (and therefore missing out). I practice vulnerability every day in my relationships and in my work. I am consistently striving to live from a place of being open and present to live--because I know when I put myself out there and challenge my fears and my passion, life is better, life is more rich and more full (and admittedly more scary).

So this week pay attention to how vulnerable you are to life--where could you let go of the reigns a bit and let life just happen?

A Question to Change your Life

2011-09-07T08:01:00.004-04:00

Photo Credit: Milos Milosevic

Last week we were watching the movie, Something Borrowed and in the movie over a couple of beers one of the main characters ask the guy she is with "Tomorrow you wake up and your life can be any way you want it to be, what would it look like, what would you be doing?" I immediately turned to my nearest and dearest and said "Wow, what a great question" to which he responded "Yep, I'm going to be up all night with that one".

It is such a great question: How would you want your life to be if you could wake up tomorrow and have it be different? It is one of those great gut level questions, ask it and then think of the first thing that pops into your head. Then go a little deeper.

Would you want:
to live someplace new?
to own your home/or own multiple homes?
live in the mountains?
live at the beach?
live closer to or further from family?

a different job?
a major career change?
to go back to school?
to own your own business?

have more/less kids?
be in a significant relationship?
be out of a significant relationship?
change the quality of your relationship?
spend more quality time in your relationship?

Do something different in your spare time?
Play more?
Exercise more?
Dance more?
Travel more?--Where?

Take some time over the next few days and be curious about how you want your life to be different. And then be curious about why, and then be curious about how you can start implementing small changes in to your life now that will help you match your dream life so you can start working on living happier.

A Real Life Example of Working Happier

2011-09-06T08:01:00.001-04:00

I have become midly obsessed with NPR podcasts--I recognize I am a little late to the podcast party but if you haven't used that feature on your ipod/iphone--it is amazing! Lots of free, interesting programs out there that give new perspective to things. What I love about listening to the NPR programs is that it takes me out of my world, my anxieties, my to-do list and introduces me to this whole new world. A world of every day people doing extraordinary things with their lives.

Last week I was listening to This American Life--one of my favorites. It was on Amusement Parks. I admit I am not a big fan of amusement parks and I wasn't going to listen but I thought I would give it a try. The first part of the program is about Cole, the games manager at the park. Cole is a guy in his 20s who absolutely LOVES his job, I mean LOVES it he has worked at the amusement park since he was 14 and even dropped out of college (with one year to go) to accept this full time job. You can hear in his voice the joy and passion he has for his job.

I actually listened to this podcast twice (because I wanted my nearest and dearest to listen to it as well because he is as passionate about swimming) and both times I was struck with how excited Cole was to do his job. I kept thinking to myself this is Working Happier. This is what it is all about, finding something you love and are passionate about and embracing it. The beauty of the story is that Cole isn't fighting world hunger, or making massive change in the world. He is living his life with passion and joy and because of that he is creating change in the teenagers who work for him, the people who enter the park and see his passion and excitement, and the people like me who heard his story and were inspired by it.

So often these stories of living the dream and finding your passion are by people who are making lots of money or living the 'easy life' after working hard for a period of years and now can take it easy. But the reason I loved Cole's story is that he works 60-70 hours a week, he gets a lot of crap from his family (and girlfriend) about not completing college, he struggles with 'just being a games manager' and not being 'successful enough'. Bottom line it isn't all peaches and cream, it isn't perfect. He has issues too. But what he does have is that unmistakable joy when you hear him describe his job, he has found a little slice of heaven in his day to day life....and that in my opinion is priceless.

Check out Cole's Story here:

Stepping Out of My Box

2011-09-01T08:01:00.001-04:00

Today begins my vacation (don't worry I will keep to my 3 blogs a week commitment--even on vacation)--I love all types of vacation, but this is a traveling vacation, a different adventure each day vacation, stay in a different spot, experience new ideas and basically just get out of my comfort zone. It is the first time my nearest and dearest and I have done this type of vacation, usually we do the go and sit on the beach type of vacation (which I love as well) so it should be interesting. This travel vacation also includes camping--we are headed to the The Gorge in Washington for the DMB Caravan tour---both experiences are new to me camping and music festivals. I have to admit I have a lot of anxiety around this vacation. Traveling with my new husband, camping for the first time in 20 years and basically roughing it for 3 days.

Many of my friends have said, "are you crazy?" "why are you voluntarily headed to camp for 3 days in a field full of strangers?" "Camping isn't your thing" And they are right, I mean I am a 4 star, 500 thread count, plump pillows, concierge type of girl. But that is not all I am, I am also a outdoor loving, country raised, mild adventure seeker girl. Now admittedly the outdoor loving part of me is not as prominent or well developed. I can remember saying to friends that I wanted a guy who enjoyed outdoor activities because then I would have someone to engage in those activities with. And then I found my nearest and dearest who does enjoy camping, kayaking, surfing, hiking and just getting dirty.

So over the past few weeks I have been struggling with picking an identity--am I camper girl or 4 star hotel girl and then I realized why do I have to pick? Part of the fun and richness from life comes from getting out of our boxes and labels and experiencing different sides of ourselves. It is when we get stuck in our labels either by ourselves or by those around us that we get in trouble. When we have the mentality that "I can't do that because that doesn't fit me" we aren't living life to it's full potential. So I am headed on my vacation--my 4 star hotel, bed and breakfast, camping in a field with limited showers, fancy dining, eating cereal for dinner vacation!! And I am going to embrace every wonderful, nuanced aspect of it!!

So this week surprise yourself, surprise those close to you and take a risk, try something new and different, get out of your box. I'll let you know how my box escape goes when I get back....

Relationship and Career: Find What you Love

2011-08-31T08:01:00.001-04:00

Photo: Erin MC Hammer

Every now and then I think I am being too idealistic, too pie in the sky, too pollyanna to think people can really work in a job they love. I mean there are practical things to consider, money, family, responsibilities. Not everyone can afford to do the work they love and live a life that is full and rich. Fortunately these thoughts don't last long (hello fear monger!) --because I do believe that we all have natural gifts, and talents that need to be given to the world. We all have the gift of a life that is meant to be savored and enjoyed. Life is suppose to be full and exciting and we can experience that excitement in our careers and work.

When I am having these pollyanna doubts I inevitably will hear something or talk to someone who reminds me I am not crazy or too optimistic...With the announcement of Steve Jobs stepping down from Apple his graduation speech from 2005 has been circulating on Facebook and various other places, and I was able to watch it again. If you haven't seen it, it is short and powerful and you can watch it below. But my favorite part that gives me good bumps is this one paragraph:

....."Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick. Don't lose faith. I'm convinced that the only thing that kept me going what that I loved what I did. You've got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, if just gets bette and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don't settle."--Steve Jobs

Can I get a 'hell ya!". Every time I read it or hear it I get chills. We spend so much time reading, hearing, obsessing about finding our 'soul mate' our 'true love' and yes that is SO important but so it finding the work that makes your heart sing! Yes we need to make money, yes we need to be responsible AND we need to do work that is inspiring to ourselves and to others. To be the best us possible we need people around us that we love as well as work that we love.

Check out the full speech below:

Advice from my Dad: Why Pay Twice?

2011-08-30T09:40:00.000-04:00

My dad is full of different pieces of advice, short sentences packed with wisdom. One of these wisdom phrases that we say a lot in my house is "why pay twice?" So say you go to the movies, and you pay $25 for tickets and snacks and and half way through the movie you are miserable, the movie is terrible, loud, poor plot, no characters just bad. Most people say "I paid, for this I am going to sit here and get my money's worth", but my dad would say "why pay twice, why pay the $25 and then pay the fee of your time and energy to watch a bad movie, get up and leave".

The spirit of this advice can apply to many aspects of our lives. So often we think we have to stick with something merely because we have 'paid' whether financially or with our time and energy. Let's say you are in a job you hate and you go every day thinking how much you hate it and you justify that by saying "well I have already put in 5, 10, 15 years I can't leave quit now!!" Again, why pay twice, yes you have paid your dues and it hasn't worked out yet so why keep paying?

An example I see a lot in my practice is people who have paid to go to school and for whatever reason they picked a degree that didn't fit them. So here they are 2-4 years later and they can't find a job they want or they have found a job and they are miserable. Many of them know what they want to do next and unfortunately it requires some more schooling. And they will say to me "I can't do that I already paid for one degree so I have to use the degree I paid for". True, they did pay for one degree but like the bad movie analogy above...it wasn't the right degree it isn't going to be satisfying or get them what they want in the end so why pay twice? Why pay for the first degree and then pay for your misery the rest of your life because you made a human mistake and selected the wrong degree?

Frequently in life we make mistakes, we chose incorrectly, we chose something that we thought should fit or something someone told us would fit and we end up unhappy, miserable and 'paying' for the mistake. The point is mistakes happen, we chose wrong, why keeping suffering because we picked wrong?!?! Why pay twice? Figure out a way to make a change, do it differently. Just because you chose wrong to begin with doesn't mean you have to keep suffering as a punishment. Life is meant to be enjoyed, let's get creative and figure out way to make a different plan. As my dad would say, there is no need to pay twice.

Where in your life are you paying twice?

Basic Resume Tips

2011-08-25T08:52:00.000-04:00

The dreaded resume. One of the necessary evils to the job search. It is your whole professional life on one (or sometimes two) pieces of paper. Below are some of my basic resume writing tips.

Layout matters: You would be surprised how often I see a resume to review that has been thrown together on Word, or that has used some type of template to create. If you don't' know how to layout your resume, find someone who can a friend, a co-worker or pay someone who specializes in resume writing.

10 second skim: 10 seconds might be generous, but bottom line you don't have very long to showcase your talents. You need to be able to skim your resume (and I mean SKIM) to see what appears most prominent. Make sure what you want to stand out does. This skim concept is also why layout is so important.

It fits the description: Many of my clients are changing careers, shifting jobs completely. So it is extremely important that your resume changes to fit the new career you are wanting. Even if you have 10 years of teaching and you are trying to get into corporate training...change up your resume so it showcases your transferable skills. Get creative in your layout, design. But don't get too creative, make sure all the skills are real and authentic. Flowery, vague terms are easily caught. I will recommend to clients that they take the job description they are interested in and compare it with their resume. If they were a recruiter could they match up the job description with the resume and see a fit?

Be specific: Whatever you can quantify. do it. Show a number or percent. Give real details not fluff. Instead of saying "computer skills" list the specific computer programs you are proficient in. List the number of people you have trained, size of the budget, percentage of sales etc.

Write a Cover Letter: Especially for people who are trying to switch careers it is important to write a quality, concise cover letter to showcase who you are and what you can do for the company. You cover letter should highlight your resume and give more detail about your experience...not just reiterate your resume.

The challenge with resumes is everyone has an opinion on writing one. You can line up 10 experts and they will give you 10 different opinions. So my advice? Stick with the basics: Use a clean, attractive layout, avoid misspellings and showcase your talents.

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Want some help with your resume? Click here to schedule your free 20 minute Get to Know you Session where we can talk on the phone get to know each other better!! Not in Columbus--no worries I also work via phone and Skype!!

Fighting Dream Distortion

2011-08-24T09:32:00.000-04:00

Dreams. They are amazing, wonderful gifts. We encourage our children to have dreams, to use their imagination and make up fairy tales and dream worlds. But once we hit a certain age, dreams stop and practicality takes over. We can't dream because that is silly, we have to many other practical, adult tasks to complete. We need to be responsible and diligent in order to be good, honorable, citizens...(whew sounds a little stuffy and boring to me.) I would argue that dreams are what give color and hope to our lives. Yes, we need to be practical and task oriented or we won't be able to survive in this world, but we also need to let our hair down, use a little imagination and look at our lives with a little inspiration.

Inevitably there is a time when I am working with a client, sometime in the first session..sometimes in the tenth when they open up and say what it is they have really been thinking about doing...maybe it is being a teacher or a mom or a musician, it doesn't matter what it is because it is their dream. It is their passion, hope, joy, wish all wrapped up into one big package. In this moment when they build the confidence to say the dream they are waiting for my judgment, for me to running screaming from my chair "are you kidding me?!!" "there is no way that is going to happen?!?!" "You can't possibly do that?!?!". Of course I don't think or say any of those things..this is a sacred moment a moment when the dreams, when who they are as a person is seeing the light of day, this is a gift. But what I love about his moment, is my clients are always shocked, surprised and I would even say flabbergasted that I greet their idea with such love and support.

Now I would love to say they are shocked because I am so loving and supportive, but in reality I believe it is because they are so hard on themselves that the idea in their head has been so beaten down, distorted and made to seem down right crazy that when they say it out loud rather then hearing "I want to be a teacher", they are hearing "I want to fly to the moon, using only my arms". No wonder they are terrified!! That is why here on my blog and in my office I frequently encourage people to speak their dreams out loud to loving supportive people, because our internal conversations have a way of distorting our dreams. The less distortion we have the better.

Today give yourself a minute, or two or even 30 and let your mind wander...what do you dream about? What do you want for your life? And then ask yourself how outlandish is it, really? Then think of 1-3 people you know who are safe, loving and supportive and just share your thoughts OR post them below, or email them to me. Regardless, air out your dreams, let them free.

Complete Acceptance

2011-08-23T09:08:00.001-04:00

"The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely"
--Carl Jung.

I am a quote girl, I love inspirational quotes and frequently draw strength or insight from them. My mom and I will spend hours at gift shop stores pointing out inspiring quotes that we enjoy. But this quote from Carl Jung I had never heard before, yep never heard..and it is such a good one. Last night my nearest and dearest and I were watching TV and this quote popped up on the murder victims' refrigerator and I immediately grabbed for a piece of paper to write it down.

This quote is the crux of much of my work both professionally and personally, the point where I am helping my clients to move towards, and the consistent struggle as humans....to accept ourselves completely. To look at who we are the dreams, desires, hopes, wishes and not discard them because they aren't what everyone else wants. To embrace the doubts, fears, insecurities and 'monkey mind' that haunt all of us. To celebrate the uniqueness that is you and all that comes with it--terrifying?!? You bet.

The true challenge is that accepting ourselves completely is hard enough, but then you add in another level..that order to accept ourselves we have to to look at ourselves and have that foundation shaking thought...is this it?!? I know there are moments when I question, is this as good as it gets? Is this why I am here? These moments, earthshakingly terrifying. Common questions are am I doing my best? Am I striving hard enough? What can I be doing more of?

But Jung is asking us: Can I love myself completely, now, in this moment, without striving, working harder, becoming something, just as is...my joyous, laughter loving, sometimes lazy, uninspired, obsessive, analyzing clean freak, gardener, reader, writer, me. That is the crux of life. Those moments that we have when we say, yep I am pretty freaking cool, are priceless. Those moments of complete peace, a certain groundedness creeps in and we can take a big belly breathe and be at one with the universe. Those moments aren't terrifying, fleeting yes, but not terrifying.

The trick is building on those moments, little by little, remembering that feeling of 'yes, I am enough, as is, right now'. Striving for a goal is amazing but when the need to strive out weighs the ability to love ourselves as is we have lost balance.

Accepting ourselves completely can be terrifying but it can also be exhilarating! It is the point of being here, to learn who we are and how we relate to the world while learning how to be the best us possible!! That, my friends, is working and living happier.

Finding My Blog Again

2011-08-18T08:22:00.001-04:00

Stuck. That is how I have been feeling with my blog. Down right stuck. I love to write, I love sharing my ideas, I love finding stories that relate to life lessons, I love expressing myself (yes, a bit narcissistic) via my blog. But lately I don't love writing my blog. As witnessed by the rarity of posts over the past few months. Yes, I was planning a wedding, and going on a honeymoon and settling in to married life (which is what I keep telling myself) but in reality those reasons wouldn't have kept me away in the past.

So in the way I approach everything when I have a stumbling block.... I started building awareness and curiosity around my blog avoidance. First thing I noticed was the amount of pressure I was putting on myself to write a warm, witty, valuable, applicable and intelligent blog. To the point that if I felt uninspired to write my blog I basically spent the rest of the day beating myself up for being a terrible career counselor, and uninspired writer, which eventually spun out to giant loser, lazy person who is going nowhere. So I immediately put the breaks on that chain of thoughts (Whoa!) First step in stopping the hammer is to notice that it is actually beating you down!!

So I gave myself an intentional break from my blog, allowing me to work on other writing projects and other areas of my business. In the past couple of weeks I have been uber-productive, developing programs, packages, assignments and a future e-course. While I haven't been writing my blog, I have been occasionally been adding some curiosity around my blog asking myself questions like: why is it hard to write there? what is missing? how can I bring the spark back? what do I want to write about?

So what did I found out during my blog-break?
1. Anytime we have to FORCE ourselves to do something or think we SHOULD do it we need to look at what's really going on.

2. This is suppose to be fun!! My little tiny blog that use to take 15 minutes to write in the morning and brought me excitement and joy had become a giant black elephant that hung out in my home office, followed me to work and hung out with me on the couch. I had built it up to be SO HUGE, no wonder I didn't want to work on it.

3. I love sharing stories, I love illustrating ideas, thoughts, life lessons through stories. Somewhere in my day to day life I lost seeing the world through stories,

4. Because of #1 and #2 I was putting WAY to much pressure on myself to write an awesome, insightful, intelligent blog. And I lost me, I lost my voice, my struggles, my challenges and my lessons. I thought I needed to be the expert the one who had it all together in order to share about living and working happier. I lost my ability to be vulnerable.

So there you have it my blog experiment has come to a close and I here are the changes you will see on my blog.

1. A commitment to writing 3 times a week--I noticed, one of the reasons I struggled was the less I wrote the less I wanted to write.

2. A commitment to allowing myself to be more vulnerable, more open sharing more about my life lessons and what I learn as I move through life and as I work through clients trying to live and work happier.

So please bare with me in the upcoming weeks as I find my stride again with blog writing and sharing! I am excited to see what happens!!

Whew! I have to admit I feel better, even writing this blog about my blog writing struggles was daunting and scary.

But I am hoping you can relate, what activity(s) are you avoiding, how do you deal with getting stuck, or in a rut? I would love to hear!!

Why Positivity Can Get in the Way of Living Happier

2011-08-02T11:36:00.001-04:00

You have heard me say it before, but lately it has been creeping back into my world.. creeping back into my client's thoughts and words, creeping back into my friends wisdom. The idea that we just need to think positive and all will be better. Ugh! This thought drives me crazy. Sometimes I feel like it is one of my life's missions to rid the world of the notion that if you just put on a smile, and think positive life will be just peachy. Yes there are times when we are just crabby for no reason, just 'off' and for those times putting on a smile can be helpful. But I am talking about those times when we are hurting when we have pain, grief, sadness when we are going through a break-up, a death, a sense of confusion or a major life transition! All of these are HARD they require struggle, tears, pain and grief. These aren't 'buck up', put on a smile times, these are "yep I know it sucks and it might feel like you are going to die but I promise you will get through this time"

We have all seen the people, people who we ask "how is everything going?" (and legitimately care) and the immediate response is "fine, fine, everything is fine!" with a big fake smile on their face Clearly we know everything isn't fine, but most likely they have heard somewhere to be positive and everything will be ok.

I am all about joy and laughter and smiling, hell my tag line is work happier live happier--so clearly I am all about being happ-ier. But when we think that these 'happy' emotions are the ONLY emotions and that we are weak, pathetic and/or negative because we don't feel happy all the time we get into trouble. As a mentor of mine use to say, life is about experiencing a wide range of emotions fully. So experiencing joy AND sadness. Laughter AND tears. When we are trapped in 'living positively' to the detriment of experiencing any anger, sadness or struggle we aren't living happier, we are slowly surely becoming a ticking time bomb of resentment and pain.

As with everything life is a balance--it is a mixture of sadness and pain when we experience too much of one type of emotion we are definitely not living happier. Any transition life will require some sadness, relief, laughter, anxiety, fear and joy. Whenever we are making changes there will be struggle but that is truly living and experiencing life which to me IS living happier!!

Keep Your Eyes on the Road

2011-07-28T10:02:00.001-04:00

Thanks to TobyOtter for the great pic!

A few months ago my nearest and dearest and I were driving to North Carolina. Part of that journey includes driving on the West Virginia turnpike a hilly, curvy freeway that is full of semi's all trying to make good time. It can be an exhilarating, scary and sometimes fun part of the drive. We had planned to stay overnight in WV and then continue on the following morning. As we approached the hotel, it was dark, the road was hilly, curvy and covered with light fog. We couldn't see very well in front of us but I kept driving on, making good time, getting us to our destination. The next morning when we started out again, it was day light, no fog and we could see for miles. Surprisingly, I noticed I was much more timid in my driving, now I could see far ahead of me and see the cliffs I was driving close to and the upcoming hills and twists and turns that were approaching.

My nearest and dearest (ever the observant one) noticed right away that I was more timid and asked what was wrong..naturally we both assumed since visibility was so much greater I should be feeling more secure in my driving. But honestly since I could see what was coming I not only had to deal with the curves I knew about but I was stressing about the curves 'yet to come'

It struck me that the more I paid attention to what was coming up the more afraid I became. I think that happens frequently in our lives that sometimes we get so caught up in looking ahead at 'what might happen' we get too scared to make decisions based on what's actually happening. We become frozen in the what if's or the terrible things that appear to be approaching. When I was able to relax and remembered that I had been fine on this road, 12 hours earlier, in the dark and fog I started to only pay attention to the current road. I knew there were curves ahead but I quit dwelling on them.

So frequently when clients come into my office feeling paralyzed and timid they have been looking too far down the road. The best way I have found to help clients is to help them implement a plan, a step by step action plan that they can come back to when they get overwhelmed. They may start looking too far down the road but when you know the plan, you know today I need to do a. and then you can start on a. rather then getting overwhelmed by h, m, and x. When my clients start putting one foot in front of the other, making decisions and moving forward they start living and working happier.

Here's to keeping your eyes on the road.

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Want to get your plan to work happier? Click here to schedule your free 20 minute Get to Know you Session where we can talk on the phone get to know each other better!! Not in Columbus--no worries I also work via phone and Skype!!

Safely Sharing Our Dreams

2011-07-27T09:35:00.003-04:00

Thanks to Brittany for the pic~!

A friend of mine and I are constantly coming up with "million dollar ideas". It is a fun game we play in coming up with different projects we can engage in or ideas we might have for our lives down the road. Frequently we joke that the difference between a person who makes a million dollars and a person who doesn't is taking the idea and running with it--actually ACTING on the idea. For so many of us these ideas don't even see the light of day, they never leave the recesses of our brain, they never get shared, discussed or talked about.

Earlier this week I was talking to my nearest and dearest about how common it is to shoot down ideas. When someone comes up with a new plan for a career or project, the first reaction of those closest to them is to say all the reason's it is a bad idea. Sounds terrible doesn't it? But I have found it to be true. So frequently by the time my clients have come into see me, they have heard so many negatives and challenges associated with their dream they are too exhausted and tired to even mention the dream to me.

I have to assume and hope, that these people believe they are being helpful, offering constructive criticism or protecting the person from getting hurt. But really in my mind they are just keeping that person down, and putting them 'back in line'. There are very few dream validators out there. Very few people that allow us to share what's on our hearts and minds and give us the room to explore it, look at it, check it out. Very few people who will say, sounds cool, let's see what happens who allow us to entertain the idea of doing something new, different and maybe even a bit 'out there'. Ironically, most of the time, our dreams aren't that crazy, or 'out there' they are just different then what we are doing now.

But honestly, many of the 'comforts' we have now TV, airplanes, cars, computers, and ipods wouldn't be here if someone somewhere hadn't thought 'what if one day we could carry 5,000 songs on a little tiny device as big as my hand?" and more importantly if someone somewhere hadn't said "that sounds cool, how might that work?" We all need dream validators in our lives, we need to let the dreams, ideas, thoughts that come into our brains have a safe place to fall.

Who are your dream validators? Who are the people you can share your dreams with? How open are you to listening to other people's dreams and ideas? Are you a dream validator?

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Looking for a safe place to share your dreams? Click here to schedule your free 20 minute Get to Know you Session! Not in Columbus? No worries--I also work via phone and Skype.

Why Just Changing Your Job Won't Make You Live Happier.

2011-07-26T10:21:00.002-04:00

Yep, you read that title correctly--just changing your job won't necessarily help you live happier. So frequently when we are unhappy we are desperate, desperate for a change, desperate to be doing something different, desperate to have a new boss or new co-workers. When that desperation kicks in, usually our quality decision making kicks off. When we make decisions based on just leaving a bad job vs. having a plan for a new one we can get into trouble.

Now I am not saying that just quitting your job is always a problem, I know people (including myself) who have quit a job without another job just because we were D-O-N-E---DONE with our current jobs. But I also know that even if we didn't have another job we had a plan, a loose plan, but a plan. Maybe there was money saved up, school that was going to start soon or a temporary job that was opening. The point is there was a plan.

So often clients come into my office desperate to leave their jobs wanting a way out. Their temptation is to just quit their job and take the first available opening. Part of my job is to ease that desperation and help the client get clear on what do you want next? What areas of your life do you actually enjoy? How can we add more of that enjoyment into your life while looking at other options? What are some "out of the box" plan B's that can occur? So often it isn't that clients don't have a plan it is that they haven't given voice to the plan.

But bottom line it isn't just about your job. Your job is one part of your life, that yes can make the rest of your life miserable, but really ask yourself: Are there changes I could be making to my life that would make me happier while I develop a plan to find a new job and live happier? Finding a job that makes your heart sing is one part of a happy life. We also need to be engaging in activities that make our heart sing whether that be hanging with family, laughing with friends or playing golf on a Saturday morning. Sometimes when we are completely miserable in our jobs we forget there are other activities that make us happy.

So rather then bailing on a job we hate and potentially ending up in more pain and misery we can develop a plan of attack. We can start to develop a two fold plan, one which puts as many soul feeding activities in our lives as possible while figuring out how to remove ourselves from a job that makes us miserable.

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Wanting help with changing your job? Click here to schedule your free 20 minute Get to Know you Session where we can talk on the phone get to know each other better!! Not in Columbus--no worries I also work via phone and Skype!!

Why The Internet is Hurting your Job Search

2011-07-20T18:45:00.000-04:00

Earlier this week I had a new client, he came into my office completely frustrated by his job search experience. Lost and flabbergasted he found my website, liked my stuff and scheduled an appointment. First words out of his mouth are "I have applied to over 300 jobs and have heard nothing back". These words are not uncommon in my office. Inevitably my next question is "What type of jobs are you applying for?" and inevitably comes the answer "Oh, I don't know...whatever I can find that sounds appealing".

Upon further discussion it was revealed that he was spending hours a day sitting in front of his computer applying to various jobs using Monster, CraigsList and CareerBuilder and getting nowhere. He is not alone, MOST of my clients who are looking for a new job start their search by spending hours if not days in front of the computer searching and applying for jobs, to no avail.

In some ways technology is a wonderful thing. At our fingertips we have access to countless resources, vast amounts of information and overwhelming opportunities. Over the past few years job searching has changed dramatically. Gone are the days of buying the Sunday paper and circling in big red ink the jobs that sound appealing. Now in a matter of minutes we can have access to 100s if not 1000s of jobs. It can be overwhelming and mind blowing. But in reality the job search process hasn't changed that much. We still have one or two HR people who are responsible for hiring for the all open positions. While job searchers may have greater access to the job possibilities the HR folk are still left with sorting through countless resumes on top of their already full plates of doing their jobs.

Job searching is exhausting, time consuming, ego bruising work. So for all of you job searchers out there, today I am going to ask you to pause your internet surfing (after reading this of course) and try some new (maybe just tried and true) job search ideas.

Be Specific: Know What you Want to Do. Know the type of job you are applying for and tailor your resume to fit that job. You may have an accounting degree and know you want to be working in that field but what SPECIFICALLY do you want to be doing? What type of environment do you want to be working in? The more specific you can get on where you want to be and what you want to be doing the easier it is to tailor your resume.

Resume=Skimmable: Number one thing I tell clients when they come in for a resume review--you have 10 seconds to make an impression so it better be skimmable. That means, use bold and italics strategically, use bullet statements and make sure your resume fits the job posting. If I am reading your resume I should know in 10 seconds if you are qualified for my job opening or not.

Apply Through the Company Site When you Can: I admit we live in a computerized world so you need to use the computer for some of your job search. Craigslist, Monster and CareerBuilder are great for finding jobs but when you can apply on the company website do it. Not only will it allow you to learn more about the company but when you are networking (see number 4) and the individual asks if you applied on the company website you can say yes!

Network, Network, Network: This is tried and true advice which still holds true. Whether you are just trying to figure out what you want to do or trying to get a specific career you HAVE to network. You have to get away from your computer, out of your house and interact with the world! Yes, Linked-In is a great way to meet people it is a fabulous way to connect AND THEN ask to meet people face to face in person!!

Bottom line job searching is about knowing what you want, fine tuning your resume to show your talents, applying for jobs and then strategically meeting people who can help you.

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Need help in your job search? Click here to schedule your free 20 minute Get to Know you Session where we can talk on the phone get to know each other better!! Not in Columbus--no worries I also work via phone and Skype!!

Is it Luck?

2011-07-07T09:58:00.000-04:00

I'm back!!! I apologize for the LONG delay between posts, I took some time off from blogging to plan our wedding--which took way more time and energy then I was expecting. But in the end was totally worth it. So please allow me a quick gush about our wedding--which was just as we wanted, intimate, playful, and full of love and laughter. From the sno-Kones to the s'mores to the swimming and dancing (not to mention the ceremony and vows we both wrote) it was a wonderful, non-conventional wedding!!! To say the least I am thrilled to be married to my nearest and dearest and in the throes of newlywed gagginess.

A repeated conversation my nearest and dearest and I have is that I say "we are so lucky" and he responds with "it's not all luck, we work at this too". It has turned into a playful banter conversation, but over the past few weeks I have been wondering about how much luck plays into happiness. Our story is an amazing one full of twists and turns, yet somehow we made it back to each other (luck) and somehow we talked through and discussed all the twists and turns to get where we are today (work). So much of our relationship is built on awareness, curiosity, checking in, communicating and being present all which some might say is work (but doesn't really feel like it at the time). In short, we are very intentional about our relationship and about keeping it fresh, intimate and loving. It is work and we are lucky. However, our lives are not perfect, we have our struggles as well, with serious illnesses, self doubt, neurotic tendencies, and just the struggles of daily life. But we are intentional about those as well, intentional about grieving the losses, exploring the feelings of self doubt and celebrating the small victories we have in our life.

Similarly I think when we are looking at our lives from a big picture and looking at how to Live Happier and Work Happier, how to find a career that is rewarding, a relationship that is fulfilling and a life that is rich and deep it requires a sense of intentionality. A sense of awareness and analyzation. As I have said before this stuff is not easy. It is not for the faint of heart to grab life by the horns and take the crazy ride but it is SO worth it.

So yes I believe some luck is involved in living happier, some of us are born into money or more loving and caring families. Some of us get a 'leg up' when we enter the world. But I don't necessarily believe that makes one happy. The happiest people I know are from a variety of backgrounds, rich, poor, children of abuse, children of loving supportive families. Their 'circumstances' don't make them happy, it is their attitude and their intentionality around life that make them happy. It is the embracing of all that there is the good and the bad, celebrating with wild abandon and grieving with great sorrow.

But I am curious on your take...what role do you think luck plays in happiness?

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Want to get more intentional about living your life? Click here to schedule your free 20 minute Get to Know you Session where we can talk on the phone get to know each other better!! Not in Columbus--no worries I also work via phone and Skype!!

The Gift of Sharing

2011-05-25T11:33:00.000-04:00

Today I am writing while hanging at the Denver airport--honestly 24 hours ago this was the LAST place I thought I would be today. A friend of mine is moving from the west coast to the east coast and while his wife was flying with their children to their new home, he was going to be driving their 2 dogs across country. If there is one thing I love it is a good road trip, so a few weeks ago we concocted this scheme that I would fly half way across the country (Lincoln, NE) and he would pick me up and we would continue on the journey. It was going to be my last hurrah as a single girl, a crazy adventure like I have done a million times before (and know I will continue to do post-marriage) my warped version of a bachelorette party. Yet here I sit in the Denver airport waiting to catch my flight back to Columbus, while my friend begins day 3 of his road trip. After a series of flight cancellations, killer storms, long lines, cranky travelers, a hotel stay and 3-4 trips through security I gave up my quest and now plan to head back home.

So this morning as I climbed into the hotel shuttle to head back to the airport, I was surprised that the first thing I did was strike up a conversation with the people in the seat next to me. A little background I rarely strike up a conversation with strangers other than the usual banal chatter. A full on conversation such as 'where are you headed?' 'why are you here?' Is rare for me. I am happy to engage when someone asks me but I am not usually the instigator. But this morning I think I have struck up 4-5 conversations with random people, because bottom line I needed to tell my story. I needed to share my disappointment, my anger, my exhaustion with someone. I needed someone to witness that yes, this is a bummer and wow that really sucks.

In the scheme of life, missing flights and having a vacation canceled is not that big of a trauma--especially this morning when I saw the news of all the people truly effected by the storms that canceled my flight last night with loss of homes, businesses and lives. But to me in my life it was a disappointment. I realized the more I shared my story and the more people that witnessed it the better I felt, the less angry I was, the less disappointed, the more perspective I gained.

This experience, reconfirmed for me the power of not only sharing our stories but truly listening when someone shares their stories to us. There is a healing that occurs when we open up and share our stories, share our tears, our frustrations, our joys and our fears. It is when we walk around stoic and 'brave' that our stories get cemented, the bitterness grows the fears take over and we become paralyzed.
So today share a story you have been keeping down, pick a complete stranger or a close friend and share what's really going on. Maybe it is you hate your job, or you think you want to make a change but don't know how, or you are frustrated with your boss/partner/friend/mother/father etc. Whatever it is let it out. And when someone on a plane, strikes up a conversation with you--take 5 minutes from your book and just listen--remind yourself we all have a story and some times it just needs to get out.

Wedding Planning and Life Lessons

2011-05-19T14:40:00.000-04:00

I apologize for the pause in blog posting. Life has been a blur of working, wedding preparations, and traveling. The bulk of that being wedding prep--we are a little more than a month away from our wedding and to say I am feeling overwhelmed by it all would be an understatement. Wedding planning has been a true test for me in practicing what I preach with my clients and I wanted to share a few things I have confirmed and discovered along the way:

Living by your values requires constant reassessment: From the very beginning we were clear what we wanted with our wedding--we knew we wanted a celebration that uniquely expressed us, we wanted our friends and family to feel important, we wanted our vows to be a serious memorable time and we wanted to have fun laid back party including swimming and dancing (and not just regular dancing but bust a move, sweat through your shirt dancing). Throughout the process I can't count the number of times I have turned to my nearest and dearest and said "does this fit the vision?" We have constantly reassessed and made sure that each decision fits into the final vision. So too with life we need to be constantly evaluating and checking-in that we are on the right path, living our vision and doing small and consistent activities to fulfill the long term goals.

Flexibility is key: Although we have consistently kept to the vision there are a few things I said, 'no way' to initially that are now a part of the ceremony. Either because they were important to someone involved or because they added to the 'flow' of the event. I have been surprised at the amount of flexibility and adjustment that has been needed in planning one event. As in life, surprises happen, life throws stuff at us all the time and we need to flow and sway with what happens. These adjustments and changes were made easier because I knew we had the big vision, we had our core values and even though the changes might not have fit my initial ideas, they didn't upset the big vision. Which is why I encourage all my clients to know their values, because then as life throws road blocks and new ideas at us, we can adjust accordingly based on our values.

Don't take it too seriously. This is a BIG one for me--I tend to be a bit intense, perfectionist and type A so letting go and not getting caught up on details is a bit of a challenge for me. Fortunately my nearest and dearest is always there to balance me out and remind me "does this really matter?". Yet another reason why the big vision is so important to me because when I catch myself spinning out over programs or center pieces I can remind myself of what is most important and move on. As is true in life sometimes we get so caught up in the details and the drama we forget what is most important, our big vision, our values.

So stay tuned for more updates and also to hear about some of the awesome Work Happier events I have coming up this summer post-wedding.

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Want to figure out your big vision? Click here to schedule your free 20 minute Get to Know you Session where we can talk on the phone get to know each other better!! Not in Columbus--no worries I also work via phone and Skype!!

Waiting for the If Only....

2011-05-05T12:09:00.000-04:00

Recently I came home from a gathering with a group of friends. I had fun, but some of the discussion left me feeling a little sad and out of sorts, as I drove home feeling sad I started thinking an old familiar thought "if only I had someone special in my life then this wouldn't matter". Embarrassingly I allowed myself to flow down that thought path for a few moments before I realized, wait a minute, I have someone in special in my life, in all honesty I have many 'special someone's' in my life, but specifically I have a nearest and dearest. And then I got a little more sad when I realized how that old tape just plays there over and over saying if only...

A little background, I have been single much of my adult life. Much of my twenties and thirties were spent pouring myself into my career and secretly hoping to find a nearest and dearest that would make all my woes disappear.
Had a bad day "If only I had a nearest and dearest to share this with life would be better"
Fight with a friend "If only I could rely on a nearest and dearest"
Feeling sick "If only I had someone to take care of me",
Feeling sad about my dad's Parkinson's illness "If only my I had a nearest and dearest to ease this burden" and on and on and on.

ANYTIME something was out of sorts I would blame it on not having a significant other--it was my go to, fix all, catch all reason I was unhappy. That if only tape allowed me to move around a lot of uncomfortable emotions because any time I felt any uncomfortable emotion, sadness, anger, doubt, or fear I would shut it down, excuse it and put it in the if only box.

And now amazingly I have a nearest and dearest, a warm caring couldn't-have-made-him-up-to-be-more-perfect-for-me, guy and yep there are times when I drive home upset and sad about something. And yes, I have him to talk to about it and yes I have him to take care of me when I am sick, and yes there are times it makes life easier. But really as wonderful as he is, he doesn't have magical powers, he can't make my colds go away, he can't heal my father (although he does a great job of making him laugh), he can't make my neurosis vanish. All of that stuff, that life-being-human-sometimes annoying emotional stuff that is the stuff I have to handle. That is the stuff that makes life rich and gooey and challenging and joyful. And while, yes I can experience it with him it share my joys and sorrows with him, at the end of the day I have to figure out how to make myself happy.

So as I rode in the car, realizing for that my catch all unhappiness 'if only' was gone I had a moment of mourning. I realized the last thing I wanted to do was create another substitute 'if only'. Then came a 'growing up' moment, if you will, a moment of relief. A moment of realizing, it is all within my capabilities there isn't a magical if only it is all just life. It is up to me to deal with my emotions as they arise rather than pouring them all into the 'if only' excuse. I admit after the initial shock, it was rather freeing. I also admit that I have caught myself more than once since the realization saying "if only I had a significant other" and just allowed a little grin to spread across my face. And then I asked myself, "what's really going on here, what emotion are you trying to ignore" and inevitable some uncomfortable emotion springs forth.

If only's don't just have to be significant others then can be if only:
you had the perfect job
the kids were grown,
you got the promotion,
you won the lottery
on and on and on.

We tend to look for the magic bullet, the place to pour all our excuses and uncomfortableness so we don't have to deal with it. What is your if-only? Is it still true? How is it serving you and how is it holding you back?

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Want to see what's under your "if only"? Click here to schedule your free 20 minute Get to Know you Session where we can talk on the phone get to know each other better!! Not in Columbus--no worries I also work via phone and Skype!!

Wondering Wednesday: What are your unique gifts?

2011-05-04T17:20:00.000-04:00

Thanks to Dr. Keats for the cool photo!

Today is a writing day for me. Every couple of weeks I take a day to not see clients and just write/catch up on paperwork etc. To be honest it hasn't been a very productive work day--I have had a writers/creativity block all day. So I have spent the day paying bills-cleaning the kitchen and debating with my nearest and dearest how to ease the temporary flood in our back yard.

I knew when I started out the day reading Facebook/scanning other blogs and watching Ted.com--I was in trouble. I have this challenge of comparing myself to other people and the negative messages fly through my head taking up much of the afternoon. Until I stumbled upon Malcolm Gladwell speaking on pasta sauce (see ted.com isn't all bad). You can watch the entertaining/inspiring video below.

While watching Malcolm regale the audience with information about the secret to selling pasta sauce I was reminded of a key component to happiness--celebrating our uniqueness. It is a component that gets lost when I start comparing myself to other people, or when my self talk includes more 'shoulds' than 'wants'. It is when I am celebrating my uniqueness, using my own strengths,sharing my own story and writing my own lessons that I feel best about my work as a writer and a therapist. I was reminded of the a simple concept--we are all unique and there is no right way to happiness!

I was struck by how often in my office clients come in not having any ideas about their unique gifts and views. Inevitably every one of my clients says, "I have no idea what I want to do with the rest of my life" or some form of that statement. And inevitably after a session or two their unique gifts start to appear, and they start to look at themselves through different eyes. They start to see themselves not as the image that has been crafted in their head by parent, teachers, friends, family or co-workers, but as a unique individual with special values, talents, goals and ambitions. Fortunately, it is my job to create a safe place for that uniqueness to take shape and be expressed.

Unfortunately in our society, uniqueness is not celebrated. We try to encourage it but honestly life is simpler if we all just get along and go along. If we all just conform to the 'norm' it involves a lot less thinking, a lot less awareness a lot less time and a lot less happiness. When we just 'go along' do what we think we SHOULD do versus what appeals to our gut, we sell ourselves and our talents short and we become a shell of who we really could be.

Which brings me back to my writers block...this am as I scanned the blogs, obsessed about what all the successful people were doing on Ted.com and generally just hammering myself silly--I realized I wasn't celebrating my uniqueness...my talents...my callings. I was too busy comparing myself to other people. When I stopped doing that, allowed myself some freedom to express myself this post came forth (and so did a few others.... to be posted soon). So today I ask you--what are your unique gifts? What do you want to express to the world (or maybe just to your neighborhood)? Let's start sharing our gifts and living and working happier in the process!!!

Want to finally answer the question "What do I want to do with my life"? Click here to schedule your free 20 minute Get to Know you Session where we can talk on the phone and start brainstorming and allowing you to live happier!! Not in Columbus--no worries I also work via phone and Skype!!

Let's Talk About It

2011-04-28T15:29:00.001-04:00

Earlier this week I wrote a blog about women living their lives at half steam because of the relationships in their lives. While I thought it might strike a cord with some people I was surprised to see with whom. Even though I was writing about and for women, I have had more responses from men then women. I had men e-mail me, men respond via facebook and the men in my life (including my nearest and dearest) weigh in on the subject.

I have to admit I thought I might hear from some men. But I thought I would hear, "what about us...we sacrifice our dreams for relationships". Because that is true...we all sacrifice for our relationships. But what I heard from the men out there, warmed my heart and was pleasantly surprising. They said, "I don't want the women in our lives to feel this way" "I want them to have a life that makes their heart sing, including their job" I have to admit it gave me a lot of hope about the relationships in the world--these men who are wanting to support and encourage the women in their lives.

So it got me thinking about this epidemic the idea that we are living half lived lives because we feel too many SHOULDs or IF ONLYs. Because we are waiting until we meet our partner, have kids, the kids grow up, or even retirement to fulfill our dreams we are missing out on a lot of life. A lot of time.

I believe step one is to start talking about it. Let's start asking ourselves and each other--am I happy? am I putting my life on hold for my relationships? And if the answer is yes, what small changes can I make to live differently. I am not advocating for us all to leave our families and head back to the workforce or plow full speed ahead into our careers and forget our dreams of finding a mate and building a family. I am advocating having a conversation with yourself and those closest to you. Let's start sharing what's holding us back from making our heart's sing and maybe together we can come up with a plan.

The male responses to my blog post made me realize again that we are in this together, we are all trying to do the best we can with what we have, we are trying to support each other. Sometimes we just don't know how.

I believe, by living a life that is authentic, genuine, and honest we can live happier and work happier. First step--speak your truth.

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Need some help expanding your definition of self and what makes you happier? Click here to schedule your free 20 minute Get to Know you Session where we can talk on the phone and start brainstorming and allowing you to live happier!! Not in Columbus--no worries I also work via phone and Skype!!

Losing Your Happiness in Your Relationships

2011-04-26T15:37:00.000-04:00

Imagine the scenario: Two women are sitting on the subway both with a free hour to contemplate their lives. The first woman is in her late 30s, married with 3 kids and silently wishes to herself that she had more time for herself. She graduated from college, and had her own career when she met her now husband. Shortly after they were married she had her first child and quit her job to stay at home with her children She knew she never really wanted to be a career women, so it was ok that she didn't love her job anymore. Now eight years later her children are beyond needing her 24/7 but she has no idea what she wants to do for a career so she keeps devoting herself to her children. When she is honest with herself she admits she wants more then just being a wife and mother but doesn't know what's next, she doesn't know what would make her heart sing.

The second woman, is also in her late 30s she has never been married and although she has had a series of long term relationships. She has a job that is so-so but when she is honest with herself she really wanted to get married and have kids. Basically she has put her dreams and aspirations on hold waiting to get married and have a family. However, now she realizes that getting married and having kids might not be in the cards for her so she needs to start figuring out what career would make her heart sing.

Both of these scenarios have become more common in my practice--women who are admitting to themselves and to me that they want more our of life, they want to work happier.

What strikes me about both of these scenarios, is the amount of SHOULDS that are felt by each of the women. On one hand, woman one feels incomplete for 'settling' into mommydom and losing herself to her kids. And then she feels selfish for thinking she wants more out of her life than her kids. She wanted to be a mom shouldn't that be enough? So in order to avoid the plethora of negative voices, she keeps plugging along being mom and not ever facing the pain and loss of not figuring out what would truly make her happier. Woman two, feels bad for 'settling' in a unfulfilling job while she waited to find a partner and have children. She feels like less of a woman because she is waiting 'for a man' but also because she can't fulfill the one thing in her life she wants...a family. Both women are silently hammering themselves for the choices they are making based on their dreams, relationships and aspirations in their lives.

The thing about should messages is that they breed shame and guilt which in turn breed silence and isolation. Whatever your story or scenario when you start hiding parts of yourself we can't possible live and work happier. My hope in writing this post was that women of all relationship statuses could start supporting each other on the fact that they want to live and work happier PERIOD. We all want to live our best lives, be our best selves and when we are hammering ourselves with should messages we are pigeon holing ourselves into mediocrity. Life is meant to be rich and colorful and made up of a variety of roles....mothers, girlfriends, partners, lovers, wives, friends, aunts, nieces, employee, entrepreneur, artist or athlete. The trick is to embrace them all.

What SHOULDS are you feeling? How are you challenging yourself to live and work happier within your relationships?

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A Strong Person Knows How to be Vulnerable

2011-04-21T09:42:00.001-04:00

Last week I received an e-mail forward, I admit I usually don't read them but this one entitled A Strong Person intrigued me. The first line said--A Strong Person knows how to keep their life in order. Even with tears in their eyes, they manage to say, "I'm OK" with a smile. As I read that line I immediately cringed. It has taken me years to resolve my own internal war over the definition of a strong person. From my German heritage to our Puritan Culture I was repeatedly told 'put on your brave face', 'stay strong'. A STRONG person doesn't let them see you sweat, a STRONG person puts on a front and pretends all is well when in reality they are crumbling,

Well I call BS on that statement. This idea of being STRONG has caused many of us to live lives of quiet desperation. To 'suck it up' rather then ask the question, how can I do it differently? To put all their energy into 'looking ok' they never have the chance to really experience the emotions and grow from them. In my mind a strong person, admits it's hard, a strong person allows themselves to have a good long cry, screaming match or hissy fit. A strong person expresses the necessary emotions and allows themselves to feel the vulnerability and lack of control. A strong person admits everything is not ok, and asks for help when necessary. A strong person shows there emotions AND picks up the pieces and moves on. A strong person does BOTH.

Because when we don't experience the emotions, don't express the pain in the presence of another person and have a witness to our lives and our experience, we can't grow from it, we can't spiral up. When we suck it up, say "I'm OK with a smile", then we aren't being genuine human beings.

Sometimes life is hard, sometimes we are dealt a series of blows, sometimes we are exhausted, tired, frustrated and just plain sad. It is in those times we need to admit our struggles, admit our exhaustion and lean on those close to us for a little support. Strength comes from vulnerability not from bravery.

The times in my life when the most changes have occurred are those times when I have been on my knees, crying in exhaustion, weak and vulnerable and I have said I need to find a different way. Tired and weary from 'being strong" I have allowed myself to admit my weakness and then I have sought to make a change.

Living Happier means experiencing the ying and yang of life. Being 'strong' and being 'vulnerable' both in their own time. When we are too much of any one thing we miss out on the richness of life. When we get stuck in our fear we aren't serving ourselves anymore then when we are stuck in our strength--but we need to experience BOTH to move through life in a healthier, happier way.

What do you think? What does the phrase Be Strong mean to you?

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Wanting to Live and Work Happier? Click here to schedule your free 20 minute Get to Know you Session where we can talk on the phone and start brainstorming and allowing you to live happier!! Not in Columbus--no worries I also work via phone and Skype!!

How Facebook is Normalizing Work Place Misery

2011-04-18T15:31:00.000-04:00

I admit I am addicted to Facebook--for some reason I just really enjoy checking other people's status' seeing what they are up to. I am not a big sharer about my status or what I am doing but I like to follow other people. (you can follow me here) However, recently I have really noticed the trend of work place complaining. More specifically the trend of celebrating workplace misery.

Around every water-cooler in America there has always been 'a countdown to the weekend' vibe. But Facebook takes it to a whole new level. Monday morning's start out with the inevitable "I hate Mondays" status updates and then Wednesday is the traditional "welcome to hump day" messages and then Thursday and Friday have the "almost the weekend" messages. When I really started paying attention to it I realized, we are a nation miserable at our jobs. Not a huge realization mind you, but the part that really bothered me was how much Facebook normalizes that sentiment. One of my friend's laments how much they hate Monday morning and within 30 minutes 10 people are 'liking' that post. Really, liking the fact that you are miserable in your job? Liking that fact that the main place you spend your time makes you miserable?? Liking that in all honesty only 2 days out of your week you are truly happy?

In essence Facebook is a place to gain support, share your victories and your misery but misery becomes the celebrated status quo I have to question it. If someone repeatedly posted that they hated their wife/partner there would be an out cry of 'do something about it!' 'stop complaining' but for some reason in our society hating on your job is not only acceptable it is socially 'cool'.

When you think about it we spend 40+ hours of our week at our jobs, that is 1,960 hours a year (assuming you take 2 weeks vacation and all the national holidays) and 78,400 hours over 40 years. Almost 22% of our lives between the ages of 25 and 65 are spent at work. Why would we want to be unhappy for 22% of our lives?

In all honesty, it's not about posting status' on Facebook it has nothing to do with Facebook. It is paying attention to how we talk, what we complain about and how we can make it better. If you find yourself counting down to the weekend, LIVING for Friday night, dreading Monday mornings it is time to make a shift.

Today I am writing to break the trance of common misery. To break the cycle of not only being unhappy about what you are doing for a living but celebrating that fact with other people. If you are unhappy in your work let's take a look at that--let's find something better to do, a better way to make money, a better way to spend 22% of your adult years. Let's find a way to make you work happier!!!

Want to follow me on Facebook?? Click here to join my Fan Page.

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Tired of dreading the work week? Click here to schedule your free 20 minute Get to Know you Session where we can talk on the phone and start brainstorming and allowing you to live happier!! Not in Columbus--no worries I also work via phone and Skype!!

It's Not Just About Career

2011-04-07T09:52:00.000-04:00

This is a re-print of an article that I wrote for my newsletter this week. Enjoy!! Click here to sign up for my bi-monthly newsletter.

I adore being a career counselor, it is my calling, my gift and my passion. Helping people figure out what makes their heart sing and then guiding them down the path to achieving it is an amazing career.
Honestly people come see me for a variety of reasons, they are unhappy in their jobs, fed up by their job search, frustrated by their career path or just downright unhappy. Regardless of why, people are unhappy in their careers and so they seek out help. But what I have found is life is not a series of silos. We aren't divided into career, family, personal relationships, or friendships. We are all connected, if we are unhappy at work we are probably unhappy at home. If we have low confidence at work we probably take some of that home (whether through stress, exhaustion or anxiety). So our lack of fulfillment in our career effects all areas of our life. Therefore when people are not working happier they are not living happier. Their desire to come see me is not JUST about their career. It is my job as a career counselor to help people live and work happier in their career while also seeing the big picture that life is inter-connected.

To that same degree, frequently finding the perfect job or right career is only one-quarter of the battle. It is a fabulous exciting time full of self exploration, dreaming big, looking at values, passions and somedays. And then we find it, we figure out what would make your heart sing. Then the true work begins. This time is when people start diving into their job search, working on your resume and/or applying to grad schools. That is when people start battling the fear monger, the self doubt, the low confidence and anxiety that comes up.

When I first started my career counseling practice, I only worked with helping people figure out what makes their heart sing. I didn't work with resume, job search or grad school applications. And then I realized, my clients were only getting a quarter of the way to Living and WOrking Happier. Much of the tough stuff comes up once the decision is made. The challenges arise after we figure out what makes your heart sing.

Career Counseling is so much more than just figuring out your next career. It is determining what you value, what you are passionate about, what makes your heart sing. It is facing the fears, doubts and 'what-ifs' to find a job that your a passionate about. It is about building a support system, life balance and a self care system. It is about having a guide, advocate and counselor help you through the entire process. It is about Working AND Living Happier!!

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Having trouble finding your smile lately? Click here to schedule your free 20 minute Get to Know you Session where we can talk on the phone and start brainstorming and allowing you to live happier!! Not in Columbus--no worries I also work via phone and Skype!!

Wondering Wednesday: What Makes You Smile?

2011-04-06T11:46:00.000-04:00

Photo credit to D. Sharon Pruitt

Today for Wondering Wednesday we are going back to basics. Take a deep breathe (or 2 or 3) and think about the last time you genuinely smiled. What were you doing? Think about all the activities, people, hobbies, work or interests that you engage in throughout the day/week/years and pay attention to those that make you smile. A true genuine, feel it in the pit of your stomach smile--not the fake, smile until you make it smile, but a real smile. I'm just asking for a smile here, not a full out giddy celebration just a smile. What makes you feel better about life? What touches you to the point it can be seen on your face? What allows you to relax enough that your expression change?

Maybe it is playing in the surf and sand, hanging with certain friends, thinking about a loved one, crawling into a warm, soft bed, curling up with a good book and a glass of wine, working out, doing yoga or just feeling the warm sun on your face.

The beauty of this question is it makes us more aware of our bodies, our joy and our life happiness. When you start paying attention to what makes you smile, you can A. start enjoying those times more and being more aware of them and B. start adding more 'smiling' time into your day to day life.

Smiling is a gift we give ourselves and those close to us. It is contagious and joyful. Smiling makes us live and work happier :)

So what 5 things make your smile? Share them in the comments....I'll go first.

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Having trouble finding your smile lately? Click here to schedule your free 20 minute Get to Know you Session where we can talk on the phone and start brainstorming and allowing you to live happier!! Not in Columbus--no worries I also work via phone and Skype!!

Life is like a Jar of Peanut Butter

2011-04-05T15:46:00.000-04:00

The other day my nearest and dearest and I were talking about peanut butter. Really we were talking about all the various types of peanut butter that are available these days vs. when we were growing up. When I was little you could get creamy or crunchy. I can vaguely remember when they came up with the peanut butter and jelly combo in one jar--but other than that it was pretty basic. Today you can get creamy, crunchy, natural, sugar-free and low fat. Not to mention the various other 'butters': almond butter, cashew butter and even sunflower seed butter!! And we haven't even tapped in to all the brand names and butter makers.

So what does the addition of all sorts of peanut butters have to do with working happier you ask? Well in our home all things lead to careers--and this one actually came from my nearest and dearest. As we were standing in the living room discussing how far butters have come he turned to me and said 'it's like careers!' And I looked puzzled at him and he went on to explain how when we were younger the 'career options' were equally as limited (Especially for women but I'm not going to get in to that in this blog) Growing up we could be nurses, teachers, fire fighters or doctors. Our options were more limited: we could be salespeople, mail people, veterinarian or dentists. At that point, massage therapists, counselors, life coaches, SEO experts or holistic healers either didn't exist or weren't well known.

Unfortunately we still get stuck in creamy vs. crunch we still limit ourselves to what we knew as a child. But today we have more variety, more options and more choices. If you allow yourself to dream big and look beyond the standard every day job options we can find new/different jobs that might make your heart sing.

The beauty of living and working happier is being open to the variety that is available to us. When we can get beyond the 'standard options' we can expand our thoughts, expand our options and therefore expand our lives.

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Want to figure out what your options are? Click here to schedule your free 20 minute Get to Know you Session where we can talk on the phone and start brainstorming and allowing you to live happier!! Not in Columbus--no worries I also work via phone and Skype!!

Wondering Wednesday: In what areas of your life do you need to slow down and savor?

2011-03-30T13:51:00.011-04:00

Today is Wondering Wednesday--the day of the week that we discuss a question that makes you go hmmm. Today's Wondering Wednesday is in what areas of your life do you need to slow down?

This questions is insprired by the video above that a friend of mine introduced to me about slowing down. Actually it was created in Australia as a public service announcement to get drives to stop speeding, but they went about it in a totally unique way. They actually display the benefits of slowing down, the positives of moving at a slower pace.

As I watched the video I thought of there areas where I operate on full speed, where I push myself too hard. One obviously is the car, I tend to be a speeder. I confess the biggest area I speed through is in my business, I tend to try to check things off the list, accomplish goals and set new ones with minimal time for celebration. Unfortunately because I am moving so fast sometimes I miss those celebrations, I miss figuring out where I want to go next or what transition I want to make. I get so far ahead of myself that I lose the joy and the passion in my career. I think this happens to all of us, we get so caught up in 'what's next,' or our to-do list we forget the true reason we started the to-do list in the first place.

Fortunately, there are definitely times I pause, when I meet with a client, eating dinner with my nearest and dearest, walking my dog through the neighborhood, or having coffee with a friend. The trick is adding more of these times into my life so I have natural 'slow down' spots in my life. So when I get amped up too much in my business I can stop and regroup.

I wanted to share this video as a reminder that slowing down, savoring and truly enjoying it is what allows us to live happier. It allows us to pause, reflect and gives us time to figure out what moves we might need to make next to build happier lives.

So where do you need to implement some 'slow spots' into your life? What are some ways you slow yourself down?

Please feel free to share in the comment section--I'll go first...

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Want to figure out what truly matters to you? Click here to schedule your free 20 minute Get to Know you Session where we can talk on the phone and start brainstorming and allowing you to live happier!! Not in Columbus--no worries I also work via phone and Skype!!

Happiness isn't Overrated--Our Definition is.

2011-03-29T13:40:00.000-04:00

Credit: Is Happiness Overrated? WSJ

A few weeks ago my mom passed an article to me from the Wall Street Journal called: Is Happiness Overrated? There are a lot of books, articles, speakers talking about how happiness is overrated. Mostly from what I can tell the one thing this messages all have in common is their definition of happiness.

The idea that we can one day experience joy 24/7 have moments of sheer bliss and excitement is in my opinion a myth. The idea isn't to be utterly blissed out all the time. The idea is to experience life with as much purpose, awareness and honesty as possible. I think we hit a snag when we believe that we can maintain the pleasure and joy that comes from achieving a goal, winning a prize, and buying a new house, every day of our lives.

The bottom line, life is challenging, there is death, destruction, tsunamis, nuclear disasters all mixed in with promotions, births, marriages, new jobs and the experience of a really fantastic meal with good friends.

I don't believe happiness is overrated--I believe our definition of happiness is overrated. I am not saying we need to start 'settling'. Quite the opposite I believe we need to start engaging. Stop striving for that next taste of happiness and start engaging with what we have now. Start embracing our lives with curiosity and awareness. Figuring out our sense of purpose, our reason for being on this planet and going after that full tilt, according to research THAT makes us happy. But when we are constantly 'chasing' the ever allusive happiness, we miss the every day joys of dinner with your nearest and dearest, the greeting of your dog first thing in the morning, the first feel of sunshine through your sunroof in the Spring or simply crawling in to bed at the end of the day.

According to Dr. Diener a professor at the University of Illinois--Happiness comes from a focus on relationship and doing the work that you love!! Living and Working Happier--embracing the life you have while discovering the life that makes your heart sing--that's happiness in my book.

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Want to start working happier? Click here to schedule your free 20 minute Get to Know you Session where we can talk on the phone and start figuring out how to help you live happier!! Not in Columbus--no worries I also work via phone and Skype!!

Wondering Wednesday: What strategies do you use to handle stress?

2011-03-23T13:48:00.000-04:00

Life is stressful. Day to day stressors can be enough to overwhelm us, and then from time to time we are thrown bigger more exhausting life stressors to deal with on top of that. From finding your perfect career to doing a job search the process of change can be exhausting. I admit lately, for myself I have been pretty stressed with life and this morning decided I need to remind myself of some stress relievers to ease the overwhelm. So since it is Wondering Wednesday I thought I would throw it out to my readers too and ask--What do you do when you are feeling overwhelmed by life? What are some methods you use to calm yourself down?

Here are some general ideas I use on a regular basis:
Talk to friends: My friends are an invaluable resource. Reaching out and gaining support (as well as enjoying a little laughter) can go a long way in easing the stress.

Move your Body: Whether it is a hard core workout or taking the dog for a walk, get out of the house, out of the stress and move your body. Our bodies release natural stress reducing chemicals that can help relax us.

Breathe: Sometimes in the midst of stress we forget to take deep breathes. I have to regularly implement the take three deep breaths mantra into my daily life.

Regroup: For me when I am stressed I need time alone, time to regroup. Time to read, veg in front of the TV, or play mindless video games. Time to just be.

Treat yourself; Maybe it is a warm bubble bath, a glass of wine (not the whole bottle, mind you, just a glass) a piece of chocolate or a favorite movie. Something that let's you feel special and supported.

I would love to get some ideas for how you deal with stress? What do you do to unwind, relax, and regroup? See you in the comments section.

The Beauty of Learning and Re-Learning

2011-03-21T16:57:00.000-04:00

Marilyn had spent many hours sitting at the bedside of her dying mother. . .most of the time Marilyn’s mother remained unconscious. . .One morning before dawn, she suddenly opened her eyes and looked clearly and intently at her daughter. “You know,” she whispered softly, “all my life I thought something was wrong with me". Shaking her head slightly, as if to say, “what a waste”, she closed her eyes and drifted back into a coma.-

--From the Book Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach

I think I have read this quote a million times, ok maybe more like 25 but still I have read it frequently and every time I read it takes my breath away. Such a tragic statement--but so universal. How many of us walk through life thinking something is wrong with us?? That we aren't strong enough, happy enough, smart enough , cute enough etc. What amazes me most about this quote is that every time I read it I have the same wow moment, the same feeling of tragedy and sadness and then the same thought of I don't want this to happen to me. And then I go forth in my life, having good days and bad days and a few months later I pick up this book, read this line and think Oh my--that is so profound...I don't want that to happen to me and I have a similar 'ah-ha' moment. Discouraging no? I would actually argue no--well I would actually argue yes with a caveat. Yes, it can be discouraging that sometimes we need to be reminded repeatedly about an old lesson. It can be discouraging that we feel like we are re-learning things over and over. In reality, we are what I call spiraling up--we might be learning the same lesson again--but we are only learning bits of it again, not the whole lesson. Now we are learning the lesson from where we are now vs where we were before.

The first time I read Tara's book Radical Acceptance the whole notion that I was lovable, worth valuable period was radical. I remember writing it down on a piece of paper and looking at it each morning with a sense of wonder. I couldn't imagine a day when I wouldn't think something was wrong with me. Today I read that quote and I am reminded of the times that I feel something is wrong with me, they come in from time to time but they don't stick around for days or weeks on end. The concept that I am lovable as is--isn't foreign or new to me, it is something that I may need a gentle reminder about from time to time. So each time I read this quote I am reading it with new eyes, a fresh look at a familiar topic. An reminder of an old lesson from a new place.

This quote serves to remind us is that we all have these thoughts, we all think we are unworthy and unlovable. What I spend a majority of my job doing is helping people figure out not what they want to do for a career but helping them get out of their own way, helping them believe they are worthy of having a career that makes their heart sing. And I do believe fear, doubt and pain are all part of the human condition. As are hope, excitement, joy, desire, passion and happiness. The key is experiencing both--finding the yin and yang experiencing the pain without letting it hold us back from embracing the the joy and happiness.

So here is to spiraling up and embracing the learning and re-learning that happens every day!! Here's to changing the notion from something is wrong with me to I am a wonderful work in progress, learning and re-learning every day!!

Wondering Wednesday: What are your rules?

2011-03-16T17:14:00.000-04:00

Yesterday morning I was chatting with my nearest and dearest about the insane number of rules I have in my life. Every now and then I catch myself living unconsciously, reverting back to the old habit of beating myself up for all the rules I am not following. Most of my rules start out like this: Good people.... So I might say good people get up before 8pm, good people always read the paper, good people write their blogs first thing in the morning, good people respond to e-mails right away. So today's Wondering Wednesday question is what are your rules? What rules do you have that 'guide your life'? These rules can be rigid to free flowing, simple to complex. They appear unconsciously and they guide your life.

Yesterday I made it a point to listen to how many rules play in my head through out the day. When I heard one I would say it out loud. Fortunately, my nearest and dearest is a wonderful, patient man who listened each time I would discover a new rule. Throughout the day I asked various friends, family, even clients what rules they made up for themselves and without much of a pause they litanied off 2 or 3 various rules. The fascinating thing about these rules is that for some people the rule might be: good people get up early while others might have the complete opposite rule: good people sleep until they are well rested. THAT is the infallibility of these rules--they are illogical 'rules', messages we received years ago that we have swallowed hook line and sinker and now we believe them without even thinking about it.

As I started saying my rules out loud I realized that I really was setting myself up to lose because I never celebrated once I hit one of the rules--I only beat myself up if I didn't, So there was no winning in my rule game--only losing. What fun is that?? A game you can never win--TOTALLY exhausting. I believe unconsciously we create these rules in some strange way to help guide us through the grayness of life. As humans we want to know right and wrong, black and white--and one of the great human struggles is in reality there are no absolute, there is just a lot of gray. So we create these rules to help make sense of the gray. I believe on some level we are trying to help ourselves deal with the stress of life with these rules, which is why the more stressed we are the more rules seem to appear. Based on childhoods, personality types and life experience some of us are worse rule creators than others. I confess it is a problem that I continually work on.

I am amazed how frequently clients come in and are stuck on a certain career or refuse to choose a certain career--simply based on their rules. They have a rule that going back to school at 40 is a failure, changing careers is wrong or they really want to be a nurse but all nurses are mean because they had a nurse once who was mean. Regardless of WHY the rules are there, they have rules that limit their lives. Much of my work is bringing these rules to light and helping clients build awareness around them.

So today we are bringing our rules our into the open--the only way to defeat them is to start noticing them. To start announcing them out loud whether to your nearest and dearest, to yourself in the car or in the comment section of this blog. We have to start announcing our rules so we can begin to see the absurdity of this black and white thinking. I guarantee the more people that share the more people will have different rules about the same thing. Because here is the kicker--life doesn't really have a right way and a wrong way--it doesn't matter if you get up early, or sleep in until noon--we are all doing the best we can with what we have, trying to live happier more fulfilling lives--so give yourself a break and remember you are good, no matter what!!!

Please feel free to share in the comment section--I'll go first...

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Want to stop living your life based on irrational rules? Click here to schedule your free 20 minute Get to Know you Session where we can talk on the phone and start brainstorming and allowing you to live happier!! Not in Columbus--no worries I also work via phone and Skype!!

Work Happier Spotlight: Tara Sophia Mohr

2011-03-15T10:09:00.001-04:00

Today I am so excited to bring you my first ever audio Work Happier Spotlight. An interview with Tara Sophia Mohr. Tara is a life coach and writer, I have been following her blog Wise Living for awhile now and I find it extremely inspirational.

Tara has an interesting background--getting a degree in Poetry and from Yale and then her MBA from Stanford she brings a wonderful combination of the mystical and the practical into her work.

In the interview we discuss the power of fear in our lives as well as the issue of playing small vs. playing big. The interview is packed full of great information and also was a great challenge to the perfectionist in me to just go with it when glitches arose--you will hear what I mean.

Speaking of playing big--Tara is getting ready to launch a fantastic program called--Playing Big--which I am totally excited to be taking participating in. You can too! By clicking here.

Find out more about facing your fears, the power of the fear monger and Tara's new on-line course by clicking the play button below.

Click below to listen--the interview runs about 25 minutes.

If you are reading this via e-mail, click here to access the interview on the web.

Click here for more information

Blog posts we refer to during this interview.

A Lesson in Facing my Fear Monger

The Suffering of Fear

What is your Fear Monger Saying to You

Defeating the Fear Monger

Attack of the Fear Monger

Wondering Wednesday What makes your heart sing?

2011-03-09T10:25:00.000-05:00

In the spirit of following our hearts, living our lives with passion and letting go of the voice that says we are selfish, today's Wondering Wednesday question is what makes your heart sing? What makes you absolutely giddy? What causes you to get up off the couch and lose track of time for hours at a time? It could be something as small as reading a good book to teaching students the quadratic equation. Whatever it is the first step is to name it, then pay attention to what it feels like when you engage in it, figure out what you specifically enjoy about it and finally figure out how to add more of it to your life!!

The more we engage in activities that make our heart sing obviously the happier we are in our lives. Duh--it seems so simple, but in reality even though we know this principle we have a hard time implementing it. Life gets in the way...we get tired... beaten down... busy with other things... and we forget what it felt like to be engaged in life from the heart. We forget the utter joy that comes from living with passion. For most of us we only allow this feeling when we are on vacation--maybe you allow yourself to get lost in a really good mystery novel, or you spend hours studying the modern art in a museum, or your could swim for hours with the fish. We all know the feeling...and we deny ourselves that joy.

Once I started paying attention to what makes my heart sing and adding it to my life--I stopped saying to myself I SHOULD be happy--because it was then that I knew what made ME happy and I started to figure out how to implement. And still to this day after years of practicing, I get caught up in my to do list or my SHOULDs and I have to remind myself to get back to basic and go back to what I love. I sometimes have to physically pull myself off my treadmill (and thankfully have good friend who will pull me off too) and start adding 'heart singing activities'.

It is all a process and the process starts with naming; What makes your heart sing?? Feel free to share it in the comments section below--I'll go first!

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Hot off the presses...the March Work Happier Newsletter-check it out!!! Need some help figuring out your what makes your heart sing? Click here to schedule your free 20 minute Get to Know you Session where we can talk on the phone and start brainstorming and allowing you to live happier!! Not in Columbus--no worries I also work via phone and Skype!!

When Did Working Happier Become Selfish??

2011-03-07T17:38:00.000-05:00

Recently I have had a few clients say to me that they want to live a life that makes their heart sing--they want to go back to school, start a different job, take on a new challenge but they are are afraid that they are being selfish. Yes, selfish. The idea that doing what you love, going after your dream and living a life that you are passionate about is selfish makes me so sad. According to Webster Dictionary selfish means; concerned excessively or exclusively for oneself; seeing or concentrating on one's own advantage, pleasure or well-being without regard for others.

Somewhere a long the line we got the idea confused that if we change our life direction, spice up our lives, make a shift, or even do what's best for us (even if it's out of the norm) we are being selfish. WRONG. For example, here's Sharon.* Sharon has 2 children age 4 and 7. She is active in her children's lives and enjoys being a mother who participates in her children's day to day activities. She has taken the safe traditional route, graduated from college, gotten a quality job and now works part time to take care of the children. She woke up recently and asked herself is there more out there? I want to live my life with more passion and excitement then what I have now. I want to engage in a job that is uniquely me, to find a career that makes my heart sing to be well rounded and vibrant. She is sick and tired of feeling hum-drum as if life is passing her by. She makes an appointment to come in and see me. For the first 3 sessions she is totally pumped about her new ideas, the new potential of her life, she is vibrant and engaged in the possibilities. She is thinking about dreams that have long been buried, she is exploring ideas that have been pushed to the side and forgotten. Then session 4 she walks in the office and she says, I can't make theses changes, I am being selfish, I am not thinking of my family, I am putting my needs first.

Whoa, back up the bus...by figuring out what you love, by determining ways to make yourself happy, show your little girls what it means to find your joy...you are being selfish? I think not. By limiting herself to a life of humdrum mediocrity..this is what I have always done, Sharon is showing her children life is meant to be boring and mediocre. She isn't challenging her daughters to go after their dreams, get an education, be all they can be. She is proving to them that life is stagnant and stale and the joy ends after you turn 35.

Yes it would be selfish to leave your children for good, hike across Zimbabwe and never look back. But going after your dreams? Expanding your activities to include things that makes your heart sing? That isn't' selfish that is fully engaging in life.

So the next time you start dreaming about what 'could be next' and the thought "I am too selfish" pops into your head, stop yourself? Are you really selfish? Or are you just wanting to live with passion and power. It is when we embrace our power, accept our passion we become the best us possible. In fact I would argue it is selfish to NOT share our gifts with the world. It is selfish to live small, to not face our fears or face our fears. When we show our children and those around us what it means to grab life by the horns and fully engage in a job we love and a life that enriches us we are giving them the greatest gift possible, our selves. We are showing them happiness IS possible, life IS full of ups and downs, making your heart sing is not selfish it is a duty to ourselves.

*Sharon is a completely fictional character.

Thanks to wonderferret for the freaky display of selfish.

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Ready to find the work that makes your heart sing? Click here to schedule your free 20 minute Get to Know you Session where we can talk on the phone and start brainstorming and moving beyond selfishness into vibrancy!! Not in Columbus--no worries I also work via phone and Skype!!

The Power of Story Listening

2011-03-03T08:17:00.001-05:00

I am so excited today to be part of the 835 story tour. Stories are such an integral part of how we think, feel, share, and express our lives. We talk in stories, dream in stories, think in stories--our lives are one giant story. Too often we share our stories as if they were news reports or weather bulletins leaving out all the wonderful juicy details. Our stories express our gifts, experiences, doubts, fears, joys, insecurities, power, and relationships.

A few years ago I was traveling solo across the country. One of my favorite things about traveling solo is the number of heartfelt stories I hear. At one of the bed and breakfasts where I was staying I struck up a conversation with one of the owners. As we were talking her dad called and their conversation reminded me of one that I would have frequently with my own dad. After she hung up the phone I told her so. She then shared with me that her mom just died a month ago. She shared (after I asked) that although her mom had been frail she died rather suddenly and her dad was now 'broken hearted'. As she was sharing her story I could see the mixed emotions in her face a. she needed to share her story talk and b. she didn't want to burden a complete stranger. As I walked back to my room, I was struck by how honored I felt that she shared such an intimate story with me--here it is almost 3 years later and I still remember the story. I remember her story as I go through my own issues with aging parents. Listening to her not only helped her but it helped me. That is the beauty of being both a story teller and a story listener.

It strikes me how rare it is to have people who REALLY listen to our stories without judgment or advice or wanting to share their own story. It is unusual to be in the presence of someone and feel that at ease with just being in our story, no questions, no judgments, no advice, no analyzations just the story.

As Michelle at Wicked Whimsy shared yesterday how our stories hold a lot of insights and importance. It is vital to have someone in our lives who serves as a witness. Someone who can be present to our words and our stories.The wonderful concept of 'holding the space' for someone. When we are able to share our stories in a loving supportive environment we are able to hear ourselves talk, to grow, learn, process and be happier. As a career counselor the first thing I do is openly listen to client stories--we can gain such rich nuggets of life experience, the joys and the pain, which then allows us to move forward in a life we love!

To be truly heard by someone is a gift, both to ourselves and the listener. Who do you have in your life who truly listens to your stories? Whose stories do you truly listen to?

Thanks to Nick Piggnott for the perfect StoryTeller Photo

Wanting to write your next story or process through an old one? Click here to schedule your free 20 minute Get to Know you Session where we can talk on the phone and start building the story where you live and work happier!! Not in Columbus?--no worries I also work via phone and Skype!!

Wondering Wednesday: What is your definition of living happier?

2011-03-02T09:31:00.003-05:00

Time once again for Wondering Wednesday. It continually amazes me how quickly the weeks fly by--guess that means we are having fun, yes? So the Wondering Wednesday: is what is your definition of living happier? I thought with all this Live Happier. Work Happier chatter--it might make sense to define it for yourself.

So frequently we define happiness or living happier as a state or a place we will achieve and once we get there all will be well. But we all know in reality, once we achieve that goal/idea we are quickly on to the next thing. Today as you ponder your definition of happiness: What does it feel like? Does it feel peaceful, content, joyous, blissful, anger-free, stress-free? In the state of living happier Are you doing something you love?, Joining with someone you love? What does your life look and feel like? What is your state of mind? Who are you surrounding yourself with? What are your thoughts/beliefs?

All of these questions go into living happier. Living happier isn't just one thing. It is a combination of beliefs, people, activities and state of mind.

What is your definition of Living Happier? How will you know when you are living or working happier? Feel free to share it in the comments section below--I'll go first!

A fun announcement....Later this week I will be taking part in the Story Tour over at Eight Thirty Five--led by Shenee Howard--Check it out and get a taste of some fabulous bloggers and their take on the power of story.

Thanks to ernohannink for the photo representation of happiness.

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Need some help figuring out your definition of living happier? Click here to schedule your free 20 minute Get to Know you Session where we can talk on the phone and start brainstorming and allowing you to live happier!! Not in Columbus--no worries I also work via phone and Skype!!

A Lesson in Facing My Fear Monger

2011-03-01T17:10:00.001-05:00

Yesterday I had the wonderful privilege of interviewing via the phone one of my favorite bloggers--Tara Sophia Mohr. I am hoping to post the interview sometime next week. Not only once the interview fabulous, but the lessons learned prior to it were priceless. So I decided to share them here today.

I had asked Tara to do the interview for the Work Happier Spotlight feature on my blog, a few weeks ago. I confess e-mailing someone I don't know is scary--but since I asked all of you to do it in the informational interview blog post I thought I could do it too. I have done this before for other Work Happier Spotlight posts so I wasn't as nervous as my first one. However, Tara, challenged me a bit and asked me if I would be willing to do a phone interview rather then the standard 'I e-mail her questions, she writes the answer'. I admit, I have never done a phone interview before that has been recorded and then published to my site. You probably remember how I had to face my fears to do my first video blog, while I love technology you can't always count on it so it can be a bit scary. But I agreed, with a full heart and lots of excitement I decided to embrace my lack of knowledge and branch out into the world of audio.

I sent her my questions before hand organized my thoughts and I was ready. And then Monday morning rolls around--if I am completely honest it started Sunday evening--I started obsessing about all the things that COULD go wrong, my fear monger went a little crazy and I pretty much flipped out. By Monday morning I was a mess--just a stressed out mess. On my way to the gym I just kept telling myself once it is 2pm you can relax, you can relax at 2pm--only 4 more hours to go. And then I caught myself and I realized, I wasn't dreading this phone call. In reality I was looking forward to it. I was excited to talk to Tara, hear what she had to say and share my own bits of wisdom. Yet, my first reaction was to start the count down to when it would be over. Hands down I think one of the hardest things as a human being is to hold both--to hold 2 opposite things at the same time, to hold my fear and my excitement, to hold my nervousness and my exhilaration. Too often we want to make it all black and white, turn the either/or into an absolute.

Right then and there I had a little talk with my fear monger. I asked her to come out and be seen and to share what she was scared about. Once I gave her a voice, her fears were pretty minimal. Basically I was afraid I would look stupid, say something totally off beat and look like a fool. When I took the time to let her voice be heard, I was able to hear that there really wasn't that much to be afraid about. Too often we let the fear monger's voice fill our heads with a dull rhythmic tone not really paying any attention to it but giving it way too much power in the process.

So I thanked my little girl (my fear monger is a little girl) for trying to help and told her you know i have had a lot of education, done a lot of reading and been around the block a few times I was confident my 38 year old self could handle it. And poof she was gone--I admit, she tried to come back a few times but when I heard her voice starting up softly in the background I placed my hands over my heart and quietly said, "I've got this one" and she quieted back down. It is those rituals that allow us to move forward, face our fears, do the things that scare us, and allow ourselves to grow. When we don't make these physical and mental shifts we get stuck doing what we have always done and getting what we always get.

Fortunately the phone call went wonderfully--it was by no means perfect, I hung up on Tara within the first 5 minutes, someone came to the door in the middle of our conversation and we didn't cover all of the topics. BUT we made connection, we had a great conversation, we laughed and I faced a fear. Both my little girl and I hung up feeling very happy.

A quick but cool aside...Later this week I will be taking part in the Story Tour over at Eight Thirty Five--led by Shenee Howard--Check it out and get a taste of some fabulous bloggers and their take on the power of story.

Thanks to Trace Meek for the cool phone photo.

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Need some help facing your own fear monger? Click here to schedule your free 20 minute Get to Know you Session where we can talk on the phone and start facing your fears and allowing you to live happier!! Not in Columbus--no worries I also work via phone and Skype!!

Love, Weddings, and Living Happier

2011-02-24T14:27:00.001-05:00

So today I have some big news. Some big news in my personal life Some news I never thought I would be sharing let alone on my blog. Over the weekend I got engaged, yep the nearest and dearest and I are tying the knot!! I have to confess--I NEVER thought I wanted to get married, after years of singledom I have found a wonderful, supportive, funny guy and we are making it official. So this week has been a flurry of wedding wishes/plans/laughter/announcements and just down right fun. This week has been a wonderful reminder to me that life is not just made up of one area but a wonderful mixture of friends, family, work, interests, loves and activities.

First thing my nearest and dearest and I said to each other was that we wanted a wedding that was true to us as a couple. We made a pact to not get caught up in all the wedding hype and have a wedding that expresses our values and our life. We are crafting a wedding day that will be authentic to who we are and what we want to share with our friends and family. Similarly to the message of building our lives in a way that expresses our values and interests. The glitch I have already found (and I am only 4 days in) is that people have a lot of opinions of what a wedding SHOULD look and feel like. Not necessarily those people closest to me but the outliers in my life, the peripherals if you will have many thoughts on what should be done. It is challenging to buck the trends, go against the grain and plan a wedding that makes our heart sing :)

What I realized is that planning a wedding is a small microcosm of planning ones's life. So often in life we run up against people--usually those who are NOT very close to us--telling us what we SHOULD do or how we SHOULD live our lives and we have a hard time shaking them off and moving forward. It is my belief the only way to do live a life that is true to you, that is indeed working and living happier is to make the same pact with yourself that my nearest and dearest and I made with each other. From here forth I am living a life that is true to me, true to my values, true to my authentic self. That needs to be set in stone--then as people start pecking away at your dreams, ideas, and baby steps. You can quietly remind yourself this is MY LIFE, I get to make the decisions.

Here's to creating lives and weddings that authentically express our souls!!

Thanks to LadyDragonFlyCC--February Blues for the great proposal pic!

Wondering Wednesday: What Small Steps can you Take Today to Implement your Dream?

2011-02-23T10:25:00.001-05:00

Last week I the Wondering Wednesday question was--What would you do differently if you knew no one would judge you? and we had some awesome answers. The challenging part of the question--part 2 if you will--is this week's wondering Wednesday question. How can you start slowly implementing your answer into your every day life?; How can you start dipping your toe into the water so to speak?

Maybe your dream is to go back to school and become a nurse. But you hear all these voices in your head (real or imagined) that say that is too hard, you won't be able to finish it, dealing with patients is too difficult on and on and on. So many of my clients spend the first sessions just allowing themselves the chance to dream, to think without judgment what they might do. So first step admit your dreams, then start paying attention to those voices. Frequently people get stuck at this first step. The voices become so debilitating that they don't move forward. The key is to plow ahead, notice the voices and then take small safe steps to moving yourself towards your dreams. Admit those voices are there and then start implementing little by little small changes. Maybe it is just researching nursing schools or talking to friends who are nurses. Or simply saying out loud to yourself, 'you know some day I want to be a nurse'. Whatever you can do to dip your toe in the water.

So often our dreams and wishes get buried by fears of judgments either self judgements or judgements that we have heard from other people. If we don't start speaking these dreams out loud they will be buried forever. I am not saying you need to go out today and make a plan to accomplish all your dreams. I am saying go today and name one little thing you can do that moves your toward your dreams.

If you didn't answer part one of the question, please do so and then think about part 2: How can you start slowly implementing your answer into your every day life? What SMALL steps can you make towards your dream? Even if those steps are saying it out loud to those closest to you. Or writing down the steps you would take to accomplish it. Or researching people who have done something similar. The key is to start taking action, one step in front of the other and then simultaneously paying attention to those voices of judgment and that rise up and just notice them. Just notice them. Today acknowledge your dreams, take one small action step and pay attention to what happens.

Feel free to share it in the comments section below--I'll go first!

Thanks to little azorean for the beautiful photo of dipping your toes in the water.

Wanting to fight through the judgement on your dreams (real or imagined)-I can help. Click here to schedule your free 20 minute Get to Know you Session where we can talk on the phone and start facing your fears and allowing you to live happier!! Not in Columbus--no worries I also work via phone and Skype!!

Fighting for our Dreams

2011-02-17T08:50:00.001-05:00

Last week, I did a post on the Suffering of Fear. Then over the weekend, BigLittleWolf wrote a post about fear that really struck me, check it out here. What struck me about her post was the slow progression of fear. I see it in my clients, they come to me after having a moment of 'clarity'. For some it is a big moment, a death of someone close, a job loss of a job they really didn't like, hitting a birthday which for them is a major milestone. For others, it might be something small, something they read (like my blog!), a conversation with a friend or just a remembering back to a past time when they had more hopes and dreams. For most of my clients, there is a feeling of a proverbial line in the sand. A 'this is it, I am done putting my life on hold'. They have realized for whatever reason that they have been allowing fear to infiltrate too much of their lives and now they want to make some changes.

However, it is rare, that they articulate the word fear. Maybe because they don't recognize it as such, but also because we just don't like to admit it is out there. Fear is always lurking there, keeping us stuck, keeping us safe and justifiably status quo. We might blame it on finances, children, life choices or even their spouse. But rarely do we realize fear is what is holding them back. Which is why I was struck by BigLittleWolf's wonderfully eloquent description of how fear takes a hold of our lives and convinces us that we are justified in expecting second best, in sacrificing our dreams for our families or the greater good.

Because bottom line we do all have responsibilities, we can't all run out and do what we dreamed of doing in our teens or 20s. We have bills, mortgages, children and spouses. So what are we suppose to do with those dreams of our childhood/early adulthood. Just let them die?? I can't count the number of times I have made a clients face light up simply by asking them 'What did you dream of doing as a teenager?'. Almost always, they get a mischievous grin on their face and a far away look and they start describing in crystal clear detail their dream as a child.

I don't believe those dreams die. They might get buried, beaten-up or berated. But they don't disappear. They come knocking in the quiet moments after the kids go to bed, at 3am when you can't sleep or on your drive home from another soul draining day at the office. They are there 10 seconds, 20 seconds or even 60 seconds and then fear steps in and like a blanket over a fire, squelches the thought and feeds you all the justifications for letting those dreams go once and for all.

I am here to tell you the gift you can give yourself is to keep fighting for those dreams, keep believing, thinking and scheming on keeping them a reality. As we begin to being our dreams into the light , we can decrease the power of the unconscious blanket of fear. I know without a doubt the more we can mix our dreams into our real, practical day to day lives--the happier we will be.

Wanting to fight for your dreams but not quite sure how? I can help. Click here to schedule your free 20 minute Get to Know you Session where we can talk on the phone and start facing your fears and allowing you to live happier!! Not in Columbus--no worries I also work via phone and Skype!!

Wondering Wednesday: What Would You Do Differently, if you Knew No One Would Judge you?

2011-02-16T08:48:00.000-05:00

Hard to believe it is time for yet another installment of Wondering Wednesday. Today's question is a going to be fun: What would you do differently, if you knew nobody would judge you?

I admit, this one even gave me pause to say, 'hmm'. It is a complex question--I think the hardest part in formulating an answer is separating your judgement from other people's. So often, we incorporate others judgements into our own psyche. OR we put our own judgements of ourself onto other people. For example, we tend to assume that other people see us as overweight or unorganized, when in reality that is how we see ourselves. So this is an interesting slant on what would YOU do if you would have total support. The other challenging part of this question is the inevitable follow-up to your answer, so why aren't you doing it?

For example, one of my answers would be to get a tattoo. I know many of those close to me (especially my family) would be like what are you doing to your body? But in reality, they would love me regardless of my tattoo (after a little ridiculing). Bottom line I am scared to get a tattoo, scared of the pain, the permanency, the sagging and wearing as I get older. It is me who is scared of the tattoo process and when I am honest with myself THAT is what is holding me back. But it is safer to blame others, to blame my fear of judgement rather than to admit that it is my own fear.

But today, we are just asking what would you do--the why aren't you doing it? part is for another Wondering Wednesday. Just for today, ask yourself the question--what would you do differently, if you knew no one would judge you? And stop your judgments there. I promise will come back to the inevitable second part later, maybe even next Wednesday.....

What would you do differently, if you knew no one would judge you? Feel free to share it in the comments section below--I'll go first!

Thanks to CarbonNYC for the wonderful 'wagging of the finger' picture.

A New Take on Job Search Sites.

2011-02-15T09:15:00.000-05:00

When one is looking for a job logically the first thing we tend to do is do a search on Monster, career-builder or even snag a job. If you search on Google for "job search" over 1,000,000 sites appear. These sites can be daunting, exhausting and humiliating. I have talked to many clients who spend hours looking at job sites, submitting resumes and feeling discouraged and depleted. These sites are kind of like a smoke and mirrors game, they make job searchers THINK they are doing something productive in their job search, they are applying to jobs, letting employers know they are out there and qualified. Initially, maybe yes, but over time and after hearing little or no response from potential employers job searchers begin to feel disenfranchised by this job search method. Thus the smoke and mirrors, you are doing SOMETHING, you are applying to jobs, but what you aren't doing is connecting with people, talking with people, showing people your unique gifts. You along with thousands of other people are sitting behind a computer screen, submitting a resume and cover letter over and over and over. So it is understandable why these sites leave us feeling down and depleted.

It is like my experience with dating sites. When I was single whenever I would start to have an itch for a relationship and think I should DO something about my yearning for a partner, I would get on Match or e-harmony. I would take the test, fill out the profile, send a few e-mails and even go on a few dates (i.e interviews). Initially I would feel like I was taking control, taking charge, taking action. Then after a few bad dates or a couple unanswered e-mails I would get discouraged and depressed and would think why am I doing this to myself and I would remove from my profile from all the dating sites--only to have the whole cycle repeat again in a few months. It is a similar cycle for my clients with job search sites--only they NEED a job to survive, finding a romantic partner was a desire of mine not a need to put food on the table.

So what is a person to do? Fortunately I have a solution. First off, do a job search, look on Monster, CraigsList, Career Builder, etc. Pull up all the available jobs in your area and then read them with an open mind and an open heart. Yes, some of them will be too little education or too much education. And some of them will have too little money, crappy hours or unsuitable job activities. I want you to take out of piece of paper and make 2 columns. On one column write Job Traits I Like and then list out each of the job traits from each description you enjoy. Maybe there is a job for a truck driver, the hours are bad, and it isn't in your field of study but the thought of being in a truck alone listening to tunes and seeing the open road is appealing to you. Write it down. Maybe there is a job for a bartender the pay isn't what you want but the idea of chatting with people from behind the bar appeals to you. Write it down. In the second column, write down all the deal breakers, for example, not enough money, not using your education, travel, 100% commission sales jobs, etc.

Now take the first list (job traits you enjoy) and see if any patterns emerge, any specific job traits or titles repeat. Start grouping the list into job traits or titles that repeat. Then do the same for the DealBreakers Column. If you have a grouping of titles that appeal to you go ahead and apply for those jobs on the job search site(s) of your choosing. But I also want you to go one step further---start brainstorming: Where do people that do these jobs hang out? What firms/businesses do they work in? Who do I know that works in or close to this industry? Then start scheduling some informational interviews with these people. Start attending networking events where these individuals might be. Start reading articles and commenting on local blogs or on-line resources about your area of interest. Start exploring the websites of companies you want to work for and slowly making inroads into getting to know people who work there.

Similar to dating, job searches end once you make the right connections. Connections can be started on-line but eventually they have to take place in person face to face. It is a numbers game, the more connections you make and the more open you are the more successful you will be at getting off the job search sites and into a dream job.

Need help deciphering your 2 lists? Click here to schedule your free 20 minute Get to Know you Session where we can talk on the phone and start facing your fears and allowing you to live happier!! Not in Columbus--no worries I also work via phone and skype!!

Valentine's Day: It's Bigger then Just Going to Jared

2011-02-14T09:36:00.001-05:00

Today is Valentine's Day. Expectations are high that suddenly we will all turn into romantic, rich, beautiful, energetic, sexy people. On this day, we will find our perfect match and he/she will suddenly become the romantic, thoughtful, flawless person we have always wanted. At least that is what the marketing gurus at Jared Jewelers, 1-800-flowers and Hallmark have led us to believe.

Try as we might it is hard to let go and not succumb to the pressure this holiday put on us. If we are single, we feel less than, because we don't have a significant other to share this high holiday. If we are in a relationship, we feel a lot of pressure to live up to the grand gestures and romantic dialogue that has been drilled into us since January 1.

In reality, the focus of the holiday is a good one. This day, February 14th is about LOVE. It has been twisted and demented into an impossible level of romantic love. But love has many shapes and forms, the love we have for our life partners, the love we have for our best friends, the love we have for our family members, the love we have for our animals and the love we have for ourselves.

This holiday isn't about living up to what Kay Jewelers says romance is--it is about appreciating those people in our lives who love us know matter what. It is about expressing our love to the people who hold our hands and pull us through the tough times. Showing how much we care to the people who laugh with us until our sides hurt and celebrate our victories. So today, take the time to express to those closest to you how much they mean to you. We all need our tribe of people to make this world a little happier.

I found this quote today and couldn't resist posting it here in honor of Valentine's Day--this is love:

We are all a little weird, and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love

---Author Unknown.

Thanks to qthomasbower for the amazing photo!!

The Suffering of Fear

2011-02-10T09:23:00.001-05:00

The truth that many people never understand, until it is too late, is that the more you try to avoid suffering the more you suffer because smaller and more insignificant things begin to torture you in proportion to your fear of being hurt.

--Thomas Merton

A few weeks ago I was looking through some old boxes and I found this random saying on a piece of paper from a 'quote a day' calendar. Over a period of days I thought about this quote, and would pull out the now crumbled piece of paper and think on it. Every time I read it I thought, 'huh, this is SO true' and then I would stick it back in my bag and go about my day.

When I first started working with careers--I did a lot of work with values, interests, skills etc. The standard 'career stuff' but the more I worked with clients and talked to people I realized, it isn't so much that people don't KNOW what they want to do it is they don't know HOW to do it in the face of all the fear and self doubt that springs forth. And so in order to avoid the suffering they think the fear monger will cause, people continue doing a job they don't enjoy and living a life that is mediocre. Gradually, over the years (usually around the time they come to see me) they have an inkling that maybe living a life in avoidance of the fear isn't the answer, maybe the answer is figuring out how to face the fear and make small, tiny changes so they can be happier.

I love this quote by Thomas Merton because in a nut shell it describes my job and my role as a career counselor. My job is to help people ease their own suffering by helping them find ways to ease their fear around finding and then doing the career that makes their heart sing. When we aren't living a life that is congruent with our values, and fulfilling our life mission because we are too afraid, then slowly, gradually over time we will start to show signs of wear. Anxiety, fear, self doubt and negativity around all areas of our lives.will increase. These 'insignificant things' as Merton calls them begin to be a larger and more challenging obstacle then merely facing the fears of our dream work. You have heard the stories, someone is miserable in their life so they blame their wife and get a new one, they blame their job so they get a new one, or they blame the city they live in so they move. Gradually over time they become more and more miserable, never realizing that the whole time the 'blame' was on them for not being honest with themselves about where the change begins; with them facing their own fears.

So yes, my real job title is career counselor, but in a lot of ways I am like a fear counselor.

Need help figuring out what fears are holding you back? I can help. Click here to schedule your free 20 minute Get to Know you Session where we can talk on the phone and start facing your fears and allowing you to live happier!! Not in Columbus--no worries I also work via phone and skype!!

Wondering Wednesday: What Mark Do You Want to Leave on the World?

2011-02-09T08:50:00.000-05:00

Welcome to Wondering Wednesday. This is the post of the week where I give you something to ponder, to wonder about as you move through your day. I also encourage you to post your response in the comment section, if you are so inclined. Frequently by speaking our desires (or in this case writing them) they become more 'real' more fine tuned and therefore more easily attainable.

So today's wondering Wednesday questions is What mark do you want to leave on the world? If you could leave the world with just one piece of information, talent, idea, activity or thought what would it be? I believe we all have a reason for being here a purpose/passion/mission. For some of us that mission is also something we get paid for e.g. teacher, fire fighter, counselor, financial planner. For others it is something we do in addition to what we get paid for e.g. parent, teacher, foodie, musician. Although, I believe we can do what we love AND get paid for it, the most important mission in our live is to figure out what we love and why we are here--regardless of money. Sometimes we get so stuck on "how am I going to paid for this _____?" we can't be open to answer the question what is the mark I want to leave on the world? FIRST you have to answer that question, THEN you can figure out how to get paid for it.

The mark we leave on the world is as unique as we are. It might start out by being something as broad as: being a good mother, and then as you think about it and gradually peel back the layers, it might be teaching your little girl's to love and honor their bodies' no matter the size and shape. OR teaching your children that the environment is dying and we owe it to the world to be good stewards of it's gifts. Your mark could start out by being to make a healthy meal for your loved one's and then fine tune it to be: to include variety and health into all your meals so you family learns the power in healthy organic eating. As you think about it and get more and more clear, you will probably develop more than one mark you want to leave on the world.

So today think about what mark you want to leave on the world? Feel free to share it in the comments section below--I'll go first!

Thanks to Hampton Roads Partnership for the wonderful picture.

Need help figuring out your mark? Or maybe you have it but don't know what to do next?--I can help. Click here to schedule your free 20 minute Get to Know you Session where we can talk on the phone and start facing your fears and allowing you to live happier!! Not in Columbus--no worries I also work via phone and skype!!

How to Make Informational Interviewing Less Painful

2011-02-08T10:45:00.000-05:00

Informational Interviewing, Networking, Connecting what ever word you want to use it is the bane of all career searchers existence. Number one way to learn more about a career you are interested in: Informational Interview. Number one way to find a job: Network. Building connections, talking to other people, reaching out--is HARD, it is challenging, it can be down right painful AND it has to be done. If you are going to find a career that makes your heart sing--you need to do some research around that career. And who has the research? People who are actually doing the job.

A few months ago I had a client, he had taken assessments, looked at his values, even taken a few classes at the local community college and he had narrowed his ideal career list down to 3 or 4 jobs. He STILL needed more information before he knew what to pursue. Each time I would talk to him about the power of informational interviews and each time he would agree with me, walk out excited and return with no new information. Finally after 2 sessions of this cycle I said what is it about informational interviewing that scares you so much. And he looked at me and smiled and said "what if they think I am stupid, what if they say no, what if I get the information and I still don't know'. Understandable he didn't want to reach out to anyone--his Fear Monger was kicking in. So we took each of his reasons and talked through them one at a time. Finally at the end of the session I said, "as much as it pains me to say it, at some point you just have to do it, you just have to face the fear and reach out". He laughed and agreed and we set some manageable goals of a couple 'safe' people he could reach out to over the next couple of weeks.

When he came into my office the next time, he had a giant smile on his face--not only had he successfully talked to the people we had planned for him too, he had talked to a few extra people recommended to him by the initial round of folks. As he said triumphantly "people are really pretty nice".

So you KNOW you NEED to network how do you go about doing it.

Face the fear monger: Write down the messages that are playing over and over in your head. You don't need to explain them away or justify them, just be aware of how many there are.

Set a goal. Make it small. Tell yourself that you are going to contact 2 people a day or write 5 e-mails at a time. Whatever is manageable to you. Maybe you are going to start with the people you know already or who you know will be 'nice' and then move on to the people you don't know.

Just do it. As much as I hate to write the words--Just do it. They are the truth, at some point you just have to do it. You just have to call, e-mail, facebook, text the individual and say "hey, can we meet for coffee/lunch"

People are nice. For the most part people are nice--they like to be of service, to help. They also like it when people are interested in what they do for a living. I have had countless people contact me to do informational interviews and I have been flattered by each one. It is nice to know that someone thinks what I do is cool and wants to learn more about it. I swear, if people have the time they will be happy to give it to you.

Be Prepared. Although people are nice, people are also busy so make sure you have a list of questions prepared or a set of topics you want to discuss. Make sure you have in your own mind a set of goals you want to accomplish by the end of the meeting. What is it you want to learn? What do you want to leave knowing?

Be Curious. Remember it is an interview--not a chance for you to share your life story. This is the time for you to be curious about their life story and what they do in their job. It is tempting (especially if you are looking for a job) to want to share your story but I promise you will get more bang for your time if you let them do the talking.

Have fun. Bottom line this is suppose to be fun--the more we learn about and from other people the more rich our own lives will become. Remember to relax and enjoy yourself. It is all part of the process of figuring out how to work and live happier!!

Are you wanting to Work Happier? Are you curious how to find the job you love? Click here to schedule your free 20 minute session! We can start the process of figuring out how to help you live and work happier!

My New Nemesis: The Ipad

2011-02-07T16:16:00.000-05:00

I admit I have been pining away for an Ipad--ever since the little devil's came out I have been wanting one. I haven't been able to justify buying one, I have my lap top, I have an i-phone I don't need to be anymore portable then I already am. But they just look like such fun. Recently, my mom won a new ipad at a charity auction. While I was overjoyed and frankly a little jealous of my mom's new found toy, she was pretty underwhelmed and frankly stressed about adding more technology to her life. Graciously (ok, a little selfishly) I agreed to take her ipad and get it all set up so when we met for her training session it would be all ready to go.

So yesterday morning, I cracked it open and began downloading apps my Mom would use: NPR, Facebook, Scrabble, Weather and local news stations. I also downloaded a couple of games (admittedly more so for me and my nieces and nephews then my mom--but it was from a place of love) including Angry Birds. For those of you who don't know Angry Birds is a a highly addictive, pretty brain numbing game involving "sling shooting" birds to blow up little frogs and the structure they have built to protect themselves. And so yesterday afternoon, I sat on the couch and played Angry Birds....for HOURS. I played it while watching the Superbowl pre-game, actual game and post-game. Now in my defense I made a dinner for friends and did a few loads of laundry but when I wasn't cooking or switching loads of laundry I was blowing up little structures via my Mom's ipad.

As I crawled in to bed last night and had a craving to chat with my nearest and dearest (who was barely keeping his eyes open next to me) my first reaction was to be upset, he had spent most of the day with his friends and I felt like I had hardly seen/talked to him. And then I realized, no he had spent the majority of his day with his friends AT OUR HOUSE. Yes, while I sat there and played Angry Birds we also had a small but simple Super Bowl party. So while I was physically present to my guests, our friends, I wasn't really present. I wasn't emotionally or mentally engaged I was checking in and out depending on how much the Angry Birds were calling to me. As I lay there next to my gently snoring nearest and dearest, I realized I had missed out on engaging with people I love and enjoy so I could numb out to some silly video game!!! I decided then and there--an Ipad is not for me. Not just because I can't justify it's expense but because I can't justify it's power over me. I can't justify missing out on real life experiences because the power of numbing out is too great.

I am a big believer, we all need to 'check out' from time to time--watch mindless TV, play the occasional video game, get lost in really good fiction but when it starts preventing you from engaging with other people then it is time to check it out and see what is really going on. I know I have a bent towards computer game addiction which is why we don't own a Wi and now why we won't own an ipad. But it is my responsibility to ask myself on those times when I am sacrificing real human interaction for a computer game--what is really going on?

I realized how often many of us use our iphones, ipads, blackberries, smart phones of all types to disconnect from those with whom we are actually physically present. It isn't necessarily that we don't like the people we are hanging out with, it is that we are stressed, tired, overworked and frazzled and concentrating on some silly video game can at times be easier then engaging in real life. We all need a break. I for one am going to be more conscious of giving myself that break, when I am alone and not when I get the fortune of being with other people. Don't get me wrong, Technology is a wonderful thing, but when it gets in the way of us creating true human interactions it becomes damaging to us and those around us.

So I propose the question to you, How often do you numb out with video games? TV? Iphones? E-mail or Web surfing? What is really going on?

You Say it's your Birthday?!? Celebrating the Milestones in our Lives.

2011-02-04T10:23:00.000-05:00

Today is my birthday--38 years old today. Let me start by saying that I love my Birthday--I love celebrating it, honoring it and just living it up! I have been known to thrown a mean Birthday party for myself. This year is no different, in the celebratory department--it is a little different in the significance of it all. For some reason 38 has always be THE YEAR in my brain. I can remember when I was younger 38 was always a milestone year--when I would think of my life as an adult I would think of being 38. When I would play Barbies she would always be 38, established with her career, her cool convertible and of course her fabulous self designed home (my Barbie was always an architect in her own firm)

So this week has been full of anticipation of my 38th Birthday--full of looking back, checking in, and honoring the milestone that for me is 38. These self inflicted milestones always fascinated me--for some people it is turning 40, 45 or 50. For some people it is the day they have their first child, get married or buy a house. Regardless of what it is we all have milestones that pop up throughout our time on earth. I have mixed emotions about these milestones. They serve as a wonderful stopgap to honor where we are, what we have accomplished and where we want to go next. That is it--they serve as a time to HONOR ourselves and our lives. Milestones don't serve us when they begin to be a time to measure where we thought we would be, beat ourselves up for not getting there and then live in fear about what the future might bring. For a lot of people I think that is what Birthdays signify a chance to see how one has failed against the proverbial life yard stick.

Last night as my nearest and dearest were walking back to our car from dinner, we were discussing the significance of turning 38 and he asked me "So are you where you thought you would be at 38?" And as I listed all the things my 9 year old self thought my 38 year old self would have (kids, convertible, husband, career, happiness) I realized I was measuring my life by something a 9 year old (Bless her heart) with limited life experience THOUGHT I would have. So no, I am not exactly where my 9 year old self thought I would be at 38--but I am exactly where my 38 year old self wants to be. I am living the spirit of what I wanted to have. I am happy, I am in a supportive loving relationship, I have a career that makes my heart sing and I am surrounded by friends and family who think I rock and vice versa--so do I have a perfect life? No. Am I doing pretty good--yes.

As Aidan over at Ivy League Insecurities wrote today--Do you love your life? And I can honestly say at 38 yes I do!! What better Birthday gift is there?

Thanks to Will Clayton for the Birthday pic.

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